Suffering

Just need to say some things out loud...... I drink almost daily. I black out, get sick, have hangovers all the time. I am seven years out of surgery and sometimes I wish I was 300lbs again without a drinking problem. Everyday I say I am not going to drink today and by night time I am at the store. I had been attending AA but never approached anyone for help or to talk. I hate the way I look, dark circles and bloodshot eyes. I am so angry at myself. I am ashamed & discusted.  I don't even like the taste of alcohol. My WLS program has a shrink to talk to and yet I don't make an appointment.  It's like the only way I know how to "take care" of myself is to drink. I am a very negative person and very self destructive.  That's all I have to say for now.

Welcome to the board

Been there, done that! So have the people at your AA meetings. Don't be afraid to reach out for help................

Piper I was the EXACT same way.  I had my surgery in Dec 2004, started drinking heavy around a year later.  Went to detox and outpatient therapy in Oct 2006.  I stayed sober till aprox June, then started drinking heavily again.  I realized finally, that all the reasons everyone was telling me to stop, was not the reason that would make me stop.  I even had my girls taken from me, and I still didn't stop.  It was only then did I realize, I need to do this for me.  I am now 45 days sober today.  I am very proud of myself.  I still have the same issues, working with a counselor, but I have found reading self help books, and listening to AA related podcasts in my car have also helped.  I finally got a sponsor this time, attending meetings, and volunteered for my 1st service position in Aug this year.  But...  my issues which caused me to abuse alcohol and food are not gone.  Unfortunatley, I met the most wonderful man in my whole life, as when I was overweight, I think I got the undesirable leftovers.  This man treated me so good, but my crazy heavy self insecrurities got in the way.  He finally said he couldn't  take my attiude any longer.  When your fat, you blame that as an excuse why someone doesn't want or love you.  What do I blame this on... I am freaking 120 lbs.  I think I am a nice sincere person, but I guess I need to stay away from men, work my program, and work on myself.  So when you say you have bloodshot eyes and black circles, I thought you might have been looking in my mirror.  Even when I am thin, something related to my fattness (self esteem) causes me to loose a really good man.  I did not eat, go to work, or sleep for 3 days.  I woke up one day and told myself the pity party is over.  I still love the guy, but I have to love myself first before I can love him fully.  I am not sure If I honestly even want him back.  Not something I even need to bother myself with.  Don't be ashamed of your disease.  Think of it like someone who has diabetes or high blood pressure which needs medical treatment and maintenance. Get yourself to a doctor, perhaps the dr may suggest antidepressents, or a stay in detox.  But just like me... you will not do it until YOU are ready, so you need to be ready to committ yourself.  I know you can do it, you know why... because I did it, and you described yourself as if you were describing me.  One thing that I have noticed on that new tv program on, nevermind, I forget the channel.  But the counselor really helps the patients deal with their addiction with food, as she said if its not delt with, we can abuse other things.  I did not drink heavly before my gastric bypass surgery.  They say its very addictive after the surgery though.  Anyway, I wish you luck, please keep in touch. Dorothy   - [email protected]

 

Thanks for your very thoughtful post. It always helps when you realize just how many people have or are stuggling with alcoholism. I came from a family full of addicts. Before surgery I had not had a drink in 12 years. But of course replaced it with food in hind sight. I was as miserable being 300lbs then as I am now with booze. waking up everyday with self hatred and shame. with booze I can hide a bit better than when I was fatter and it was obvious to the world that I was gorging daily. At the moment a business I have had since 2001 is going out of business. This is a very hard thing for me but I know its the right thing to do now. Losing money daily, very stressful. Its amazing to me how well I can function feeling the way I do which is completely polluted. I have been in rehab before and I probably will not go thru that again. I found it humiliating and I was sober for 5 weeks, had one slip and then a few months more sobriety after that. I know I can do this, its a matter of when I am fully ready, you are so right about that.  thanks for the support everyone. Each and every thought and word helps me.

http://www.mywayout.org/index.html

Thanks for the URL. I tried this program about 1.5 years ago. I found it helped me slow down on my drinking, but not stop completely. I am one of those people who are not moderate at all, I have to abstain. Over the past few years I have had 5-8 weeks sobriety here and there. Then I would forget how bad it was, amazing how the human body can forget pain and suffering. I did not drink yesterday for the first time in about 10 days. I am hoping for another day today.

Piper I wish I could go 10 days or more . I drink every weekend and can just make it till the next friday. I also went to AA and am going tommarow morning at 7 am maybe next week will be different for me and I will make it past friday.You are not alone. After work today I didnt want to drink so bad I thought if I went to burger king and got a whopper I would not want a beer .sorry to say beer won

Piper - I relapsed for a few months and got back to the program just recently and had a long talk with my sponsor.  When she asked me why I didn't call etc, I told her how embarrassed, ashamed and lost and alone I felt.  Her response was to hug the stuffing out of me and say, "now what makes you think that you're any different than all the rest of us?  we feel that way too!" The way I understand it is that there is something very symbolic and spiritual about asking another human being to help you.  It signifies the level of humility we need to get better.  Does it suck - oh yes :)  Sux bad. The people in this forum have been a wonderful support to me - keep reaching out here.  Try to get up some courage to at least have a casual chat with some of the AA members in your group.  It will be very hard at first, but you don't HAVE to live this way.  There is another option. You're in my prayers and you can email me anytime - I guarantee there is nothing you can say that will make me think you are a horrible person. Love and Light, Michelle