Just don't wanna do it anymore

Hello to all who may read this.

I don't want to complain or feel like I'm burdening anyone, but I am in need of some type of release. Please, please don't scold me or use tough love--I just don't think I can handle that right now.

I've been to other message boards and have been beaten down and called lazy, etc. I just don't need that anymore.

Anyways, I am really struggling with major depression, hopelessness, worthlessness, and failure. I can't seem to find happiness in anything. I had RNY a little over two years ago, and I wish I could just forget I ever had it. I lost about 80 lbs initially, but have since gained back about 30. I never even got close to my goal weight. I just can't seem to stay on track with the eating and exercising, and I'm not sure that I even care to anymore.

I have several issues going on at the moment and there's just not enough room to go into details about it here. I am in therapy with a psychologist who specializes in eating disorders, but with the weather I've only been able to see her once a month. I need to somehow make it there more often, but she is 50+ miles away and I have a lot of anxieties about driving that far by myself--I've only done it once. I'm in such a rut, I'm not even sure I want to go to her either.

I feel so hopeless--a total waste of oxygen. Please note, I am not saying that to get attention or sympathy--I honestly feel this way. My husband is wonderful, but even he can't seem to help pick me up. The things I used to have so much pleasure and pride in, just aren't appealing anymore. The only glimmer of joy that I get is from my puppy and my baby goats (they're a week old today) but even that is fleeting.

I don't know what help I need or why I'm even bothering anyone about my troubles--everybody has enough on their plates without my share. I guess I just need to vent. Going to sleep and not waking up sounds so nice, but then I'd really be a quitter.

Well, I'm going to sign off now, thanks for reading this--if you made it this far.

Take care,
Nettie

Hi Nettie,

I sometimes feel like that too.  After much searching, I was diagnosed w/ clinical depression. Please contact your doctor and/or a psychologist who might refer you to a psychiatrist for meds.  I was put on Effexor, which helped alot.  I am menopausal, and have gained over 40 pounds in the past year due to depression after 4 minor strokes.

Don't give up.  Also, try a support group in your area. If there isn't one - start one.  Contact psychologists, psychiatrists or even a local university to see if they can lead the group once a month. Sometimes you can find psychiatry students who will volunteer.  You need to know that you are not alone, you are depressed and that there's hope.  Seeing and being around people like you can help.

Write back as you need to, good luck and God bless.

Nettie,

I am so sorry you are in that place you are.  I can so understand how you feel.  It really hurts and I know that pain.  I know the joy that only the animals bring and the desire to sleep and not wake up.  I just finished a thirty day stint as an inpatient at a wonderful hospital for severe depression , Bipolar, and an eating disorder.  I went kicking and screaming.  They got my meds on track and the intense psychotherapy and cognitive behavioral therapy not to mention the time to myself to work on me was great though in the beginning I felt like I could't would't and should't well I needed it and without it I am not sure I would be here typing to you.  Consider it for yourself for your husband and for your critters.  I just wanted to let you know I will pray for you and think of you and keep hope in my heart that this terrible disease will leave you.

May you be blessed with Gods love and health this season

Kirsten

 I, as well as many out there feel your pain and despair.  You are not complaining this is the type of board to go to.  One thing I saw is the distance to your therapist.  If you feel that he or she is a positive resource arrange phone, IM's or email contact.  My head stops me from showing up if I am "not in the mood"  my therapist checks on me if I am a no show, or we do "phone".

Don't let distance stop you.

I feel your pain with weight gain, I got down from a size 32 to 4.  Needless to say I am at about a 12 I feel like I am back at a 32.

Start where you are today and try to make small goals. 10 pounds, 5 pounds don't overwhelm yourself that messes with  your mind and self esteem.

Please keep on trying to find something that gives you a "pick up", meds, a therapist, meetings of any sort usually are helpful.

Good luck

Lea

Hi Nettie,

I'm sorry you're going through this depression. It's a very rough time of year for many people. Why not call your therapist and see if they'll do a phone consult? If you are anxious about driving that distance but need the extra time with them, they should be willing to help. If they won't do a phone consult, maybe they can recommend another therapist closer to you?!  it's a suggestion...

Good luck and take care of yourself,

Marie

Hi Nettie,
You are not whining, you are in pain, and I empathize with you.  Eating disorders usually mask other issues, like clinical depression.  I have suffered terribly from it, as well as other things. 

I drive about 75 miles, almost weekly, to my therapist.  He used to be a mile from where I live, but moved, and I have serious abandonment issues.  I also have a terrific psychiatrist who helps me with my medication regimen.

It sounds like you need a psychiatric evaluation for possible medication.

Good luck.

Trish

Nettie,
I share a lot of your feelings.  I quit losing wt at around 6 months and my rny was 2 years ago.  And I have gained about 30 back.  Only lost about 90 so I'm still about 60 down.  But I also have depression issues and am an alcoholic.  But haven't quit yet.  I'm almost there.....ready to quit.  But I need to make a comittment and that I also have issues with.  I'm a single mom with 2 great kids who I need to set an example for and right now I'm not the best example.

I don't know what do say to you other than you are NOT alone.  If you ever need to PM me that is fine too.  I live in MN so I can totally relate to the weather.  Winter truely sucks.  But on the other hand it is good for me.  I'm not outside with neighbors all night long drinking....but I drink alone instead.  Not even including the fact that season affective disorder plays a part as well.

I have many more issues which I can't post but if you'd like to talk anytime let me know.  Again, I just wanted to let you know you are NOT alone.

HUGS
Paula

Thank you everyone for the replies and support. I appreciate the comments and knowing that you all care enough to encourage me.

Some background on me. I have major depression and anxiety disorder, SAD, and obsessive compulsive disorder. I am currently taking three different meds for the depression and anxiety along with Xanax when I'm really bad. They have me maxed out on the antidepressants and I'm barely getting any relief.

Sunday I got into it with my step-sons girlfriend. Monday my dog jumped on me and I knocked her down. That set me off. I've had a nervous breakdown of some kind. I ended up in the ER for suicidal thoughts. Then went to my psyche fnp who upped my dosage on another med. After the first she is going to help me get into an inpatient therapy program. I am so down that I cannot function normally. I don't even want to get up to bathe or brush my hair. I forget to brush my teeth. The only thing I can remember to do is eat. And I do that a lot.

I am not sure I can pull myself up after this. when I had the breakdown that is exactly what it felt like--like something broke inside of me. I am not the same person. It's like I'm a tree that's been snapped down the middle from the weight of an ice storm. There's no fixing it to perfection; not even close. I can smile and laugh and the next minute, literally, I'll be crying my eyes out and can't stop. I hope that going into the hospital will at least help me function. I say that but I'm not sure if I mean it.

Oh, well, such is my life. I just wanted to update everyone and say thank you. I admire all of you for being able to carry on. You are all in my thougts.

Take care,

Nettie