MY ADDICTION

IS NOT EATING. OR IF I EAT I PUKE IT UP. I WENT TO ONE EXTREAM TO ANOTHER. THIS HAS BEEN A FIGHT IN MY HEAD FOR 3 YEARS NOW AFTER MY GASTRIC. I HAVE BEEN IN 2 ANOREXIC HOSPITALS AND ONE I STILL LOST WEIGHT WHEN I WAS THERE. I AM 3 YEARS OUT OF GBS AND IT IS STILL A FIGHT AND STRUGGLE WITH FOOD. I OPEN THE FRIGE AND LOOK AND PICK UP SOMETHING TO EAT THEN JUST PUT IT BACK. THE DOCTOR TOLD ME I WOULD NEVER BE FAT AGAIN. I GO TO MENTAL HEALTH 2 TIMES A WEEK. I AM TRYING TO GAIN WEIGHT....THEN I SEE THE SCALES MOVE UP AND I FREAK THE *** OUT. MY WEIGHT IS 95LBS-1OO LBS. Im so scared of going over 100 lbs. that it is killing me. it will be a fight with me till death.........I SAID I WOULD DIE TO BE SKINNY AND I THINK I AM GETTING WHAT I WISH FOR. I DON'T DRINK ALCHOL.(sp) I USE TO SMOKE WEED.BUT HAVE NOT IN A LONG TIME. I AM 44 YEARS OLD I AM TO OLD TO BE TRYING TO LOOK LIKE A TEENAGER. I READ WHERE PEOPLE CAN BEAT ANOREXIA AND BULIMICA. SO I WANT TO AND AM GOING TO BEAT THIS. WE HAVE NO DOCTORS OR HOSPITALS NEAR MY TOWN THAT DEALS WITH THIS KIND OF PROBLEMS AND I HAVE KIDS THAT I CAN'T LEAVE. I HAVE NO FRIENDS OR FAMILY. I AM FIGHTING THIS ON MY OWN. SO ALL I CAN DO IS PRAY AND ASK FOR HELP FROM GOD AND HELP MYSELF.

AMY

Hi Amy,
My heart breaks for you as your struggle with the horrors of the eating disorders.  I was in outpatient treatment for my binge eating twice, and there were quite a few women who were anorexic and bulimic, including a dear woman about your age.  My encouragement to you is to stay in therapy, hopefully, your therapist has experience with eating disorders.  It is beatable, though it will be one day at a time, just like recovery from alcoholism. 

When I was in my last treatment prior to my surgery, I met a lovely young lady who had weight loss surgery, and then became anorexic.  It does happen, and it is just as much of a battle as the binge eating is for me. 

The surgery changes our bodies, not our minds.  I have more to share, but I have to leave for work.  I will post again later.  I just wanted to reach out and send you a cyber hug and let you know I care and am here for you.

Hugs,
Trish

Thank you so much. It really does happen. I heard people say it wan't happen to me. Well you never really know. It is a day by day fight. I just had a cup of coffee and sitting here worring if I put on any weight from it. One side of me knows I got to or die. The other side tells me I am still fat don't eat or drink. I take depakote and geadon it suppose to help. I go to group meetings at my phych office and it is hard going ther. there is about 8 of us and they are all very overweight. And get mad when I say I gotta gain weight. Most people hate me. When I was fat everyone at my work loved me then when I lost and was the smallest one there I had not one friend. Needless to say I can't work anymore so I am home all day. I just sit here and worrie about food it is always on my mind. When I was married it was a bad marrage and I would use food to confort me that is how I got to be 276lbs. Then divorced. Thought gastric bypass would get me skinny and happy.  I was so very wrong. I have been told 3 times I was dying. And I don't want to leave my kids they are 22 and 17. Their dad has been gone for a long,long time with no contact with them. They are all I got and I am all they got. Sorry I wright so much. I just don't have anyone to talk to but on here.
Amy

Just a thought here....

Emergency rooms work wonders and will point you in the right direction to get help close to home.

You keep saying you don't want to die due to your children....What about you? What about your health? You don't eat, how are you supposed to get any vitamins or nutrients into your body?

Mind over matter....Seems nearly impossible, but it works. You have to eat, to stay alive. You have to eat, to keep all of your deficiencies under control.

Which is more important...My body and health or worrying about what others think about you in a group meeting?

Good luck-

OT - Check your e-mail Cutie!

The hospital here in my town wants me to go to a 30 day anorexic hospital far from home. I don't want to leave my kids that long. I wi**** was as easy as you make it sound. I know it is all a head thing. I still see me as fat. That is why I am seeing a phych so much. I don't love or matter to myself. We are working on trying to even just like me. I was raped at a young age and I feel nasty,no good, like it was my fault. It was my brother and I told my mom and she would tell me I was dreaming. I have lots of issues. I have been raped every night every since I can remember. My mom is dead now and I feel nothing for her for letting it happen. I know I got to love myself. I am really working on it. I have blacked out years of my life. I don't remember years and years of my life. Yes I am screwed up..........I really and truely wouldn't be here if it was not for my children. I have tried to over dose on pills 2 times. Been put in hand cuffs and took to the mental hospital. I do take my vitamins and b-12 shots. It has took me 3 years to realize that I do need to eat. The doctor told me that is the way I punish myself. (by not eating) some people cut themselfs,some drink alchol,some get on drugs to punish themselfs and to get through life. They told me I don't live I just survive. I promised my kids I will get up to 115 lbs. and I will. I do what I tell my kids I will do. I am tired of hurting and worring them. It is time I straghten my ass up and get back in the saddle. I know I will still have good days as well as bad days. I take it day by day. And I need to get rid of my scales....that is one main thing I really need to do.

Amy,

As horrible as a 30 day anorexic hospital may sound...Could it potentially be the better move for you and your children when it comes to all of yours futures?

As easy as I make it sound...I've dealt with addiction of my own as well as issues that most on here know...I got to the point of hitting rock bottom...literally. Got to the point of losing my self and my family or take care of my issues.....Which was more important to me? Get my crap together was my choice.

I did spend 30 days away from my friends and family and continued for an additional 6 months until I got things under control for myself and my family. I weighed out the pro's and con's. This was my life I was messin with. I hated being miserable and sick all of the time.

I wish you much luck and don't mean to sound harsh, only have well wishes for you and your family.

Keep us updated-
Liz

I understand your desire to not leave your children for 30 days to get treatment, but you must weigh the pros and cons of your situation.  If you do not get help, and start healing, and eating healthy, you will die and not be there for your kids at all. 

Your kids are grown now, and at the age where they need to start thinking about moving onto their adult lives as well.  I have three grown children, and they all live far away from me.  When I first got sober in 2001, it was for them.  They had moved away, but I did not want them to be able to say that Dad was right in leaving me.  Doing positive things because I think it is important for me is still a foreign concept.  But, I am sober now because I want to watch my granddaughter grow up and become a woman. 

It is really your choice, but your kids would be okay if you were to go get help for a month. 

I understand you're punishing yourself.  I used to cut myself terribly.  I also drank terribly back in the Spring.  My relapse was pretty ugly. 

hang in there.

Hugs,
Trish

I agree that leaving your kids for 30 days can be traumatic. However, you said that your kids are 17 and 22!! They are old enough to look after themselves now. This is something that you really do need to do for you. If you do not take care of yourself, you will NOT be around to see your own children grow, get married and have children of their own. Is that what you want??

It may sound harsh, but that is the reality of it. You either do what you have to to make yourself better, or you die. How would your kids feel about you leaving them forever?? Better 30 days, don't you think??

I am praying for you to come to terms with this. It is very hard to go through these types of things without family and/or friends. I really hope that you can get yourself into this program so that you can be a healthy grandmother for the future grandchildren!!  I'm sure that you don't want your kids to have to tell their children what happened to their grandmother if you continue on this path of self-destruction.

Sorry to be so harsh, but you need honesty, not someone to hold your hand and sugar coat things for you.  DO IT FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS!

Good luck to you,
Anita