What do I do?
ok, here I go.... this is for my brother. I'm not sure how active a role I should play in all of this.
I'm 34, bother is 31. He was pretty much raised by our father who was addicted to everything; he grew up WAY too fast. He has struggled with drinking and just here and there drug use.... Lives in NW Arkansas (6 hours from me)... left there 7-8 years ago, moved in with me, spent days at a good job, nights in his bedroom with a bottle of crown and dr. pepper. Then one weekend buddies came in town, he partied all weekend, drug tested MOnday morning....lost his job.
MOved back to Arkansas, over the years we have learned if the phone rings after 6PM adn its him, don't answer. He's had DUI, had pills in pocket and gun on him. Only charge was DUI.
He has good job now, but continus to drink. Has had medical tests that he has done permanent damage to his liver, irreversable damage. His theory now is its too late, can't fix it so why bother to stop. He is now on the verge of losing his home, his girlfriend of several yeras moved out yesterday and he KNOWS he is losing everythign to the disease.
He blames the fmaily for letting him down (long story on the mom/dad thing) but with insurance i Keep telling him he doens't have to live with it, he can get the help he needs to learn how to cope..... I strongly believe he cannot do this on his own, he has tried and tried and even this week knew she would leave if he drank and he still did. Rather than being mad at him, I feel for him. I know it is a disease that he is past the point of willpower, he needs medical help.
He leaves for N. Carolina for a job Wednesday, back in about a week or so..... I've offered to go up there when he is ready and do the 'hand holding' for doc visits and to get him on the right track for help. I think now he knows he needs help and can't do it on his own...
How much do I offer? I can leave my job and work remotely I'm sure for a few days if necessary, so that isn't much of an issue, I have a child, but lots of family here that can help and I'm not a raging ***** about what a looser he is, so I hope my positive attitude woudl help him, I KNOW it is the disease, not him. Just like we all know, the person drinking is NOT hte same person sober.
Do I just leave the door open that I'll be there to hold his hand and help him through when he's ready or what? I 'm trying to tel the gf that she can't feel guilty about him having a rough time with her leaving, she has to remember all the rough times he put her through.... but he is my brother too and I want to be there for him if/when he wants/ needs it.
Any suggestions?
Don't persecute the addict/alcoholic. Confrontations need to be done lovingly.
Don't set a goal to save the addict.
Don't start sentences with 'you never" or "you always"
Don't live in the past or the future - focus on one day at a time - sometimes one minute at a time
Don't make excuses the acloholic
Don't let the alcoholic be the center of your life
Don't clean up after the alcoholic - both figuratively and literally
Don't protect the alcoholic from the consequences of his/her behaviors
Don't blame, justify, excuse, or rationlize.
Don't drink with the alcoholic
DO's
Do set limits using "I words"
Do set limits w/ love and empathy
Do detach yourself from the addicts problems, but do it with love
Do remember that you did not cause it, you can not cure it, and you can't control it
Accept the right to have the feelings you may have about the situation
Maybe you should attend some Al-Anon meetings to get some additional ideas - I know that my family kept pushing me to get sober, but until I really wanted to - it did not happen. He has to do it for himself.
Anne
I have a son who is a heroin addict, and I helped him for one year, when he was 19. After he picked up, and was arrested for possession, I cut him off from living with me. I did not bail him out of prison. I did not let him live with me. He is 26 now, and drinks heavily. He lives in Pittsburgh, six hours from me. He is a big boy now. He can access help, when he is ready. He knows where the AA meetings are, as he visited a few once.
Your brother is intelligent. He has already been arrested, so going to a doctor should not be a big fear for him. His biggest fear is probably getting honest with himself about his alcoholism. As long as he is blaming your family for his problems, he is obviously not ready to take responsibility for the fact that HE is the one who is putting the alcohol into his body, and HE is the one who destroyed his liver with his drinking. HE will have to grow up and seek treatment for himself if there is any hope of him stopping the drinking and having a somewhat healthy life for himself.
Sorry to be so blunt. I am in outpatient treatment for my alcoholism, I live alone and nobody had to hold me hand to get me to get the help I am getting.
Albert Schweitzer
Thank you both. I guess its in our nature to try to help those we love.
I talked to him a long time last night, he knows he can't lose anymore (which in reality he can); he seemed down, but was trying to keep a positive outlook that he HAS to turn things around. He doens't think he needs medical help, which I disagree and shared that thought wtih him, but I was very patient, understanding and just letting him know that I'm here for him...when he's sober.
I know he doens't need hand holding, but she's moved out and I figured if it woudl help him to get there, anything is worth trying, but he doesn't think he needs it yet.
I bought the AA book, was going to go through and bookmark/highlight some things I think would be of interest to him....
anyway, thanks!
AA has a link, which you can send your brother. www.aa.org. He can check it out on his own, and read the AA Big Book on his own. Also, he can use Web MD to read about the liver damage caused by excessive drinking.
Good luck,
Trish
Albert Schweitzer
Dying of Liver Disease will be painful. He needs to be willing to accept the help.
If you try harder than he does, you will burn out. It's hard. Alanon is good suggestion...get support for you.
It knows it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed.
Every morning in
It knows that it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve.
It doesn't matter whether you're a lion or a gazelle
when the sun comes up you'd better be running.
RNY 2/9/09 Buh bye Gallbladder 8/28/09; 100% EWL (181 lbs.) on 2/19/10;
