Close Call/Narrow Escape

Yesterday was the scariest since coming back into recovery.  I almost drank.  I WANTED to drink.  I was restless, irritable and discontent and had made myself stark raving crazy.  I am so grateful for the program of AA.  It saved my butt yesterday.  I called a couple of group members and told them where I was at.  They reminded me how I felt after my relapse when I picked up my white chip.  They showed me love and understanding.  I prayed.  LOTS.  I was practically chanting the serenity prayer all day.  I went for a 10 mile bike ride to take care of my body and release endorphins.  I talked to my sponsor at length about what was eating at me to make me want to drink. I attended a meeting (got there very late but got there), and I attended an AA get-together after the meeting.  I DIDN'T drink!  The tools **work**.  I'm so grateful for this program - without it, I'd be hungover and guilt stricken today.  I don't want to live like that.

I won't lie however I was so miserable I was literally screaming at my higher power - which is kind of funy if you know anything about my sense of spirituality.  In a way I was hollering at the universe - at all of YOU - at everything light and love and good.  Kind of funny when I look at it now.

But I did not drink.  And boy oh boy did I want to drink.

This week has been hell.  If I *had* picked up a drink, I'd have just been drinking over people.  On Monday, I had to ask my 17 y/o to leave my home.  Tough love sux.  This has been the hardest thing I've ever done - it feels like the worlds worst breakup + my divorce + somebody dying all rolled up into one.  I had to let go.  It's the right thing but it's damn near killing me.

Then there's the dude - and yeah maybe one day i'll learn to break up wih somebody and LEAVE it broken up.  But we know I don't do that so well.  Well he's still in and out of the program, and over the last few days I've grown so resentful of him that the situation really really compounded my desire to drink.  That is the next tough love step but I'm taking it easy and not waiting for a blowout - working on that.

My eating disordered behaviors reared their ugly head this week too. Since I had no control over anything else, I guess I decided I'd control food.  yesterday was the first time I've eaten more than a few bites all week - but i only ate once yesterday.  progress right?  HALT right?  I purposely made myself hungry .  What the heck is THAT about?

So the refusing to let go and let God, the refusing to surrender - that is crazy making for me.  And it nearly drove me back out. 

I'm so grateful for the program of AA, because due to the program, I can SEEE what is going on even if I'm nutso in the middle of it.  And I have tools.

I just wanted to share all this and let you guys know if MY crazy behind can stay sober another 24 hours, anybody can - IF they work it ;-)

Love and Light,
Michelle

awwee Michelle... I'm sorry it's so tuff on you lately.. but so glad you are DOING IT.   Glad that God gave you wisdom yesterday.. and pray that he gives you wisdom today too since you believe in Universe and all that's good and light.. I was wondering if you have read The Secret??   I bought a copy of it online(ebay) and started reading it.. I must be honest and say I only try and read it when I go to bed.. and I seem to have read the same paragraphs over and over  BUT.. I have found it very interesting.. and believe it to be true what it's saying so far about positive attraction and stuff.. what we think is what we create.   I use to always say.. life is hard.  And I believe that THAT is what it was returning back to me.. I think from reading A Day At A Time.. and so far of The Secret.. I am finding life to be easy.  And even said that in one of Ramon's Grateful posts.  After I said that.. I read in The Secret.. life is easy .. so now I'm putting into practice.. Positive Thoughts.. always conscious of them in the beginnings.. but I do believe it will come second nature once I'm trained.  Plus I'm only like on the third chapter.. so still much to read and learn. You hang in there.. I am soo PROUD of you.. and you should be also.  Life is easy when working The Program love and light..

i've been lurking for a while.  but i wanted to tell you what a great job you did not drinking.  unfortunately, i can't say the same.  i think i need to get to more f2f meetings.  i' ve been going to outpatient...but it's not enough. just wanted to let you know that you inspired me today.  thanks. p.s. my signature says i just joined, but i had wls in 02

Hey Michelle!!  I'm so glad you made it through it!!  YOU ROCK!!! :) I'm sorry you're having a rough time, but boy, are you doing a fine job managing all the things thrown at you!! You're an inspiriation!! Hugs, Marie

Hey Sweetie, I can relate to the wanting to drink part big time.  I have not worked my program as well as you, though.  Keep up the good work. Back in 2002, I was going through the stuff with my son, and in early sobriety no less.  It sucked, and I hated everything about it.  I cried more tears and yelled more at God and my son than ever before.   Keep working it.  You inspired me tonight. Hugs, Trish