debbie downer post - sorry

If you read this bless your heart... I warn you now that it is going to be a long post... get out while you still can. heh   Lately I have been mourning food. Weird I know but I never realized how much food comforted me until I hit a few bumps in the road and really needed comfort... I wished I could eat to make myself eat to feel better and that is when I realized that I was a binge eater. That I used food to numb out the same way that an alcoholic uses beer to solve his problems. I can't eat anymore and I want to binge. I want to eat and I really cant... ugh - this is pathetic that I miss food. But it's almost like I lost a friend or something...   I am so overwhelmed in life right now. I work 25 hours a week in a pert time job that doesn’t even come close to paying my bills. I go to school and am enrolled in 15 credit hours. I should have graduated LAST year but I have changed my major 8 times! Yea only 8 lol. So I still have 2 years... and then I will be an elementary school teacher. I honestly cannot wait to be a teacher. I love kids and I think that I may have found the major that will stick... but you never know. I thought that about my last major too.    Aside from school and work I want so badly to have a life. I am only 23 so I should be having fun and partying and goin to bars and clubs and what not but I have an issue with those places. I hate crowds... I hate parties and being around large groups of people just stresses me out. I don’t drink cos of the surgery and the crippling fear that I will become an alcoholic. So bars and clubs are generally not fun for me. another thing that makes parties, bars, and clubs awkward and bad for me is I hate being touched... I don’t like it when I am close and touching other people... it goes along with bein overweight... I just don’t want people to touch me and be grossed out and I feel like I take up too much space and when I maneuver through a crowd I can’t help but think that the people that I am sayin excuse me to are thinking here comes fatty or some other negative comment. IDK it makes social settings weird for me. when I do hang out and what not it basically is me hanging out with the same group of friends from my school or my sister and her group of 35+ friends that play poker... I feel that I live an uuber lame life. I feel like I am missing out on my life at a single twenty something girl... but at the same time I am lost and confused and I have no idea what to do about it.    Then there is the guy issues... I want to date I want to fall in love and I thought that after losing 50lbs I was ready so in November I began dating. I met David on match.com and there was this instant connection. He and I dated the entire month of November and I truly fell for him. I really felt this amazing connection to David the way I never have with anyone. But David is bipolar and we have been off and on for the last 6 months. In between I have dated a few other guys and had no real connections the way that I connected with David. But David will not be easy to be with forever and yet I choose him... the only problem is that I don’t know if he chooses me. I think it all boils down to trust and IDK if I trust that he isn’t goin anywhere again. I want to but I just can’t seem to trust it the way I want to. IDK if he is in it for me or in it for sex or what... I just wish I was a mind reader.   Also, I really don’t know what to do with all the new attention that I am getting from guys... I mean really I don’t know how to handle compliments - they make me feel awkward and idk it’s weird. Although I have lost 136 lbs I feel like I look the exact same and I don’t have any confidence. NONE. pathetic I know but I don’t have any self worth and that has led to some bad choices. Like sex... I caved and had sex w. David... he made me feel wanted and although I wanted to wait til I was married I had sex w. David. When we are together I don’t regret that decision... when we are broken up I totally regret that I did. I feel that I have lost part of my identity as a Christian as someone living chastity and I feel bad for it.   I know that this is a lot of rambling but I just needed to get it all out there.  I am thinking of goin to counseling for the food addiction and body image issues... I think it may help me to vent... but IDK who to go to or if I would even be covered for counseling... UGH I am just feelin very FML at the moment.    

Hi Amber,

I think that the therapy would do you so much good.  You sound a lot like me in that you have a lot of insight already in what is going on with you.  It can be a blessing and a curse at the same time.  I see a therapist that specializes in eating disorders and that understands gastric bypass.  This has helped so much with my food issues.  I am glad that venting helped.  Feel free to IM me if you want to or if you need anything, you are not alone.

Many blessings,

Kirsten

I am a born-again Christian who is also in recovery for alcoholism.  I struggled with the sex before and after my surgery, as I was married for 25 years and found life after marriage to be lonely, and celibacy to be quite challenging.

Mourning the food is normal and healthy.  You are not out of the ordinary in experiencing that feeling.  Being tempted sexually, and caving in, is normal too.  Read through the Bible and see where many of God's great men, fell into sexual temptation.  King David is my prime example. 

If you have not already been in psychotherapy, I strongly suggest you do so.  In therapy, you can learn new coping skills to take the place of the food.  Beware of consuming alcohol at this time, because of the danger of transfer addictions.

If you have a church family, get involved there.  Join a Women's Bible Study and start fellowshipping with women of different ages.  Try to develop a discipleship/mentoring relationship with an older woman who has journeyed life's paths, and you feel comfortable confiding in.  I did that, and it has blessed me more than I can describe.

Finally, God loves you no matter what you have done.  He also forgives us when we confess.  1 John 1:9.  I found studying and meditating on Psalm 139 and 1 Corinthians 6 helps me tremendously when I am feeling as you are.

God bless.
Trish