Sucky Anniversary

January 25 is my 32nd wedding anniversary, and it sucks for me every year.  Seven years ago, my husband told me, around this time, that he wanted a divorce, instead of celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary.  I hate it for a lot of reasons, but most of all because it reminds me that I was mainly responsible for the demise of my marriage.  Prior to 2001, I was a maniacal ***** most of the time in our marriage.  I had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in 1989, and made life for my ex and my kids a living nightmare.  Ever see "Fatal Attraction?"  She had nothing on me, except I did not kill rabbits.  I destroyed everything in our home at some point or another, and most of the time, my husband was the target when I got to throwing things.  I had pretty good aim too.  Pity is, I was usually stone cold sober when this acting out took place.   However, I did learn something about my need for recovery from alcoholism.  IF, I drink, I can bring back that BPD behavior.  I had to take the first step and rewrite it backwards in order to work it.  "My life was unmanageable, and I was powerless over alcohol."  IF I want the unmanageability back, all I have to do is drink.  I didn't have to convince myself I was powerless over alcohol, just that I was unmanageable, and could not get my life in order if I continued drinking.  I hope that makes sense. So, I am grateful I have a therapy appointment on Friday, as I really hate being alone, and reminded of how I screwed up my marriage once again. The good news is, my kids have forgiven me, and we all have a good relationship.  They are the best, and they love me and show me in a lot of ways.  By all rights, they could hate me, and it would be totally understandable.  I attribute the positive change in our relationship to me working the steps and making changes, and getting rid of the BPD diagnosis, which took a lot of hard work and therapy.   I am babbling.  I just need to put out there where I am at, because if I stuff it, I will eat over it, and I am already tempted to drink over it.  Go figure. Hugs, Trish

Trish,  why not view the 25th as a re-birth?  What I mean to say is that date was a turning point for you. I'm sure it's hard to see it this way, but it was your new beginning. You've come through hell and ended up on the other side.  Your strength continually amazes me! :)  Hugs and it'll get better!! Marie