Survival of Marriage?

I've been lurking here for many years, literally.  I finally checked myself into rehab on 4/10/08 and have been sober since then.  While the journey to sobriety has been one of the most painful, yet interesting journeys I've ever taken there have been some strange twists and turns along the way.

I wanted to ask how getting sober/clean has affected your relationship with your SO.  In my case, my marriage is all but over now.  It is almost as if my husband could better deal with me being drunk than with me being sober.  Drinking has been a part of our relationship from the beginning (27 yrs.) and while I am NO one to call anyone else an alcoholic, I do think that he also has issues with alcohol.  My kids are 23, 19 & 15 and I am the only one who went to AA, therapy, etc.  The family, as a whole, think that this is MY issue and that it is something that only I have to deal with.  I've read and learned enough to know that it is a FAMILY disease and that it deeply affected them all.  I just hope that the kids are smart enough to research it at some point in their lives.

Anyone with the same issues or maybe a different viewpoint?

PS:  I now can very clearly see why I drank...really, it was easier in some ways to just zone out and not deal with the crap that happens at times.  I also realize how genetically I was very prone to this and that is one of my biggest fears with my kids.  

Hi and welcome.  Congratulations on your sobriety and your recognition of YOUR need for help.  I have been in AA for almost 20 years, and it has been an interesting journey.

My husband, when I was married to him, never drank, but we had all the -isms you could imagine.  I became the family scapegoat, between my drinking and mental illness, and other issues.  My kids were in junior high and elementary school when I first started this battle.  I also had my eating disorder.

Well, my marriage ended after 25 years of marriage in 2001.  I was struggling with a relapse, but it would not have mattered.  We just had a really bad marriage from day one, and my mental health issues made things really, really bad.

I hope you are involved in AA, and working the Steps with a sponsor.  That is crucial for long term success, and serenity.

As for the family disease piece of this, my kids were involved in their own therapies and also joined me in family sessions when I was in eating disorder treatment.  We had a lot of work to do after their dad left, because of my insecurities concerning them, him and me.  When he left, they were all adults.  Now, it is much better, and I get along great with their dad.

Currently, I am involved in an outpatient treatment program.  If they were locally located, and it were necessary, I would bring them in for family sessions with the group therapist, but none of my kids live locally, and we get along pretty well.

So, I hope you are able to stay focused on your personal recovery.  You have no control over anyone else's behavior.  If your husband is drinking in your home, in front of you, it is a good idea to talk about that with a sponsor and decide if that is the best environment for you in your early recovery.

God bless.
Trish

Hi Susan,

Nice to see your post!! :)  My husband and I are married 27 years too. We've both stopped drinking together 23 yrs. ago.  It was foolhardy for me NOT to go through meetings, as I got the Big Book and did it on my own. Well, not true...I had the help of some very important people in my life. Our daughter who was 3 at the time was my motivation. I know that if I didn't stop when I did, I wouldn't be here today. My husband didn't admit until very recently that his problem with alcohol was as bad as it was. We're both glad we're sober, and are far more aware of addiction transfer, too. I'm worried about our daughter too. She's very aware of addictive behaviors in herself and others, due to watching us and living in a home where the disease was rampant. I firmly believe that children learn what they live. She's an adult now, and is responsible for her own actions, but we've cautioned her on the hereditary implications that are on both sides of her family, and my "PARENTNOIA" that goes along with worrying about your children.  You know how it is...all you can do when they leave the house is pray they remember the rights and wrongs of what you teach them, encourage them to talk to a professional if they need to, and do a LOT of praying! I used to tell Christine that I wasn't worried about HER, it was the REST of the world I didn't have warm n fuzzies for! :)  Take care, and good luck! 

Congratulations on your sobriety!!  One day they'll understand just how strong you really are! You've kicked a habit that could've killed you! You're a survivor...that's one of the best things to teach them!! :)

Marie

Susan,
You are not alone!! I have been sober for 3 1/2 years. While sobriety is one of the best journeys I have been on, I was still very very unhappy. Well, in December I asked my husband for a divorce. We have been seperated now for  a few months and I couldn't be happier. I still have relationship issues to work on, but  right now I am concentrating on me. I get banded next week. I will not date or get involved with anyone until I have 4th stepped my weight issues. 

My husband said he would do anything to keep us together, but when my therapist asked him to get his own therapist to work on his issues, he wouldn't.  That further cemented my divorce.

My kids are 30, 19, 17,  and 15.  The 30 year old went to his first aa meeting two days ago, the 17 year old has been sober for a year now. The other two are safe for now.

Its not an easy journey to look at yourself, but we deserve the best. I am going to have what GOD wants me to have. 

BTW, today is my 21st wedding anniversary. Happy Divorce for me.

Leslie

First of all thank you all so much for your wise, kind words.  It feels better to know that I can talk to someone who has walked the walk, so to speak.  My "kids" are almost 24, almost 20 and 15.  My middle child, Zach, has started therapy and that is a wonderful thing as he has also started drinking and has been caught smoking pot 2; strike 3 and he's either out or in rehab.  I really wonder how life would've turned out if I had had professional help (hell, any help) when I started numbing myself at the baby age of 15.  No going back; this is not my first attempt at sobriety; I've had years of of not drinking but have always gone back to it.  I should've known that it was like playing Russian roulette.  My parents both have many, many alcoholics and suicides/depressed family members but knowing that may not have made any difference.

As for my marriage...oh, where to start!?  I checked myself into rehab and was only able to do the detox part because of ins. but did meetings (AA) and used the phone as a life line for the first few months.  I will never forget the 2nd day home from rehab and my husband brought beer in and drank in front of me...it wasn't that I wanted to drink it was just the fact that I felt that he was saying ***k you, you are nothing and I have no respect for you.  I now know that it is HIS issues not mine.  As for divorcing; it's a scary thought because I have never been really alone; having said that, I am alone now and I have a husband!  That's really sad...I went from my parents to my 1st husband, also and alcoholic and then to my 2nd and present husband.  I've been a stay at home mom for 20 years and am going to go back to work.  I used to be technical support for Geologists and Geophysicist but the technology has changed too much for me to go back to that.  I have years of running an office so hopefully someone will appreciate that.  You'd think that with 20 years of being an active volunteer that it would count for something...I hope it does.

I am rambling, I know but I haven't really had anyone to really talk to about all this.  Anyway, THANKS for being there for me.  I am also recovering from 2 surgeries on my left leg and am on crutches for almost 3 months so the frustration of being helpless hasn't helped either.  4 more weeks to go and I can put weight on my foot again...never thought I'd miss my left foot shoes so much!!  lol

Sus

Wow, I can relate to a lot of what you shared.  When I first started to deal with my eating disorder, I tried to do a sugar free diet, as well as stay sober.  My ex would bring home things like Healthy Choice ice cream and put it in my face and say, "Taste this.  Isn't it good.?"  He had no clue.  I was so hurt and angry.

Well, that was so long ago, and I now live alone.

Speaking of alone, I got married at the age of 18, and lived with my ex for 25 years.  I have severe abandonment issues that I have been working on in therapy forever.  The abandonment is what I drink, eat, cut and do all sorts of fun things over.  It is rooted in my childhood.

Well, when my husband left, I all but fell apart, and thank God I didn't.  I had never lived alone in my life, and here I was, in my 40s, moving into an apartment, to live alone.  I did not even seek a relationship with a man till my ex remarried.  (My religious beliefs.)

It is scary making changes, especially when we have no clue what the future holds.  You need to really work your steps and talk to your sponsor, (I hope you have one) about what is in your best interest at this time.  You might want to consider seeing if an outpatient treatment program is an option for you.  My insurance really is good about that.  Intensive Outpatient Programs are really springing up a lot because they are cheaper than long term inpatient programs.  Mine was three evenings a week, for group sessions for two and a half hours to start.  That lasted about 15 sessions.  Now, I go once a week, for two and a half hours, and my therapist there said that the insurance company will have no issue about approving more sessions. 

Good luck.  Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

Trish

OK, update on the ongoing "marriage/alcoholism" saga.  I have had days where the fear of being alone, working again, well, basically a brand new way of life, have almost knocked me to my knees but I have to say that the days where my heart and soul tell me that it's going to be OK are more and more frequent.  That's a great thing!  My therapist is one of the greatest things that have happened to me as it is the only place in the world (or so it seems) that I can be myself.  At home (3 kids, husband...) I almost feel as if I'm an actor.  All eyes are on me and how I react to things.  That being said, the family has never dealt with the alcoholism as they see it as my issue.  It is extremely exhausting to be the emotional "barometer" of a household and frankly, I want my OSCAR and I want it now!!!  LOL.  My 19 year old son, Zach is the only one that is in therapy and words cannot express how proud of him that I am.  He and I went together yesterday (1st time) and it was wonderful...lots of tears but also lots of understanding and that was priceless.  He wants his little sister (15) to go and they are so close that I know she will go so that is 3 out of 5...the odds are getting better.

Long story short...things are getting better.  It helps that for once, my husband and I are agreeing that the kids (especially the 15 year old) COME FIRST and that we will handle this with grace and dignity.  Even at 51, life seems to be getting better (OK, the wrinkles and after effects of losing 130+ lbs. SUCK) but the head and heart are doing well.

Susan