Another slip...?!

I've been contacted by Stan again and have talked with him for the past week. I'm not sure if it's because subconsciously I want to seduce him back so I can drop his ass flat for hurting me, OR if dominance is a natural part of me. I've figured out what fueled it for the past 15 odd years. Once I do that, I can walk away from the "addiction". GAve away all my toys, etc. So NOW, what's fueling my desire to inflict pain on Stan? My shrink suggested I just sit in stillness and listen to what I have to say INSIDE. Sitting still, RELAXING is an alien concept for me. That will take some real work! :)  I WANT to see him again...but I'm also fairly sure this is going to hurt ME in the long run because as I'm reminded by many friends, he's not worthy of me, I need to work on my marriage more than a D/s relationship, and I have too many things going on and going wrong in my life. He's not the right distraction for me. So what have I done?  I've SHOPPED LIKE A BLASTED FIEND!!  So not good! I need to do what my shrink says, but I WANT to "have that damn drink and can't understand why I shouldn't"....all over again. I msut've put over $500 on my charge in just the past 4 weeks. Time to dig myself out of THAT sinkhole again too.  Help? Marie

sorry you are going thru this..  I guess just talking to Stan is a big trigger for YOU.  I've read/heard before that we should put as much time that we would have into our addiction into our HigherPower.  I would recommend doing as your shrink said.. and then have a good conversation with your HigherPower..  give *Him* as much time as you do or (want to give) Stan. here's a reading from A Day At A Time.. thought it might help.. some! "Change is the characteristic of all growth.  From drinking to sobriety, from dishonesty to honesty, from conflict to serenity, from childish dependence to adult responsibility - all this and infinitely more represent change for the better.  Only God is unchanging; only He has all the truth there is.  DO I ACCEPT THE BELIEF THAT LACK OF POWER WAS MY DILEMMA?  HAVE I FOUND A POWER BY WHICH I CAN LIVE - A POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF? Today I Pray I pray that The Program will be, for me, an outline for change - for changing *me*.  These days of transition from active addiction to sobriety, from powerlessness to power through God, may be rocky, as change can be.  May my restlessness be stilled by the unchanging nature of God, in whom I place my trust.  Only He is whole and perfect and predictable. Today I Will Remember I can count on my Higher Power.

Thanks Rhonda!   I'm under mega-stress in my life right now and that triggers my need for stan and what USED to be. Not that that worked as a stress buster...just added more in the long run. Thank you for the words! They ring true, for sure! :) it helped!! Marie

Stress is a huge trigger for me.  Since my accident I have wanted to drink, cut and see Frank for some wild sex.  I understand your temptation.  Contact is a gateway to using for me.   When I was in Michigan, I stood in front of a wine I love for a few minutes just gazing at it.  You see, in PA, we don't have alcohol in the grocery stores, you have to go to a special store for it.  But, in MIchigan, it was right there in the grocery store, tempting me.  Thank God I live here.   So, just do your therapy homework, and grow from it.  You will be glad you did. Hugs, Trish

Stupid question but.... How did / do you handle the relationship with Stan whlle still being in your married relationship?  I would think that alone would be difficult and stressful which would probably negate any short term pleasures. But who am I to talk...that is alcohol addiction in a nutshell. Best of Luck, T

Hi T, It WAS more stressful...and it fueled more beatings for stan which was what he ultimately wanted.  It fed my addicdtion....(I transfered from alcohol to Dominance, etc. )  So far, hes' history, I've blocked all his emails and PM's and don't plan on letting him back in OR looking for another play partner. With the help of a shrink I found out WHY I got into S/m in the first place and who I was really "punishing". (no, not myself) LOL...Now that I see the play for what it is, I don't need it, and the stress was seen as the huge trigger it is for me.  Life is what we make of it. Lots of things I'm worried about right now I have no control over....so I'm giving it up to G-d where it belongs. :) Hugs, Marie