Telling on my disease...
First - this is the time of year that I have to kind of fight against depressing - it's just as cunning as the alcoholism. I've been doing "OK" with that.
So I've been going through the steps again. I was at my sponsor's house the other day working on 4th step stuff with her (we kind of combine 4 and 5 together since she helps me with it). I had the most bizzarre emotional response that came out of nowhere. I was crying. Now keep in mind, I do not cry lol. I mean seriously - not even in my therapist's office have I once cried. I bawled like a baby at my sponsor's house Thursday. Apparently I've stirred some yukkies up to the surface.
So ever since that day, I've had these thoughts. I have been thinking about drinking. I have been overeating. I contacted the old old boyfriend (who I'd put away for over six months now), I even contacted the not so old boyfriend and saw a movie with him and then got very mad cuz apparently he has some sex issues and I always take that to mean it's ME (which I know better - I could find somebody to SLEEP WITH me pretty easily - I've proven that in the past sigh). So wow - all this behavior and acting out. whoa. I forgot to mention I "forgot" (not really) my therapist appt on Friday too - no real reason other than I wanted to take a nap.
I'm not getting much work done, and that's not going to bode well.
Apparently, my disease does not want me to work through that 4th step stuff. I do **NOT** want to drink. This is also about the time last year that I relapsed... and again, it's a very vulnerable time of year for me historically. makes me wonder if I'm not a little bipolar myself.
Ok - tattling done. I'm calling my sponsor in a bit and making a meeting. I do not want to drink. But for some reason I'm trying like HELL to change the way I feel - even though I don't even understand or know how I feel. sigh.
Love u guys,
Michelle
So I've been going through the steps again. I was at my sponsor's house the other day working on 4th step stuff with her (we kind of combine 4 and 5 together since she helps me with it). I had the most bizzarre emotional response that came out of nowhere. I was crying. Now keep in mind, I do not cry lol. I mean seriously - not even in my therapist's office have I once cried. I bawled like a baby at my sponsor's house Thursday. Apparently I've stirred some yukkies up to the surface.
So ever since that day, I've had these thoughts. I have been thinking about drinking. I have been overeating. I contacted the old old boyfriend (who I'd put away for over six months now), I even contacted the not so old boyfriend and saw a movie with him and then got very mad cuz apparently he has some sex issues and I always take that to mean it's ME (which I know better - I could find somebody to SLEEP WITH me pretty easily - I've proven that in the past sigh). So wow - all this behavior and acting out. whoa. I forgot to mention I "forgot" (not really) my therapist appt on Friday too - no real reason other than I wanted to take a nap.
I'm not getting much work done, and that's not going to bode well.
Apparently, my disease does not want me to work through that 4th step stuff. I do **NOT** want to drink. This is also about the time last year that I relapsed... and again, it's a very vulnerable time of year for me historically. makes me wonder if I'm not a little bipolar myself.
Ok - tattling done. I'm calling my sponsor in a bit and making a meeting. I do not want to drink. But for some reason I'm trying like HELL to change the way I feel - even though I don't even understand or know how I feel. sigh.
Love u guys,
Michelle
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"God does not care about our mathmatecial difficulties - he integrates emperically!" - Albert Einstein
"God does not care about our mathmatecial difficulties - he integrates emperically!" - Albert Einstein
Hey Michelle,
I could have written most of your post. I never cried in my therapist's office, until my brother died two years ago, and I have been seeing this poor schmuck since 1989. I am not a big crier on most things, and refuse to cry in front of people.
I relate so much to that acting out urge when the emotions get stirred up. For me, it is a knee-jerk reaction, and I have to be very careful with it, because I have dealt with the relapsing into alcohol in the past year.
The guy stuff is also something I relate to. Right now, I have no guys in my life, but in the past I acted out with guys as well.
My best suggestion is to journal and talk to your therapist about the stuff that is coming up. I have had stuff come up in therapy that I had avoided for 19 years, and it was the core stuff of my emotional make-up.
Good for you for not drinking. That is the bottom line anymore. Everything else will fall into place if you keep working your program and stay sober. Drinking, as I have so well experienced, only makes things worse.
Hugs,
Trish
I could have written most of your post. I never cried in my therapist's office, until my brother died two years ago, and I have been seeing this poor schmuck since 1989. I am not a big crier on most things, and refuse to cry in front of people.
I relate so much to that acting out urge when the emotions get stirred up. For me, it is a knee-jerk reaction, and I have to be very careful with it, because I have dealt with the relapsing into alcohol in the past year.
The guy stuff is also something I relate to. Right now, I have no guys in my life, but in the past I acted out with guys as well.
My best suggestion is to journal and talk to your therapist about the stuff that is coming up. I have had stuff come up in therapy that I had avoided for 19 years, and it was the core stuff of my emotional make-up.
Good for you for not drinking. That is the bottom line anymore. Everything else will fall into place if you keep working your program and stay sober. Drinking, as I have so well experienced, only makes things worse.
Hugs,
Trish
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
Albert Schweitzer
Hi Michelle -
I go thru the same thing with depression at this time of year. Ever heard of SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder? Google it and see what you come up with. My therapist recommended the broad-spectrum lamps. I have a small one that I use at my desk at work, but I think you're supposed to use the large ones that cost like $100. Kinda steep, but if it saves your sanity, WTH.
Contacting your sponsor and telling her you're thinking about drinking is a great idea. I've had the idea cross my mind more than once that taking a Valium or muscle relaxer would be really nice. And this time of year 2 years ago was when I relapsed. So I have to be hypervigilant about weird thoughts and go to more meetings just to get my serenity back on track.
Good for you for doing a 4th step - I need to work on that myself. I did a 4th step with my 1st sponsor, even got around to making some amends, but then I relapsed and changed sponsors and haven't gotten around to redoing my 4th step. I think that would really help my program right about now.
I agree with the other poster about journaling your feelings or at least talking thru them with your sponsor or therapist or at a meeting. I know that always helps me sort things out.
I go thru the same thing with depression at this time of year. Ever heard of SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder? Google it and see what you come up with. My therapist recommended the broad-spectrum lamps. I have a small one that I use at my desk at work, but I think you're supposed to use the large ones that cost like $100. Kinda steep, but if it saves your sanity, WTH.
Contacting your sponsor and telling her you're thinking about drinking is a great idea. I've had the idea cross my mind more than once that taking a Valium or muscle relaxer would be really nice. And this time of year 2 years ago was when I relapsed. So I have to be hypervigilant about weird thoughts and go to more meetings just to get my serenity back on track.
Good for you for doing a 4th step - I need to work on that myself. I did a 4th step with my 1st sponsor, even got around to making some amends, but then I relapsed and changed sponsors and haven't gotten around to redoing my 4th step. I think that would really help my program right about now.
I agree with the other poster about journaling your feelings or at least talking thru them with your sponsor or therapist or at a meeting. I know that always helps me sort things out.
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