I am a full fledged bulimic

My life has been reduced to tatters in the past two years.  I had my DS in 2004.  I lost 156 pounds (on a good day).  My weight fluctuates by 10 pounds.  I throw up 9-12 times a month (I should say I exhibit the behavior pattern, because I have to purge again and again and again to get it all up).  I weigh 148 pounds.  My husband and I have decided that I must enter a treatment facility (a day program) to deal with the problem once and for all.  My assessment is on Wednesday.  I need support. 

My anxiety is so intense every day that I feel I can't catch my breath at times.  I don't know how to deal with my own problems anymore.  I have had 3 minor fender benders in 3 months.  I continuously have focus and concentration problems.  My libido does not exist.  The drugs they prescribed to help me get through this (Topamax and Prozac) seem to make me more depressed, not less.  My feelings about my own looks and my own body image are wholly out of touch with reality.  I hate my looks.  I feel fat and unlovable.  I don't think that anyone could ever love someone like me, even though my husband obviously does not feel that way.  My eating disorder has consumed every aspect of my life.

My husband is traveling in Europe on business for the next two weeks and I am home alone.  All I keep thinking about is my loneliness and how terrible I am feeling. 

I guess what I am asking for is some support from my OH family.  I know it is a lot to ask, considering the fact that I did this to myself and my problems are self inflicted in many ways, but I could really use bolstering from a loving community right now.

Your description of your feeling out of control, and hating yourself and your loneliness describes the way I felt for most of my life.  I ate, cut, drank, did drugs, anything to NOT FEEL THE FEELINGS.  At some points I threw up, but not for long periods of time. 

I first began therapy in 1989 for my binge eating disorer.  I then got sober in AA, but gained a ton of weight in the process.  Meds helped take the edge off my symptoms, but did not make them go away entirely.  Working the 12 steps of AA, and intensive outpatient treatment for my eating disorder (twice) made a big dent in my self-esteem and behavior.

See if you can learn some relaxation exercises and do them on a daily basis.  Prayer and meditation also help me immensely. 

Feel free to PM me if you wish.  I totally empathize with you.

Hugs,
Trish

Hi Mary,

I commend you for recognizing that you have an issue and are making attempts to address it. Entering a treatment facility probably seems scary and you are experiencing so many emotions right now. Everything you are describing here (to me) seems like you have reached rock bottom and you are drowning and addictions do consume every aspect of our lives.

Speaking from personal experience I do understand where you are coming from. I starting battling addiction after my now 3 year old was just over 4 months old. It started out innocently enough. I began taking sips of friends drinks while out dancing or to dinner and it went from sips to full drink, from mixed drinks to straight up liquor. In just a few short months my life starting spiraling out of control and I became a full fledged alcoholic.

I was so unhappy, so insecure, so scared and worst of all I almost lost my LIFE. You would THINK that would be enough for me to wake up and stop but it wasn't until several months later when I realized that I was making the biggest mistake. I saw what it was doing to myself, to my family and to those I believed were my friends at the time. Almost everything I came to know was overshadowed by my alcoholism. 

I finally put pen to paper and wrote my story for an online news magazine and I got so much more out of it than I bargined for. Mainly good things and I truly learned who my friends are and who has stuck BESIDE me not in front of or behind me throughout it all. I struggled with deciding whether or not I could just drink casually or not at all. There were times when I'd drink one drink maybe 2 and call it quits. But more often than not I would drink several drinks. 

I'm an "all or nothing" woman and I knew I'd have to quit for good (have nothing) if I wanted to have it "all" (family, friends, life). It would take another year plus, 2 more magazine articles published nationally and internationally, weeding my garden personally; ridding it of the bad influences and friends *****ally weren't and more before I'd stop drinking all together.

25th August 2007 was my last drink! I'm a year + sober now and I've been working HARD at getting my life back together again. I see things so differently now and am actively working to help others with their addiction struggles. I have absolutely NO regrets as everything I've been through have been lessons taught and learned and I've truly benefited from it all.

There IS hope and help and I pray that Wednesday the assessment is helpful in getting you on the right road to recovery. Know that you are not alone. Trish, myself and others are here for you. Please PM me if you'd like to talk more. In addition, if you would, please keep us posted on the assessment and your progress. Many thoughts & prayers coming your way....

All best!

Hi Mary,
Another Ds'er! Oh Sweetie......... how I can relate. I am not even quite 6 months out and throwing up several times a day. My life is out of control and there is no one in my world. I have no husband, no friends, and a distant family. I live alone.
No one knows.
I am not glad you have this problem... but glad you are getting help and glad you have reached out here.
Take care,
Jenn

 Please add me as a friend.  You've got one here!