I cheated and I know I was only hurting myself

I had to see my counsler on Tuesday and she wanted to send me to the hospital because my weight was way down. I told her no I was not going to hurt myself so she can't make me go. Well she went on and on and still NO. So she wanted me to see the Phych doctor on Wednesday. So when I went I put on 2 pair of pants and 3 shirts and loaded up my pockets so when she weighed me my weight was up 2 lbs. She said I didn't need to go to the hospital. I told her I wanted to be home for the holidays. If I need to go after Christmas then they could send me as long as they wanted me to go. So I know I cheated and I only hurt myself. I feel ok. I have felt worse and been home. I take it day by day. If I get to bad I will go to the E.R. There is nothing they can do for me on the phych floor that I can't do at home. So they changed my meds and I am home.....yeah....our down town Christmas party is tonight. And I want to go.

Amy

Amy,

I gotta say this.  I apologize in advance if I sound like a total *****  I really DO care.

Your posts make me so overwhelmingly angry.  They make me sad.  They make me see what a true mindfreak our addictions can be and I always say a little "there but for the Grace of God Go I".

I really want to know something.  Why do you post here?  Do you want help with your food addiction?  Do you want to reinforce the sickness with the flippant attitude and bragging about being so sick?  Do you do it so you will go back and re-read the posts later and seriously rethink what you are doing to yourself?  Do you do it to get sympathy from us?  Do you do it just because keeping it inside is worse than not?  Do you do it to feel better about yourself? I honestly want to know.

You describe behaviors similar to what we've all done with a coldness and callousness that makes me wonder if you really do have that horrible emotional component that goes along with it or if you are so completely narcissistic in your disease that you're having fun with us.  Again, I'm not trying to be hateful.  I want to understand.

You do know that your behavior is going to kill you right?  I"m just wondering because you seem to be having quite a bit of fun fun "sticking it to the man" with the way you act and even more fun with the way you tell us about it.  I know what it's like to say "screw it I'm gonna drink - I give up".  Maybe that's what you've done with food, I don't know.

I'm very glad you keep sharing here, don't get me wrong - it lets us know you're still alive.  But we all do care about you and I personally want to smack you sometimes when I read your posts. 

Hooray!  You fooled the doctor!  You win!  That Christmas Party is truly what it's all about  isn't it?  That's what's most important, right?  Well I certainly hope you enjoy it - it might be your last one if you keep this up.

love (even if it's tough love today),
Michelle

It took me several days to get over what you said without telling you what I think. I am not a nice person. At all. I post because I can. This is mental health and I have mental issues. If you don't like what I post then don't read them. You are not the only one that has blocked me. I don't care. I wright to make me feel better not you. I wish to god you was as sick as me so you would know how it felt. Don't judge me until you have walked one day in my place. I don't have to explain nothing to you. You mean nothing to me. You act like it is a disease I can just wake up one day and say ok I am healed. And if you had to apologize for sounding like a ***** well then you know what that means. Yeah I know I am going to die. If you think life is full of happy and fuzzy well you are not in my world. I am in a world of **** You have no freaking clue what is going on in my mind. Don't forget this is the mental health board. Not just for people that can't handle drinking. You said what you needed to and so did I. And I wish to my God you would have the nerve to even try to slap me. I could take that as a threat.  And yes I will have a good Christmas 6 feet under or not.

Thanks so much for all the caring

With all my love

Amy

I'm not a nice person either....

Amy, Grow up. Get your priorities straight. Take your recovery(whether with food, alchy or whatever) seriously and take care of yourself....FOR YOU.

I don't read your posts often because every time you post you are a spitting image of me when I was lying to myself about my alcohol. You can't kid a kidder, you can't bull**** a bull****ter.

I live my recovery....not pick and choose the moments I wish to do so....including to get me through the holidays or whatever the situation may be, including kids or family.

I will and have prayed for you, have a blessed day-
Liz

Please post tomorrow....I want to make sure you wake up on THIS side of the dirt. Sometimes I could ***** slap you into next week....and other times I just shake my head sadly and remember how similar actions remind me of the old me. Before I got sober, before I stopped using...before I pulled my head out of my ass...before I got my life back. So keep in touch tomorrow, ok?

Marie

Thank you. You know it is not like one day I woke up and said oh I think I will have a eating disorder today. When I was very fat I had a eating disorder. I never remember not having one. I just went to one extream to another. I could sit here on my ass and do nothing about it. But I do go to see my counsler 2 times a week. I think most of us have or had a eating disorder. IF not why did we have gastric bypass done in the first place. It was not because we was skinny. Hope you had a good Thanksgiving. Have a blessed day.

Amy,
In addition to echoing everything Michelle and Marie have said, I must tell you that I have been in outpatient eating disorder treatment, and have watched the teenage anorectics act like they were pulling the wool over the psychiatrist's eyes.  He was able to see through their bull****  Unfortunately, your doctor didn't. 

Obviously, your disease is in control, and you are completely deluded by it.  Your Christmas party is more important to you than your physical health.  You see, in a hospital, they make sure you eat.  They watch you eat and then don't let you go to the bathroom for at least half an hour to make sure you don't puke it back up.  Like I said,  I was in outpatient treatment and a lot of my group members had been inpatient.

If you really want to get better, you will stop the bull**** game playing you are doing with your doctor and call the doctor up and fess up to the deception.  NOW!!!  You may not be alive after Christmas to be treated inpatient or outpatient.

I was playing games with the alcohol in October and crying out for attention, and my therapist had me get into an Intensive Outpatient Program for my alcoholism.  I was also playing games with my meds and my therapist had me fess up to my psychiatrist about it.  I guess the difference between you and me is that I desperately want to get well, and I am willing to do whatever the professionals in my life say is in my best interest, because I obviously can't make those decisions at this time. 

When you decide you want to get better, if you are alive to make that decision, you will start doing what the doctors and therapists say, and stop lying to them about your weight. 

I hope you grow up and stop the game playing.  It is your life you are playing with, not some childhood game.

Hugs,
Trish