Vulnerable

I am feeling very vulnerable right now.  I have been in treatment for a week now, and sober for 12 days.  This is a difficult week for me, as the 2nd anniversary of my younger brother's sudden death is tomorrow the 22nd.  I was just two months post-op when it occurred, but I had 5 years of sobriety when it happened.  I was strong and resilient.  THEN. 

This week, in therapy, I was crying because of all the raw feelings I have now.  Stuff has come up in therapy about missing my father, who has been gone for 31 years.  I also miss my brothers.  My older brother died in February of this year.  Needless to say, I have lost the three men I grew up with, and it ha**** me hard recently.  I feel so alone now. 

Sure, I have my kids, but they are all over the country, not here.  I have my sister and sister-in-law, but they are not the same.  I miss the men in my life.  It is a deep seated loss, and I am really feeling it. 

I don't want to drink over it, nor eat over it.  I just want to cry, and be held, as if that were possible.

I have not been to visit either of my brother's graves, since the funeral of my older brother in February.  I am afraid to go.  I just can't handle the pain right now. 

So, I thought I would just put my feelings out in writing and share where I am at.  I just feel raw and vulnerable today. 

I am not working today, as I took a personal leave day.  I have a ton of cleaning to do since I was sick over the weekend, and I have treatment at night.  I just have to get this place organized and in order.

I hope everyone has a good, sober, day.

Hugs,
Trish

Good for you for taking a "mental health day" today.  Maybe it would help to write letters to your brothers and your father?  It would help to get your feelings out.  If not, just allow yourself to cry and feel the emotions.  They won't kill you.  Hopefully your therapist has some good suggestions to follow.  Or you could take a nice long bath with candles and lavender bath oil or something to soothe yourself.

virtual hugs.

You know these feelings are temporary.  I'm so proud of you!

PS you are still very strong and resilient - it takes immense courageand strength to look at ourselves and  to get sober.  Never forget that!

Love u girl,
Michelle

Trish,

i am so sorry about your losses. i never had a farther to speak of so i don't know what to say about that. i have a wonderful brother who i credit with savingmy life and reputation (long story) but i get to see him an average of about once a year because he lives/works overseas.
i know i said that before but i think you are a great person and a hopre we meet in person someday.

love, nat

I WAS SO PISSED AT THE DOCTOR LAST WEEK THAT I WENT OUT AND GOT ME A BIG ONE TO SMOKE. HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON. AND THE BIG ONE WAS NOT AS GOOD AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. WE ALL HAVE OUR BREAKING POINT. I COULDN'T REMEMBER MY FREAKING PASS WORD ON HERE OR MY OLD E-MAIL TO HAVE IT SENT TO SO I HAD TO DO A NEW PROFILE. IT HAS BEEN A ****TY 2 WEEKS....
THANK GOD FOR A NEW DAY TOMORROW
AMY

dear amy,

if you got yourself a bif fat one, hopefully you got the munchies to go with it and ordered yourself a nice big pizza:) you can use the nutrition and calories...please don;t take offense at that, it;s just my lame attempt to make you smile. plus, as ****** up as it sounds, i'm a little jelaous of being underweight...i stilll see a fat peson in the mirror

love, nat

I still see the fat me when I look at me most of the time. My son makes fun of my legs. He tells me them things you call legs. To me they are huge. I look 100 years old. And I am 44. I have smoked weed for over 30 years. I just stopped a month or 2 ago. And yeah  it makes me hungry. I like mcdonalds lol...big freaking mac.....I know weed is still a drug but there is a lot worse I could do.
Amy

Trish,

I have no advice to offer you. Other than I know how you feel.  I'm the youngest and the only girl in my family. All three of my older brothers have died....all too young. My father is gone too, so all the men in my life are not there....but sometimes I can feel them. Like when I'm driving and I'm going down a snowy hill I can hear my Dad telling me to pump my breaks. You have a shor time sober, and your diease is messing with you.  You are doing all the right things.  I know your plate is full, but try to squeeze in a meeting.

DarDar