My Way

When I was a little girl, my mother loved Frank Sinatra and his
song, "My Way." She told us kids that she wished for us to be able
to live our lives our way, as the lyrics in the song suggest. I took
that to heart and forged a path for my life totally different from my
family of origin, insisting that I was unscathed by the alcohol and
insanity that my parents had raised us in.

So much for that fantasy. Nineteen years, that all came apart when
my therapist suggested I get my butt to AA, as my life was coming
apart, and I was drinking in an unhealthy way. I went to AA
grudgingly, and resisted the program from the get-go. I insisted on
working the program my way. I went through sponsors like crazy, and
when I finally thought I had found a good one, she dumped me for
seeing a psychiatrist and going on medications for my mental
illness.

Eventually, I found another sponsor and put together a few years, and
then a few more, until I had grown weary of attending meetings and
doing service and being involved in the program. I was going to live
my life my way, and that did not include all this AA nonsense. I
started drinking again and went through a few years of on again/off
again drinking. When my marriage ended, my drinking picked up, and I
was challenged to get back to AA.

I immediately got a sponsor and got involved in the program in
earnest. I kept that up for a few years, and then got to tired, and
busy and crazy to stay involved again. I visited AA meetings, but
did not get involved in service. I had a sponsor who never called me
back and I stopped calling her after a while. I then picked up in
December, and began another relapse, with more frequent binges ending
in May with a week long, bottle a day binge. That is something I had
never done in my worst days of drinking prior.

When I came back in June, I started asking women my meeting to
sponsor me, but all were sponsored up. I did not venture to other
meetings. I would not consider taking that risk.

Well, that all changed tonight. I visited a new meeting this evening
and found it such a blessing. As I listened to the reading and the
sharing it dawned on me that I had been working the program my way.
Up until the past two weeks, I had not been willing to take direction
from anyone, not even my therapist, without at least an argument.
This week, I did all the things that had been suggested by either my
therapist, or my IOP counselor. Example: One of the rules of IOP is
to keep cell phones in the car. At first I rationalized that I could
just turn it off and keep it in my purse. Then, I thought about it.
If the rule is to keep it in the car, then I should keep it in the
car. End of discussion.

So, tonight I went to a women's meeting I had never been to. It was
a good learning experience for me in taking direction, and I was
blessed in doing so.

I hope everyone has a safe and sober weekend. Sorry this is so long.

Trish

Wow...this was really profound for me. I know I've never relapsed with alcohol, but I HAVE with just about everything else I call a vice. I realize I'm doing thigns my way too, and NOT by the program.  I seriously needed to read your post hon! Thanks for your honesty.

Hugs,
Marie

GO SOX!! (ummm, WHAT are we gonna do if the Sox face the Phillies g/f??) LOL

Hi Trish,

What a brave sole you are. Thank you for posting this.  Even though I have never been married I could idenify with most of what your going through. You, are in a place that you are open to suggestions....I'm happy your taking them.

I'm not a Frank Santra fan....but I do understand the concept of doing things 'my way' ... which for some reason got me into trouble

You got my number, I know your busy, but maybe we can meet and go to a meeting some time.

Take Care

d

HI Trish -

So glad you found a good meeting!  I am the same way, I want to do everything "my way", but unfortunately it just doesn't work.  I **** it up every time.  I can't run the show.  I have to turn it all over to my HP and ask to be "open, honest & willing" and also humble.  You have the right idea.  Just do the next indicated right thing, keep going to meetings, and don't drink in between.  Oh yeah, and follow a few simple steps.

I'm so glad you're giving recovery another try! 

Jeanne

Boy can I relate to what you're saying!  I've found a great source for "speaker tapes" and big book studies ( http://silkworth.net/freestuff.html)  Sandy B. talks a lot about that whole "My Way" approach and how many of us tend to do that.

I'm really glad to see you found a new meeting that warms you.  I pray you find a sponsor that does also.  I honestly would be stagnant without mine.  She is a gift from the angels.

I'm so proud of the work you're doing - I know how difficult it is!  A good close friend in the program has been in relapse hell for over a month now and I just ACHE for her.  She told me today it's bad enough that she thinks she's going to need detox -not just returning to meetings.  I pray she gets it.