New to this board...LONG!!!!!

Good morning.  I am new to this board even though I have been a lurker for awhile.  I had bypass surgery in November of 2003.  I did really well after the surgery and lost 120 pounds in the first 9 months.  I got pregnant with my second child 10 months out and had a pretty good pregnancy.  I have always been a "drinker" but I really only ever drank heavily in college.  After my second child I really started to drink heavily to where my husband and friends voiced their concerns so much so that my husband told me that I needed to stop drinking.  So I started hiding it and drinking when he was at work or late at night.  This went on for quite awhile and eventually he knew that I was drinking again.  I tried the whole"It will be different this time.  I will control it better."  We all know where that leads.  In February my husband was at his wits end when he came home late and I was passed out on our living room floor.  My youngest child was in bed but I was out cold.  I was threatened and went into a intensive outpatient program in Columbus.  I did that for about 4 weeks and had pretty much everyone fooled into thinking that I was "cured".  So I continued to drink and my husband eventually found out.  Again threatened with going into inpatient this time if it happened again.  Of course it did and I panicked before he came home from work and took my two small children, packed up our car and checked into a local hotel and continued to drink in front of my children.  I broke a beer bottle cutting my youngest's leg.  My husband found us about the time that he cut his leg(he went on our online banking and found where they had swiped our debit card) and took him to the hospital to get stitches and had my parents pick me and my oldest up and take us back to their home.  That night I was faced with an intervention and the next day checked myself into inpatient treatment.  I was there for 1 1/2 weeks and did day treatment for another 2 1/2 weeks.  I went to meetings and found a temporary sponsor but did not work the program.  I got an attitude because I still felt that I was being "controlled" by my husband (I was not allowed any money or access to any of our accounts even though I make 1/2 our combined income)  and my mother, who has always controlled my life and has even started on my children's.  I kid you not she will call me 50 times a day to ask where I am, what I am doing, what I am eating etc.  She even came up to me at my sister's wedding a few weeks ago took my glass of water out of my hand and in front of everyone asked me what I was drinking, took a sip and said that it had better not be alcohol!  She has pretty much told everyone in our Church, which I have gone to for several years and was married in.  I voiced my disapproval to her regarding this because I felt that was unnecessary. While I am not ahamed to be an alcoholic I just don't feel the need to go out and tell the whole wide world.  She has even tried to set up meetings with Deacons in our Church to "talk" with me.  I found this to be embarrassing and humilating.  I felt that she did this to save face for herself.  She has always been embarrassed with the amount of weight I gained in college, what I looked like, whom I dated, what I have said... Again I think it was just her way of saying "My daughter in an alcoholic so now you know what is wrong with her and the way she has acted and what she looks like".  I know that I have embarrassed her and my entire family but damnit I don't feel I have deserved this.  While I was in inpatient I had the most awesome counselor and I know that she was truly a gift from God.  She gave me the tools necessary to overcome thishorrible disease and I started to gain back some self esteem.  I continued to try and have a normal relationship with my mother and try and work on my marraige with my husband.   This past weekend I drank again...  This time my mother threatened that if it EVER happens again she will help my husband divorce me and they will raise my children and I will have to go and live with other alcoholics.  Humiliated once again I have been to a meeting every single day, found a new sponsor (one that kick my ass when I need it), called my counselor and met with her and really feel that I am back on track and that was truly the last drink for me.  I am just exhausted...I don't want that lifestyle anymore.  So I guess I am introducing myself to you all, asking advice and really just seeking some support.  Thank you for listening to me ramble on and on... Jaden

Welcome Jaden!! Sounds like you have the right sponsor and counsellor this time!! Good for you!! STICK WITH THE PROGRAM...:)  IT WORKS!!  Every day you're sober is one more day to congratulate yourself. Be PROUD of each day that you accomplish this!  Drinking costs us. The price is WAY too high if you ask me. I nearly lost my husband and our only child...not to mention my life. When you make the choice to live sober, it can be a challenge as you've already found out. I didn't accept invitations for dinner, family gatherings or even pizza w/friends for TWO YEARS until I had a solid handle on NOT being tempted to drink. You CAN do this! :) Remember what's important here. You!  Your health, your wellness, your sobriety so you can function!  So you can be there with and for your husband and kids!  Ok...I'll get off teh soap box now. I get real passionate about sobriety...I hope this wasn't too over the top!! :) Hugs and welcome....keep posting!! Marie

Thanks, Marieh! I want nothing more to be sober for myself, my husband and children.  I am willing to fight the fight! Thank you again for your post!

Jaden-

Hi, welcome.

The voice of reason and Reality here. Great job on the meetings and new sponsor.

Please understand this process is very humbling(mom telling church, and threatening divorce with your husband), GUESS WHAT?? Suck it up! We did alot of damage in our addiction. I'm damn lucky my husband didn't divorce my ass for my antics. Lying, stealing, sneaking....Why would I expect my family to coddle me and tell me it's ok. I'm still getting jabs from family and friends due to the bull**** I did and said in my active addiction.

You have to show your family you are changing, not prove them right by drinking again. You have 2 Children that need a mother.

There is nothing anyone on this forum can say to convince you to stop drinking. I will pray for you and hope that I see you posting on here more often keeping us updated.

Liz

Liz, Thanks for your reply and your honesty!  I reread my post and realize how selfish I sound.  I am truly thankful that I didn't seriously injure anyone during one of my drunks.  I know that I have not been a good wife, mother , daughter, sister, friend these last few years.  The alcohol has been my everything.  I have ALOT of work to do and alot of things to prove to everyone including myself... Again thanks for your input and I admit that I sounded very childish and selfish!   Jaden