I want to scream.............

Right now, I want to scream, and cry.  I absolutely want to scream and cry.  My thinking about the day is all goofy and screwy, and I just want to cry, which is an improvement from six weeks ago, when I had wanted to get drunk when I felt this way. Today was my granddaughter's first birthday party.  My daughter planned a lovely gathering, and it was supposed to be an outdoor party, but the weather did not cooperate, and it had to be moved to her dad's, my ex's.  I had only been in his house for the first time on Tuesday.  Did I mention I feel inadequate, inferior, and not good enough before?  Hello, can we say nice house, big TVs, beautiful furniture, and then there was the wine, which my son had plenty of.  Oh, and to add to the fun in my scrambled brain, they had a bottle of my Sutter Home White Zinfandel, which I was drinking by the gallon during my relapse.  I can handle seeing people drink merlot, or any of the reds or white, because I am not crazy about them.  I can handle seeing people drink mixed drinks, but beers or blushes, I just can't handle.  Those are my drinks of choice, and I have squirrels running around in my cage from it. Add to all this rodent play, I started communicating with some guys on Craigslist this week.  I thought I hit it off with a guy who shares my religious beliefs and seemed really nice, but today out of nowhere, I got a really weird e-mail from him.  He had lashed out at me because I had supposedly not replied to his last e-mail to me on Thursday, which I had.  Now, I worked all day Friday, came home with a headache, laid down, and then went out for the evening to my sister-in-law's, then to a grocery store late last night.  I got this crazy e-mail this morning.  In it, he accused me of playing head games, and thinking I am better than him.   Am I crazy, or do I just attract the creeps and psychos of the world?  Then, I get into the "Poor me's."  I start thinking that I will never find a decent, normal guy who is not weirded out, or a control freak, and that I am destined to a life of solitary loneliness and singleness.   So, as I said, I just want to scream and cry.  The irony is, my sister was here tonight, and we played Scrabble with Mom.  Mom was winning the whole game, but she whined and complained about her letters the whole game.  I teased her and kept saying, "Would you like a little cheese with that whine."  OR  "I tell my granddaughter, 'There's no whining at grandma's house,' and that applies to you too."  She retorted, "you whined and cried throughout your whole childhood, you were the queen of whining"  Just because my parents let me get away with whining does not mean I have to enable my granddaughter in the same inappropriate behaviors.   I have to get to bed.  I have to get up for work tomorrow. Hugs, trish

Don't you just **LOVE** those people places and things we cannot change? Sometimes I sit around thinking, "is it *ME*??  It must be me!"  But - some people places and things are just effed up - end of story.  I like the broken appliance analogy.  When the microwave breaks, I don't get angry or frustrated with it - it's a broken appliance - not useful to me.  I can let it go. It's hard for me to look at other people in that fashion though. You did great - you didn't drink over this annoying junk. I'm struggling also this morning with people not going along with my program.   The oldest sneaks in the house to sleep thinking he's just entitled, even though I've made it clear he's not. My ex and his mother are totally against my tough love approach - of course they are - a family of trainwrecks is not going to support me in trying to avert the collisions in my own household. I'm just sitting here thinking to myself, "what do I have control over improving in the next hour?  Well just some laundry and maybe cleaning the kitchen (which my 13 year old promised to do last night when he decided to cook stuff at 11 pm - but of COURSE he did not). Do these things have to be resolved today?  Nah - but boy I wish they would be. Big hugs your way, Michelle

Thanks Michelle, I have to focus on what I can control in the next hour these days.  I did get to talk to my sponsor later Saturday evening.  I also made an AA meeting on Sunday and shared about it. Have a great week. Hugs, Trish

Patricia,  I am so sorry you are going through this.  Do you have someone at a church or other support groups you can call?  I hate to see you go through this alone.  We ALL have our demons and addictions.  WIthout support, none of us could overcome anything.  Recently, someone told me if I can't not eat at a party, don't go.  And, then they said, in fact, if you don't want to do something, don't.  This was monumental to me.  I had never had anyone give me permission to disappoint anyone before.  But, I'm giving you permission now.  You don't have to answer to that guy from craig's list, your ex, your daughter, mom, or son.  NONE of them.  You only have to answer to God.  Does your family know that you are still struggling?  If not, I would clarify that quickly as maybe they will be more considerate when you are around.  If they cannot respect that you are recovering, than maybe you should decline the next invitation.  And, under NO cir****tances are you required to go to your ex's house.  Just say NO!  Have another small party at your place for your granddaughter.  And, BTW, big tv's and expensive things don't make people any better than anyone else.  I know we all struggle with that materialistic influence of our country.  But, you have to heal yourself.  Take solace with your faith!  My blessings and prayers are with you.  Also, I just complete here on OH, 'Who am I', redifining yourself after bariatric surgery.  I'm only a month out, but I found it so helpful in helping me visual myself and things I like and dislike.  Good luck to you!

Thanks for the support.  I did talk to my sponsor on Saturday night.  I also shared at my AA meeting.  My family is not aware of my recent relapse, and they will not know about it, if I have anything to say about it.  Also, I would not have missed this special birthday party for all the tea in China.  It was moved to my ex's at the last minute due to the weather, and I had already anticipated that and talked to my therapist about it.  My therapist expects me to deal with these things appropriately, and to attend things with my ex and kids there, and be mature and responsible, and not act out or relapse over them.  He expects me to work my program and go to my meetings and talk to my sponsor and self-soothe and grow up.  So, I did that.  I don't have to like it, I just have to do it.  The good news is, I survived. As for the guy on Craigslist, I heard from him again, and now I am not so sure about him.  I have to pray about this one and talk to my therapist. Thanks again. trish

Trish,  Let me tell you that this coming Saturday, I am getting married to the man of my dreams.We met online, on a site dedicated to casual flings, because we were both at a point where we figured we would never meet "the right one".Now, four years later- here we stand.  I truly feel there is a plan for us, and when the time is right, you will find Mr. Right, and trust me, it will most likely be completely unexpected.It sure was for me.  Don't sweat the small stuff.The internet is full of weirdo's.