Husband wants an apology for years of my fat...

Sorry for this cross post, but I thought folks on this forum may be the experts.

Our story...

I've been married for 12 years. When we met I was 225... we broke up twice because he said he couldn't handle my weight, but then we reconciled, and when we reconciled the 2nd time I truly believed he had decided that my weight didn't matter... right... I went on adkins and lost 45 pounds, and when I hit a size 14, he proposed.

Between proposal and marriage, I put on 5 pounds, which he now refers to as "packing on the pounds"...

Weight went up and down, we now have a 7 year old old that we both adore...  But for years we've acted like roommates that tolerate each other... He totally blames my weight for denying him what he deserves (an attractive wife).  Let me point out that he's 5'6", bald, and weighs 200 pounds himself (quite the pot belly).

I had lap band in May 2007, and have lost 90 pounds, so right now I'm at the weight I was when he proposed.  I don't really have a "goal" to speak of, but am around a size 14 now and was recently referred to by an old friend as the "trophy wife".   But there's still this lingering resentment on both sides.

He has no sympathy for my problem with food. All he sees is that he was denied an attractive wife for all those years.  He says that I owe him an apology... that part of recovery for any addiction is apologizing and trying to make up to the people you've harmed.  He feels harmed and doesn't understand why I haven't apologized to him for the harm done to him because I was fat.  He said he got depressed and he went on prozac for 2 years, and really is trying to lay on the guilt that it's all my fault.

Personally, I resent him for not being able to see me through my weight, and not being able to love me regardless, like the marriage vows indicate...  Do I owe him an apology for having been fat??  When I told him that there are lots of spouses who love each other regardless of fat, he told me to "take a poll of men".

Boy, I was stupid. I never should have married him knowing that he had this issue with my weight before we married.  But now we have this great kid, and he wants to stay together to give him a stable home. Honestly, I'm not so sure.

He wasn't even very supportive of my surgery. He wanted me to have it, but went through the motions of helping me through recovery.  According to him (in our first honest discussion last night after years of simmering nastiness), he said that "rather than deal with your addiction, a scalpel helped you avoid it".

I plan to call a counselor today, to start talking by myself, and then bringing him into it (which he only grudgingly agreed to do last night).

Thoughts?

Beth
Lap Band 5/07  270/180/?

First I would like to say CONGRATS on the weight loss. You've done a great job!

Hummmm, well here is my advice. Tell him that you want an apology for living with a bald man. I find bald men gross...you can take a poll of women for that one.

This man doesn't seem to be very supportive, and I am concerned about his influence on your 7 year old. He needs help. It's almost sounds like he is mentally abusing you to keep you. He wants to make you feel like he is the only man that would put up with you....I say while you losing the weight, why not lose another 200 balding pounds and get rid of him....just my thoughts.

DarDar 

I've never seen a post where someone's husband is asking for an apology for their weight.  I personally think it is pretty selfish for him be asking that of you. I think when someone has an addiction to drugs or alcohol it can be reasonable to expect an apology because they have often put their family in serious danger - whether it be financially, physically, emotionally, etc. What harm has your "addiction" really done to him?

I read your post to my husband asked him what his response would be if he were "polled".  He said that it didn't matter to him one way or the other whether I had the surgery as far as my looks go. He was actually a little aprehensive about it just because of the risks of surgery. He also added "and no, it's not like I'm a chubby-chaser and didn't want you to lose weight, I was just worried about something going wrong with the surgery". lol

Your husband is mentally abusive to you, and he needs the therapy more than you do.  He has his priorities all wrong.

That said, you cannot change him, you can only change you.  I suggest you definitely get therapy and work on yourself, and develop a thick skin where he is concerned.  You do not owe him anything.  You did nothing wrong to him in being overweight.  Don't expect him to be supportive of you in any area of your life.  He is selfish and petty. 

Sorry to be so blunt.  I call them as I see them.

Hugs,
Trish

I'm sorry you guys are struggling.  In my never to be humble opinion....  he knew your issues when he married you.  You did not trick him or deceive him in any way.  You would only owe an apology if you had withheld information he needed to make a decision about spending his life with you.  He knew damn well what he was getting into.

I do understand he is probably unhappy with his life, and you seem like a convenient excuse/explanation/scapegoat.  That's kind of sad, because once you begin working out your own issues, he is going to be left with HIS.  It's a tough dynamic.

I agree with Trish.  Focus on the things over which you have the power.  You can only change YOU - your reactions, your coping skills, your relating style.  Take care of YOU.  He will either come on board or not.  You have no power there.

I wish you guys the very best - and trust me - it will all work out as it should.

Love and light,
Michelle

Beth, my heart cries out for you...you do not owe that jack A-- an apology for anything.  He seems very self centered, he is the one with the problem.  I was married to an alcoholic , he went to work, did his job well, but when it came to relationships, he sucked at it.  I put up with him for 18yrs, got my act together and got rid of my problem!
I have weight issues, have had it most of my adult life,come from an over weight family, have issues of my own which I address.  I took care of myself, concentrated on what my issues were, and when I changed my way of thinking, the ex could not stand it....he decided he could not live with an independant woman who would not put up with his mental and emotional abuse, which he finally admitted he was that way.  I am much better off without him.  I have been divorced for 11 yrs now, still over weight, but I love me for me, and if there is anyone out there who does not like me, oh well, thier problem, not mine.
  I am in a wonderful relationship with a man who accepts me for me, and is very supportive of my decision to get the lap band procedure, he wants to see me healthy, but he still accepts me for me..fat or thin.  We are suppose to love one another unconditionally, it seems your husband forgot the wedding vows of love one another in sickness, health, better or worse, he needs to take a long look at his, baldness and the dun lop disease, the belly dunlopped over the belt buckle! LOL You accept him for his faults, what is his problem?
Keep up the good work, love yourself first, be happy with who you are first and everything else will fall into place. You deserve better, you need that emotional and mental support, and talking with a therapist is the best thing you can do for you!  As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink.  My ex refused to go to counseling to fix us, so I fixed me and am very happy.  Good luck and don't let this be a back slide for you.  May God bless you...Farmgirl58 

Your husband is an asshole.You were fat when you met so why is he gonna trip on your weight? Does he ever take you the gym to get rid of his belly? Some of you may not like my opinion on Prozac but he didn't need it to deal with your weight. First he *****es about your weight then *****es about your surgery. All he's doing is abusing you to make himself feel better. He probably watches too much porn and thinks that he should have a wife that looks like a porn a star. He's a dick. I 'd like to kick his ass.

Damn honey I LOVE your answer!! If I need help shoving that jerk down the gullet of a woodchipper I know who to call....We might need to rent a derrick to lift his ignorant, pompous ass off the ground first!!

I can deadlift 365. Would that be enough? I'm just tryin to you save money on renting the chipper.

Awesome!! You da man, baby, YOU DA MAN!!  I have to hit the gym like I used to. :) One curl at a time starting Sunday...and I can use all the financial savings I can get!!