Having a meltdown
I came home from therapy yesterday and started to just totally meltdown. It took about 8 pages of writing before I was able to pinpoint what was at the root of my tears and urges to self-destruct. When I finally figured it out, I felt even more depressed.
In therapy, I was confronted with old behaviors that continue to crop up, and I just realized how low I had gone in the past year or so. I felt a deep sense of mourning and sadness, and guilt, shame and remorse. I realized that I felt this exact same way when my husband left me, and I acknowledged it was mainly due to my inappropriate behavior all throughout our marriage. The problem is, most of my negative behavior and attitude has either been in drinking or anger toward my therapist in counter-transference. I cried most of last night, and picked up some Teddy Grahams. I cannot get off the freaking sugar. Teddy Grahams are small, so I can get away with them.
So, today, I realized I needed help pulling myself out of the funk I fell into, and called my therapist. After waiting hours for him to return my call, he called me back when I was in the bathroom. His message reminded me that I had agreed in a signed agreement that phone calls between sessions would be limited. He reminded me that a true emergency should go to the E.R., and that if I really needed to talk to him, he would be happy to talk to me, but reminded me of our agreement. Well, I just burst into tears. I called him back and told him that I did not have an E.R. emergency, and that while I was having a meltdown, I would handle it.
In addition to this, I had participated in a Yahoo group for people in early recovery in AA. I kept screwing up, and getting into arguments with people because I failed to follow the group's rules about the discussions. I apologized yesterday when I realized that I am hypersensitive lately due to being early in sobriety. Well, today, I got a private e-mail from one of the mods of the group reprimanding me for stuff I had already apologized for. When I aked her why the reprimand post-apology, she said that I qualified my apology with excuses. All I had done was say that I have been hypersensitive lately, due to my early sobriety, but I did apologize to the group and the people I had argued with.
Needless to say, I am feeling very lonely, and misunderstood, and abandoned. Plus, I miss my daughter and granddaughter terribly. My granddaughter is really sick and I have been concerned about both of them because my daughter is pregnant, and exhausted. Her husband was away all weekend, and she did not get much sleep because of the munchkin having the stomach bug and a high fever. In the meantime, I am stuck in Pennsylvania, and they are in Michigan.
Sorry to whine and babble. I am just in the middle of my own personal meltdown.
Hugs,
Trish
In therapy, I was confronted with old behaviors that continue to crop up, and I just realized how low I had gone in the past year or so. I felt a deep sense of mourning and sadness, and guilt, shame and remorse. I realized that I felt this exact same way when my husband left me, and I acknowledged it was mainly due to my inappropriate behavior all throughout our marriage. The problem is, most of my negative behavior and attitude has either been in drinking or anger toward my therapist in counter-transference. I cried most of last night, and picked up some Teddy Grahams. I cannot get off the freaking sugar. Teddy Grahams are small, so I can get away with them.
So, today, I realized I needed help pulling myself out of the funk I fell into, and called my therapist. After waiting hours for him to return my call, he called me back when I was in the bathroom. His message reminded me that I had agreed in a signed agreement that phone calls between sessions would be limited. He reminded me that a true emergency should go to the E.R., and that if I really needed to talk to him, he would be happy to talk to me, but reminded me of our agreement. Well, I just burst into tears. I called him back and told him that I did not have an E.R. emergency, and that while I was having a meltdown, I would handle it.
In addition to this, I had participated in a Yahoo group for people in early recovery in AA. I kept screwing up, and getting into arguments with people because I failed to follow the group's rules about the discussions. I apologized yesterday when I realized that I am hypersensitive lately due to being early in sobriety. Well, today, I got a private e-mail from one of the mods of the group reprimanding me for stuff I had already apologized for. When I aked her why the reprimand post-apology, she said that I qualified my apology with excuses. All I had done was say that I have been hypersensitive lately, due to my early sobriety, but I did apologize to the group and the people I had argued with.
Needless to say, I am feeling very lonely, and misunderstood, and abandoned. Plus, I miss my daughter and granddaughter terribly. My granddaughter is really sick and I have been concerned about both of them because my daughter is pregnant, and exhausted. Her husband was away all weekend, and she did not get much sleep because of the munchkin having the stomach bug and a high fever. In the meantime, I am stuck in Pennsylvania, and they are in Michigan.
Sorry to whine and babble. I am just in the middle of my own personal meltdown.
Hugs,
Trish
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
Albert Schweitzer
Sending you some hugs. I am sorry you are having a rough day. I have had days like those and it is hard being on your own. I will keep you in my prayers.
Corgi Mom
RNY
3/16/05
287/129 bmi 20.2 height 5'7"
Loss is good Maintanance is GREAT
Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly
RNY
3/16/05
287/129 bmi 20.2 height 5'7"
Loss is good Maintanance is GREAT
Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly
Thanks for reaching out. I am okay now. My therapist and I spoke about 30 minutes ago. I have been journaling my hand off this weekend. I will put your number in my cell so I can call you in the future. I also have Verizon Wireless, so we would be able to talk for free.
I am physically and emotionally exhausted and going to head to bed in a few minutes.
Hugs,
Trish
I am physically and emotionally exhausted and going to head to bed in a few minutes.
Hugs,
Trish
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
Albert Schweitzer
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