Am I an Alcoholic? Am I an Addict? Am I in Deniall???

Hi, this is my first post within the addictions forum and am a little bit nervous.  But I am hoping that you all are as kind and loving and supportive as the rest of the folks on the other boards.  My reason for posting here is to figure out if I am a REAL Alcoholic or not. Here's my situation:  When I was a kid, whenever my parents served alcoholic beverages (usually beer, wine, frozen daquaries or pina coladas) they would always let me have some.  I never drank that much, usually just about four onces (we had these "Special" glasses for such occasions that my Mom and Dad would serve us with). Then in college, I got into drinking because I realized that it would really calm me down when I was nervous waiting for my grades to come out, or when I had done really bad on a test.  Never binge drinking that I can remember, but maybe 3 or 4 drinks to get a buzz and be relaxed enough to sleep. After college, drinking got more important and I was afraid to become an alcoholic because my Dad's foster parents were both alcoholics and he hates them because of it.  So I switched to food instead (changing deck chairs on the Titanic).  If I ate enough, I would get the same buzz and would be able to sleep at night.  But I would still drink in social situations, just a couple of drinks, not enough to get drunk.  Would also keep beer in my fridge for the times that I worked out hard or did gardening on a hot day, just for refreshment.  Again, very moderate, just one can of beer, maybe two.  And not that often either.  A six-pack might last three months in my house. Eventually I went into Overeaters Anonymous and did really well there for a while, lost about 80 lbs., worked all of the steps, etc.  At one point in my early recovery, I realized what a compulsive person I was and that drinking alcohol wouldn't be such a good idea.  So I didn't have a single drink of alcohol for at least 12-14 years. Then my Mom got Alzheimers.  We all went out to dinner (my Dad and Mom, Sister and Brother-in-Law, me and my husband) and my Mom got into one of her hostile moods, which is very scary if you have ever dealt with Alzheimer victims.  This particular night, my Mom was yelling obscenities, saying profane things to the waiter, your typical Alzheimers nightmare.  So that night I ordered a glass of wine to take the edge off.  My husband was shocked because he knew my philosophy on alcohol and also knew how long it had been since I had a drink. After that incident, I would have drinks here and there, a glass of wine at someone's house if they offered it, a beer at a summer get-together, hard lemonade if someone had it in their cooler when we went to the river, etc.  Again, nothing excessive.  But it always pissed off my husband, who by the way, his first wife was a raging alcoholic for 18 years before she eventually got sober and then divorced him. For the last couple of months I have been in severe pain because of a fibromyalgia flare up and also a pinched nerve in my neck.  My doctor had been giving me vicodin, but it wasn't helping at all.  I discovered by accident one night when I was at Bunco that if I had a glass of wine, it would actually take the edge off the pain.  So I started keeping a bottle of wine in my bathroom (hidden so my husband wouldn't get pissed) and would drink a glass ful (maybe 6-8 oz.) before I went to bed.  For the first time in months I would be able to sleep because the pain was diminished. About two weeks ago, my husband found my bottle of wine in the bathroom and confronted me.  He actually went to an alanon meeting and told them what was going on.  In marriage counseling last week I told him I was only doing it because of the pain that I am in and the vicodin isn't helping.  To make a long story short, I stopped drinking since it was such a big, fat, hairy deal for my husband, even though I was in extreme physical pain.  I tthen went to a neurologist to get a second opinion on what was going on with my fibro and pinched nerve and to find out if there was anything else that could be done. He put me on Lyrica, which finally seems to be kicking in a week later, but also gave me methadone, yes methadone, for breakthrough pain.  I am also in physical therapy now, which also seems to be helping.  I am scheduled to have an epidural in my neck to help with the pain, and they are scheduling me with a clinical psychologist who specializes in long-term chronic pain management. But right now I am so pissed off at my husband for making my alcohol usage such a big deal, and that he would rather have me sober but experiencing horrific pain as a trade-off.  I feel like I was using the alcohol for medicinal purposes only, and hey, guess what?  The doctor has prescribed METHADONE for my pain, which to me is far more dangerous than alcohol in my opinion.  Just to **** my husband off, I want to start drinking again.  He sometimes comes across as the critical parent, and when he does that, I just want to become the rebellious child. BTW, right now I have 9 days of sobriety, which I feel is no big deal.  But it's a huge deal for my husband, he is all excited and happy and feels like he is now responsible for "curing me," even though I didn't felt like I needed to be cured of anything, except for my pain caused by my physical illneses. Please advise.  Am I in denial?  Am I an alcoholic?  Am I an addict?  Any input or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi and welcome, Nobody but you can say if you are an alcoholic.  You certainly exhibit plenty of the behaviors I have done, and hiding the bottle is something I did when I was married. Since you are familiar with the 12 steps, I suggest you get to some AA meetings and share what is going on with your drinking behaviors.  In the meantime, I will be praying for you concerning your pain management. Hugs, Trish

Hi, I am so glad you wrote in to talk about this. I can understand your confusion and your anger. You are in a difficult situation, especially with you physical pain.  Here is what comes to mind as I read your post. (FYI--I have struggled with one addiction or another for most of my life. First food/sugar, then alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, sugar again ..... I have been sober from alcohol for more than 24 years.) Did you know that you are at risk for alcoholism just because you had RNY? There is an epidemic of alcoholism in the RNY community because of the way we process alcohol after surgery. Also, the alcohol will be very damaging to your body. So, I highly recommend you don't drink. There are other things that will relieve your pain. You might consider seeing a pain management professional of some kind. I have never done this, but there are people who specialize in dealing with chronic pain, so you may want to explore that. There are a lot of options. Maybe no perfect options, but there are options. If you find yourself hanging onto the alcohol, stewing about it, justifiying why it's okay to continue drinking it, etc., you can assume it's a problem in your life. Doesn't matter whether you call it alcoholism or not. It's not your friend. It won't improve the quality of your life in the long run. By accepting the fact that I am prone to addiction, I have lived my life differently than some people. I am very careful about my choices when it comes to addictive substances and behaviors. There are two books I really like on addiction: The Sugar Addict's Total Recovery Program, by Kathleen Des Maisons, Ph.D. (she developed a food plan for alcoholics to help them stay sober); and Anatomy of a Food Addiction, by Ann Katherine (she discusses how our brain chemistry influences our addictions). I wish you all the best. Keep an open mind and take care of yourself.  Warm regards.