depression, bulimia and addiction - oh my!

I've already posted a version in the general forum but thought I might get more responses here.

I was bulimic for many years - many years ago - and I'm afraid that I might relapse if/when I have WLS. 

I am an emotional/stress eating food addict and I'm afraid of switching to another substance.

I have suffered from depressions -mild to severe - since I was a teenager and I'm afraid of not being able to cope with myself or my emotions after surgery.

I don't know. Maybe it's good to have these fears - at least I'm aware that these potential pitfalls exist. It's just that the majority of my life has been one struggle, one more thing to overcome, after another. The reason I'm even thinking about WLS is to make my life better - not to make it worse!

And yet I can't go on much longer the way I am. I tired all the time, I'm socially isolated because I'm so ashamed of my body and, no surprise here, I'm somewhat depressed. Not only does my weight limit many aspects of my life but I'm allowing my shame regarding my weight to severely limit almost every other aspect of my life. I just turned 40 and I've been single for almost 8 years - I'd like to date again! Actually, I'd love to find a partner/husband and perhaps have another child - before it's too late. That reminds me of one of my biggest reasons to have WLS - so that I become healthy. I have a young son, almost 8 yrs. old, and I want to be an active, healthy granny with his kids!

Right now I'm leaning towards DS because there is less food restriction. As a bulimic, I practiced restriction until I'd snap and then binge.

Any thoughts or words of advice would be appreciated - especially regarding which surgery is best suited to somewhat depressed, food addicted, ex-bulimic.


Thanks,
Maradee

Hi Maradee,

I signed up just so that I could reply to you.

I had RNY over 5 yrs ago and have an "addictive" personality in general. I was also anorexic, then bulimic about 10 yrs prior to the surgery. Being aware of it was one thing, but after the surgery, about 2 yrs ago (3 yrs out), things started bothering me again. It was as if my *normal* life before the surgery was resuming.

I lost 135 lbs and kept it off  those 3 yrs, not a problem. Since then, I've gradually gained about 25 back. Everything seemed to coincide - the NEW drug addiction, wanting to eat more (at nite only - like the past), actually wanting to be eating disordered again... what the heck??

I still struggle. Drugs are done thank goodness, just don't do them from the dentist anymore! But I'm having a very difficult time with emotional eating again. I'll never give up trying to get back on track, and I'm not purging any longer... little by little.

So it's really hard to say what your outcome will be. Who knows? I was even past my ED by the time I had my surgery, so if you're still in the middle of it, you probably want to get more help first. I don't know enough about the lap band, but I would imagine ultimately, the mental stuff is all the same, ya know?

Good Luck Maradee! There IS help out there.
:)
~TT

Dear yogurtmama,

Thanks so much for joining just to respond to me. That means so much!

I haven't been bulimic for a good 10 years or so - though I still find 'comfort' in emotional eating.  I've learned by now that recovery from an eating disorder is an ongoing process. I may not be a practicing bulimic, but if I'm not careful, I find bulimic thinking creeping up on me. Though I am getting better at catching myself quicker.

I guess what I'm most interested in asking you is -
Do you find the extreme food restrictions of RNY difficult?
Do you think the food restrictions trigger any eating disorder behaviours or thinking?
If you answered yes to either - how do you cope?

I'd really appreciate it if you could find the time to answer these questions for me. Please send me a message if that's more comfortable.

Maradee

Hi Maradee!

I just wanted to share a bit about my own experience.  I did not have any issues iwth the RNY induced food restrictions.  I PHYSICALLY could (can) not eat more than I can eat, and I stopped.  Now, I can eat more at this point post surgery than early on, but same concept. 

What did happen to me however was that I had a very irritable pouch for some time.  If I ate too fast, didn't chew well, overdid it in the slightest, I'd vomit.    I found myself actually expecting that vomiting and sometimes inducing it if I felt uncomfortable after eating.  I'm not sure how much of that was psychological and how much was physiological.  I did eventually stop the vomiting and induction of vomiting after I got sober and stopped drinking alcoholically.  I think in some ways the behaviors were tied together.

Bulimic thinking... I was contemplating that phrase and for me, it's not a conscious thought that I recognize as bulimic thinking - it's more of a conditioned response that I don't een think about until it's become a part of my behavior and life patterns.

Anyhoooo I've done well with the RNY and I'm getting some of my psych issues sorted out slowly but surely.

Best of luck to you!
Michelle

Hi Maradee,
Have you done individual psychotherapy?  I have been in therapy since 1989.  I was also bulimic at one point in my eating disordered life, but mostly binge eating disorder has been my problem.  Prior to considering surgery, I did an outpatient eating disorder treatment program for three months, for the second time in my life.  It really helped me work on a lot of the emotional issues that I ate over.  It also taught me coping strategies to deal with the negative feelings I was eating over.

I continue to learn and practice coping strategies in therapy now.  And, I am also working on a great book, and a lot of people on the PA forum are chatting online once a week about it.  It is called "The Beck Diet Solution."  It uses cognitive therapy to address the thinking behind negative eating behaviors. 

My best suggestions would be to get into therapy, and work on the emotional stuff before and after surgery.  Also, work through the book and learn new thinking behaviors where food is concerned. 

As far as what surgery is best for you, I only know about RNY, because that is the one I had. 
Good luck.

Hugs,
Trish

Hi Trish

Thanks for the post.

Therapy?? Yep, I've done quite a variety - from individual counseling, to clinical groups, to cognitive behavioural therapy, to more spiritual-mother-earth type groups. But that book sounds useful.

Overall, I feel that my emotions are fairly normal - that I've worked out a lot of my stuff - except, obviously emotional overeating - lol. It's just that in my research I've come across a bunch of info regarding possible depressions for those who undergo WLS - because they can't 'eat' their emotions any longer. Also, I've read that some people,  post surgery, struggle with eating disordered behaviours - like being afraid to eat, purging etc.

I'm just afraid that the stress of such a huge life change (WLS) will push me back into my disordered (extreme) eating behaviours. I spent many years in therapy and worked really hard to get a handle on them. I guess it's just a big risk factor that is particular to me, to my situation. I was just looking for some reassurance from others experiencing something similar.  So, thanks for your input. It has helped me be a little less afraid of becoming a depressed, crazy eater again.

Cheers, Maradee

I HAVE NEVER POSTED HERE. I WAS LOOKING FOR A ANOREXIC BOARD. I AM 3 YEARS AND 2 MONTHS OUT OF GASTRIC BYPASS. I STARTED OUT AT 276 LBS. I TURNED TO FOOD TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER BEFORE GBS. THEN AFTER GBS EVERYTHING I ARE MADE ME FEEL SO SICK I JUST DIDN'T EAT. I WENT WEEKS AND MONTHS WITHOUT ANY FOOD. I ONLY DRANK COFFEE. I WAS IN AND OUT OF THE HOSPITAL EVERY 2 TO 3 MONTHS. THEN IF I DID OR COULD EAT I WAS SO SCARED I WOULD PUT ON WEIGHT I WOULD GO PUKE IT BACK UP. IT TOOK ME OVER 2 YEARS AND TONS AND TONS OF TEST TO ADMIT IT TO MYSELF AND MY DOCTOR THAT I WAS NOT EATING AND IF I DID I PUKED IT BACK UP. THE MORE WEIGHT FLEW OFF THE MORE I WOULD NOT EAT. I WANTED TO BE SKINNY SO BAD. I'M NOT MARRIED. WAS FOR 18 YEARS AND CHEATD ON ME. THEN MET A GUY WAS WITH HIM 5 YEARS AND CAUGHT HIM CHEATING. SO THAT IS WHEN I SAID THE HELL WITH THIS. SO I THOUGHT I WOULD GET SKINNY AND GET A RICH MAN TO TAKE CARE OF ME. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS WRONG IN MY LIFE. I GOT DOWN TO 88LBS. THE DOCTOR TOLD ME I WAS DYING. I COULD NOT LIVE LIKE THAT. IT WENT IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE OTHER. I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL 8 DAYS GETTING JARS OF FAT RAN INTO ME. I PUT MY 22 YEAR OLD SON AND MY 17  YEAR OLD DAUGHTER THROUGH PURE HELL....I TOOK AWAY THEIR LIFE TO LOOK AFTER ME. I HAD THE MOST WONDERFUL JOB IN THE WORLD AND NOW I CAN'T WORK. I DO GOOD TO EVEN WALK. AND I AM ONLY 44 YEARS OLD. IF I WOULD HAVE ONLY LISTENED TO MY DOCTOR I WOULD HAVE BEEN ALL GOOD. I WANTED IT SO FAST. NOW I LOOK LIKE A 100 YEAR OLD WOMAN. SO DARK UNDER MY EYES. I AM FIGHTING AND FIGHTING HARD TO PUT ON SOME WEIGHT. I AM 5 FOOT 2 INCHES AND MY WEIGHT STAYS BETWEEN 95-100 LBS. I PROMISED MY KIDS I WOULD GET UP TO 115 LBS. I GO TO THE PHYCH DOCTOR 2 TIMES A WEEK. I HAVE BEEN IN A ANOREXIC HOSPITAL 2 TIMES. I ATE THERE THEN CAME HOME AND STOPPED EATING. PLEASE GET ALL THE INFORMATION AND ALL THE SUPPORT YOU CAN GET. I HAVE NO SUPPORT GROUPS AROUND WHERE I LIVE. AND FOR GODS SAKE PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR DOCTOR. I DON'T EVEN WISH THIS ON ANYONE OR ANYTHING. IT IS A FIGHT IN MY HEAD 24/7. SHOULD I EAT TODAY? OR IT'S OH MY GOD I AM ALMOST 100 LBS. DON'T EAT. AND MOST OF THE TIME THE BAD SIDE WINS AND I DON'T EAT. I AM NOT TRYING TO SCARE ANYONE I WANT TO HELP THEM AND TELL THEM TO PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO WHAT THE DOCTOR TELLS YOU. DON'T END UP LIKE ME. I STILL HAVE NO MAN. NO JOB. LIVE IN A TRAILOR,HAVE NO CAR. BUT THANK GOD I AM STILL HERE AND I HAVE MY KIDS AND MY DOG. ANYTIME YOU WANT TO TALK PM ME. OR IF YOU GET SCARED PM ME. I AM HERE EVERY DAY. I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO DO. GOOD LUCK AND PLEASE TRY THAT IS ALL YOU CAN DO.
HAVE A BLESSED DAY
AMY

Hi Maradee, we seem to have an awful lot in common. I just wanted to suggest you coming over to the Ontario Forum too. I have not suffered from anorexia or bulimia, but many "issues" are similar in their outcome. I am hoping that you can find a way to work through this. Of course, since you have to have a psych evaluation before you have the surgery, it is really important that you come to terms with this.

Good luck,
Anita