Sober, smoke free, anxious and getting fat..

There!  Now that doesn't sound so good does it?  Well you guys may or may not have noticed I've not been around...

I went into one of my "spells" over the past few months.  I have remained sober, but since I quit smoking and with the holidays, I've gained back about 25 lbs.  Now I have to keep in mind that I probably BEGAN gaining before Sept when I stopped smoking but I didn't get on a scale so I'm not sure.  Part of it was depression, part the not smoking and part holiday eating.

So because I'm compulsive as hell, I have been shoving stuff in my mouth non stop for 4 months, and it's hurting me.  The depression had nearly debilitated me.  I found myself wanting to do little else but nap.  I have been unable to focus/concentrate.  It's been hard to get things done.  Life (my house, job, gradschool) had been totally unmanagable.

This all came to a head when my body decided enough was enough and started breaking out into stress induced hives.  Loud noises?  hives.  Commotion?  hives.  Anxiety?  Hives.  So ONLY because I was miserable, I took my butt back to the doctor.  He put me back on 300 mg of  Wellbutrin XL and Atarax for the sedative/hives/itching (the Atarax is non addictive - he wanted to give me xanax until I reminded him of my addicted past).  I'm doing MUCH better and it's only been a week.  I'm beginning to get the grazing/munching under control and I've even been exercising.

I had a complete and utter meltdown in the doctor's office when I saw how much weight I gained.  I mean I KNEW I'd gained cuz my clothes were getting tight but seeing the truth there in a number... Wow that was rough.   I immeiately broke out in hives and cried.  At least the doctor got to actually SEE me have a stress induced breakout.

So anyhow - I just want to be accountable to you guys, tell you that I'm doing better, and reaffirm that I'm going to work my ass off to rid myself of this added 25 lbs.  When I see msyelf whining about 25 lbs, I just gotta put it in perspective don't I?  25 is much more managable than 160 was :)

Oh and I get my one year chip (again..lol) next month - God willing.

Love you guys!
Michelle

Michelle,
Congrats on your one year chip.  I am coming up on 8 months next week.  Your post really made me stop and think about a few things.  I think I must be in a "spell" as you call it.  It seems that since I have recovered (I think I have anyway) from pneumonia I have felt "off".  I currently take Effexor and Geodon, with Vistiril (like Atarax, not addicting) if needed.  I have lost all interest in just about everything.  Granted, I work two jobs and am always busy going to meetings etc., but it just seems like lately I don't want to do crap.  I would rather break my arm than clean the house, do laundry etc.  I want to sleep, alot.  I have also had a few incidents of the hives during some particularly stressful times at home.  It never occurred to me that these could be stress induced.  Most of the time, I just want to be alone.  I'll sit in my room and read my AA books, do worksheets from my sponsor.  Just being alone.  This is not good with 2 older kids running around, 2 cats and 2 dogs (yes, its a circus!) and a hubby.  Hubby read about 2 paragraphs on depression and thinks he knows it all.  I am seeing my doctor next week for my regular appointment and I will mention this to him.

Its great that you have not picked up smoking again.  I wish I could quit.  Someday.  Don't worry about the extra pounds, they'll come off when you're in control again.  I haven't gained, in fact, I lost, but I was really sick for about 3 weeks.  Good luck.  I'll be thinking about you.  Kathy

WAY cool on the chip, chickie!!! I too, have been gaining some weight back since the holidays. I've not exercised, not cared to, and haven't been doing the right things for my body. I'm convinced I'm going through womenopause and am now on Prozac.  I see my surgeon next week for a follow up and am worried how my lack of motivation is going to look. (well, it'll look like fat on my hips, for one thing) I'm still down 75 ish, so that's good.

From what I l know of you on here, you are a strong woman, chickie...you'll be just fine.  I'm sure the hives will recede and the stress will too. For both of us!  GLAD YOU'RE BACK!!

Hugs,
Marie

It's soooooo good to see you posting...I am right there with you in terms of the food.  After my relapse with the alcohol 13 months ago, I threw all caution to the wind with my food as well.  I am up more than 25 pounds, but it took me a year to put it on. 

One of the things I am learning to learn is relaxation exercises.  I know them in my head, but have not figured out how to implement them on a regular basis so they actually work when I need them the most.  My therapist made me a recording of his visualization exercise and it helps tremendously, when I do it.  So, why don't I do it daily?  Duh!  If I knew the answer to that one, I would not be in rehab IOP, and  only have 30 days sober, cause I would have implemented his relaxation stuff when I had my personal meltdowns that kicked me into the worst relapse of my life in October.

All I know is that life happens to us one day at a time, so I have to live it that way.  Take one day at a time, and practice some basic deep breathing exercises throughout the day. 

I do understand about the hives though.  My physical reaction to stress was ulcers.  I have to plan my eating at work around my break periods because my lunch period is too short and I have the worst class right after that time.  

hang in there...you are doing great.  Congrats on your almost year.  That's terrific.

Huggles and love,
Trish