Why am I crying?

I had therapy this afternoon, and made some progress in working on my "Daddy" issues with my therapist.  I struggle to allow myself to be vulnerable with my feelings in his office.  I can tell him the most horrific stories about drinking and sex, but I struggle to share my heart with him.  My guard is always up and I get silly and giggle and act hostile usually. 

Well, today, I really worked on opening up, and it was good.  Then, when I got home, I started writing to him, as I usually do this when I get home to process my session.  Well, right in the middle of my writing, I just started getting weepy, and I can't seem to stop.  I feel like I am losing my mind because of it. 

I just have to get to a meeting and share some of this crap.  On the way home, I wanted to act out, cut, eat, and drink.  But, I am not doing that.  I am feeling the feelings of being vulnerable. 

Hugs,
Trish

Hey girlfriend,

I am so proud of you for NOT acting out... you still rock!! :D  I woudl not be surprised if the weepiness was a result of opening up more to your therapist. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable...that's a HUGE change for you, right? I know you will find your way to a meeting! I have faith in you!

I'm having a struggle myself...the Red Sox really suck tonight, against the WORST team in the AL, my husband is visiting his son down South and might be hit by Hurricane Hannah, I am feeling the urge to buy something in a chic houndstooth check, but NOTHING (thank God) catches my eye lately.

My saving grace today was spending a lot of time at temple, praying, asking for guidance in how to handle the sitch with him and this trip in a way that won't damage things, and just get through another day (at a time!) without surpassing my credit limit. Sigh...How come some days seem so much easier than others??... :)

Hugs
Marie

Hi Marie,
Ironically, I almost cancelled my appointment because I was afraid I might have to drive in Hanna.  My therapist's office is an hour and a half from where I live, in New Jersey, near New York.  Thank God, Hanna arrived just as I was getting home. 

I have lost my appetite, and just feel like getting drunk tonight.  I won't though.  I don't want to give up the progress I have made so far.  All of this progress in therapy has been since my relapse in May, and getting sober in June.  My therapist and I agree that my acting out with the alcohol, sex, food and all that junk is to distract my therapy away from the vulnerable stuff. 

I am so scared right now, especially because I could easily go get a bottle of beer to numb out these feelings that are making me cry.  I just can't verbalize why I am crying. 

Don't shop tonight.  I did it for you.  I have a baby shower to go to in a few weeks for the son of a friend.  He and his twin brother were my son's best friends in high school.  His wife is pregnant, expecting their first child, a boy.  Well, he got his Bachelors and Masters from Penn State, so I went online and bought some Penn State baby stuff for the munchkin in the oven.  He was a wrestler while in college, and played football in high school.

Hang in there.

Huggles,
Trish

Ok chickie...I won't shop, and you won't drink! :) Have fun at the shower in a few weeks! I am seriously thinking of going to a class at temple tomorrow just to be where I feel "safe"...or at least, safer. I can lose myself there in the topics of conversation, enjoy some wonderful company and then stop and buy more beads before I food shop. (the only shopping I can allow myself lately. The wind is crazy here! Time for me to batten down the hatches before I turn in.

Hugs!
Marie