help?

Hi.  I've created a new id here just to solicit help; knowing there are work and real life friends watching my WLS progress here. I've posted before but it was a random thought.  I've just returned from a business trip; where nothing happened to set me off; yet I feel out of control. I like to drink.  Heck, alot of us do.  BUT when I start, its like I can't stop. If I have a couple after work, it turns into drinking till I go to bed.  If I start and have a few at the airport, I somehow get my 1st class upgrade and continue; or the flight gets delayed. Returning home, son was at grandmas and I went to a local bar for about 2 hrs then home.  A place my husband and I go all the time, I know everyone so its not like I was going to a bar alone, but at the same time, why? I've been thinking "do I have a problem" and I know that thinking it probably means so... but I don't 'need' it... I rarely 'want' it (maybe after a rough day at work or even a particularly good day to celebrate... .or Friday... guess there are alot of OR's in there. ;) )..... Especially after WLS it doe**** me differently.  There are times I don't recall the end of hte evening, 'll remember getting home but not dragging my suitcase in (Friday night) or I'll remember getting home but not eating (when I find a mess in the kitchen the next day).... that never happened before WLS. I'd always remember. I do come from a family of addicts, you name it.... so being an educated woman, I feel i can see myself from the outside looking and and recognize something may be wrong; but how wrong is it?   I attend a christian university working on my MBA; I've been doing other readings and really find solice in the bible. Is it possible to be an alcoholic in this situation?  Is it safe to have a cookout at home and have a few drinks? (normally at home I'm busy cooking, cleaning, etc I dn't get tore up).... this summer at the lake, so I grab my water when everyone else is having their nice cold beer? I lurk here all the time and I know what I'm going to hear from ya'll......I want to fix this on my own before it does become a seriousproblem.  I don't want to let my family and friends down; I want to have some 'normal' appearance with all of this. With the level of what you see here, can I Help myself?

my personal opinion...  there may be an "ism" here ..  especially with the binge drinking.. starting and can't stop.. and the progression of blackouts.    but it's up to YOU to diagnosis yourself.. and if you believe you are, do you beleive that you are powerless over alcohol ?  You will have to come to that conclusion before you are able to "help yourself".  You have to know in your head that it's not just managing your drinking.. ie: beer and no wine or vodkie..  weekends instead of during the week..  I'll start at 7 and stop at 10.. (which never work.. we always tend to progress further).  YOU have to learn for yourself that all those little tricks don't work for YOU.   If you have the "ism" (and please know that there is no stereo-typing who gets this disease.. yes priests.. nuns.. doctors.. lawyers.. every race.. bible school teacher.. engineer.. etc.. can get it) but.. if you have alcoholism and come to realize that you are powerless..  then YES, you can help yourself. It may mean you have to go to any lengths to stay sober.. for you it may mean just knowing it and choosing to never drink again.. or it may mean weekly.. daily.. monthly meetings.. or rehab.. or .. ?? who knows..   Are you able to NOT drink now..??  if yes, why not just stop and save all these questions??  If no, what will it take?? Only you can answer these questions.. BUT, we are here to support YOU in any way we canBTW.. welcome to the Board !!

 

Hi Rhonda,  I appreciate your post..... I guess I'm doing that whole looking glass thing... am I, aren't I and what are the implications of if I am?  It's funny (not in a haha kind of way) but the powerless is a odd thing, 95% of the time No, I'm not powerless; that 5% when I've had a few drinks, yes it comes on quick and hard. maybe just getting all this out will help me get where I need to go.....  I've had my ups and downs; now it's maybe 1-2x a month; always weekends when I don' thave anything planned the next day, so it really isn't interfering with 'life' except my conscience. :)   I'm very easily able to pass it up; which I think I'm gonna try a little more.  I've cut WAY back over the last couple of years with WLS and all that (I'm 14 months out now from surgery) and feel SO much better than I ever have, guess I just need to pull my big girl panties up and give completely stopping a try. Appreciate the info.  thanks!!

I dealt with a lot of the same questions and denials that you are struggling with 19 years ago, and have learned that it is a one day at a time thing.  I choose to stay sober, and I choose to work my program TODAY, one day at a time.  I choose to go to AA for my sobriety, as that is how I stay sober.   I am an intelligent, professional, educated woman with a part time career in mental health.  Yet, I have had relapses in this disease of alcoholism, because I forget to take care of my recovery program and lose sight of my priorities.  I have to put my sobriety first ahead of numbing my brain. I would encourage you to attend a few AA meetings to see if you relate to anything anyone shares about their drinking behavior and feelings.  You may be surprised by what you learn about yourself at the meetings. Hugs, Trish

I too am an educated professional woman.  I'm not great with advice, but I can share how it is/was with me.

I come from a family of alcoholics as well.  Both parents are very different types of alcoholics.  My mother was a serious late stage alcoholic and basically left around the time I was 9 yrs old.  My father is what I call a functioning alcoholic, who admits he cannot control his drinking, but is very responsible and successful, and does not wish to stop.  His only "consequence" from drinking was him passing out in his truck on the railroad tracks and getting hit by a train.  Yes, you heard that correctly - a train.  He nearly died - was in hospitals for over a year etc.  BTW - yes he still drinks.

I then married an alcoholic who had about 4 duis and numerous other arrests.  I divorced him in 1997.

Up until my divorce, I did not care for drinking.  In my teens, I was a party girl, but hallucinogenics and marijuana was always my drug of choice.  I'd drink if it was around, but I never had a problem with drinking.  During my marriage, drinking disgusted me - for obvious reasons.

Flash forward to my WLS.  I was dropping weight, I was cute, I was vital.  It was summer.  Ahh the club scene - what a great time!  Well it wasn't long before I realized that I'd get blitzed off 2-3 drinks.  Cheap date right?  The problem with this is that EVERY time I drank, I was drinking beyond my tolerance, because I had none.  It is scientifically proven, that we all have an "invisible line" (some are higher than others due to mitigating factors) we cross into addiction/alcoholism.  The more one drinks beyond her tolerance, the closer she gets to crossing that line.  Well I crossed mine.  I began drinking every day.  I refused to eat at night (ruined my buzz), lost way too much weight and developed 3 stomach ulcers.  I got a dui and caused a 6 vehicle accident in July of 06, and really started to open my eyes to the fact I was totally out of control. I began going to AA out of sheer desperation.  I was worried about myself.  I was completely disgusted with my behavior and that I'd become just like those people in my life against whom I'd had so many resentments.  AA gave me back my life.  Stopping drinking was easy for me thank God.  LIVING with the squirrels in my head has been the challenge.  AA really helps me wiht that part of life.  I consider myself blessed to have gotten so sick of myself that I chose to go to a meeting. Belive it or not, it was extremely liberating to admit I was powerless over alcohol.  I will confess however, that alcoholism is very cunning - I still had some crazy notion that I was cured after 14 months of sobriety and I could drink again like normies - it took about 4 months to realize I was right back where I was when I got sober before.  I've been re-dedicated to my sobriety every since. Nobody can tell another person if she is an alcoholic or not.  There is however, such a thing as drinking alcoholically, and it involves the following: drinking more than I planned trying to control my drinking by timing, amount, beverage choice, environment etc blackouts arranging situations where i could drink inability to stop at 1-2 drinks You know yourself best.  I applaud you for the introspection.  I know how frightening that can be.  An AA old timer once said to me, "not sure if you're alcoholic - here - go try some controlled drinking for a while and let me know how that goes for you".   If you don't feel like you need AA yet, you can always call the general AA number and talk to somebody.  They're helpful with questions! May the universe give you the information you need on your journey. Love and light, Michelle