I'm Back

My students have been asking me if they can help me today, and I look at them, laugh, and say, "You're not a psychiatrist yet and I need my head examined."  They know I am joking and that I am a goofy lady.  Little do they know, I am wishing I could talk to my therapist this week. I just came out of a gut-wrenching relapse, and when I say gut-wrenching, I mean that literally.  I saw my gastroenterologist today and must have an endoscopy to see if I have an ulcer.  I had bad stomach pain prior to my relapse, and I think the large bottles of wine I was consuming each evening exacerbated whatever was cooking in my already poor pouch. I was a perfect candidate for relapse.  I had a bad attitude, had not been to meetings in over a week, my therapist was leaving the country for a week, and I got news that I am up for disciplinary action that I thought had been resolved and may be suspended for three days. What upsets me the most was that during my relapse, I was put on steroids for my allergies, which made it difficult for me to get really drunk.  The steroids acted like speed to me.  So, instead of passing out and being comatose, which was my goal, I was alert and aware of life, which p***ed me off.  A perfectly good bottle of wine shot to Hell.  (Am I an alcoholic or what?) Thank God for the moment of sanity over the weekend.  It came while reading a new person's post about her friend dying because of alcoholism.  I do not want that kind of legacy for my children or grandchild.  They are not aware of my relapses.  I pray they never learn.  My worst fear would be them learning from the coroner. I tried to go to an AA meeting on Monday evening, but could not locate the meeting at the church it was supposed to be at.  I at least made the attempt.  Better luck next week.  I did make my 6:00 a.m. meeting this morning. Now for my next challenge.  My sponsor brought up that she is not always available, and may be going back to school.  I had been wondering whether I should look for a new sponsor.  I like this one because we have a lot in common.  Finding a new sponsor scares the snot out of me.  I fear getting a Nazi-sponsor, and I fear getting someone I can walk all over.   Then there is my abandonment stuff that always comes up, and I have enough of that going on already.  I am already upset that I called my psychiatrist over the weekend, during my relapse, and left him a message about my relapse and my therapist being away, and he never called me back.  He is probably letting me stew because I also mentioned that I had not been compliant with my meds, which help me not drink, prior to my relapse.   Oh my gosh, I have babbled forever.  If you read all this, you must really love me.   I am going to be away for a good reason this weekend.  My nephew is in the Pennsylvania Special Olympics State competition being held at Penn State University this weekend, and we are all going to see him compete.  It is supposed to be great weather, and Penn State is a beautiful location.  They call it Happy Valley. Have a great weekend. Hugs, Trish

hi.  i haven't posted much here, but i read alot.  i wanted to let you know that i was thinking about you.  time to pull up the bootstraps again... i've only been able to string together a couple weeks at a time so far...but what i have definately been working on is owning my problem and trying...TRYING...not to let outside influences like my dh or job "make" me drink. i guess it's like what i was once told going through my first divorce (don't get me started)...you can't MAKE someone happy or unhappy...it's a choice they make on their own.  so i've been trying hard to make choices for myself that don't include my location being a slippery one and my mood not dictated by someone else. longwinded, but thought i'd let you know that someone can relate...i'm on the upside of things today...not always the case!

of course I really love YOU. I'm soo glad that you were able to hear someone's story on here.. and was able to take from it a message that connected with you inorder to stop drinking.  That's what makes telling our stories all worthwhile.. the hopes that it may help someone else.  And rather you know it or not.. your story helps me.. and many many others. SO.. glad you are back.. and please hon.. keep coming back.  YOU are always missed when I don't see you

Trish, I'm so glad you're doing ok!! Best of luck to your nephew on his olympic journey this weekend! Love you girl! Take care!! Hugs, Marie