I see patterns..

appears when people (including myself) are not deep into AA and following the program we tend to back off the board..  but isn't this the time when we should gather around it more to draw support.. or do we hang and lurk in the background cuz we feel quilty..  I know for myself.. I have not been to a meeting going on 3 weeks.. nor have I called my sponsor just cuz I feel guilty for not going to a meeting.. I've not drank.. nor want too.  But I do know that relapse starts before the 1st drink.  I know I need to get my ass into a meeting.. I know I need to call my sponsor.. I know I need to work on my 4th step.. I know all this.. but I continue to do what I want to do.. which is shop.. and go home and spend my time doing things I enjoy.  Not bad or harmful things.. but things.  Like I enjoy selling on ebay.. so I shop alot to resell.. it takes up my time.  Also doing alot of overtime now.. so I'm tired and go home like last night and fell asleep on the couch at 7ish. So.. I continue thru my day.. having great thoughts of doing the right thing.. and waiting to see by the end of the day.. if I do the right thing.   How are others doing???  wanna share... hugssss, Rhonda

oh yeah.. my avatar is me in my pre-wls bra.. LOL... still the same cup size.. but slightly smaller these days

Hi Rhonda, Thanks for talking to me yesterday.  It helped.   You are right about the patterns.  I tend to isolate when I am not doing well, so staying off the board is part of my disease. Get thee to a meeting, girlfriend.  You will feel better if you do so.  My plan tonight is to go to a prayer meeting.  Tomorrow I am heading to a Debtors Anonymous meeting, then to an AA meeting.   Huggles, Trish

For me, it's just a matter of remembering that this board is my "safe place".   Even when I don't feel like I can face the people in my local groups, I always feel safe, loved and welcomed here.  But YEP - patterns.  When I KNOW I'm screwing up, I don't want to give others a reason to call me out on it.  My own guilt does just fine! I'm debating going back to my regular group to be honest.  I've had my little "experimentation" spell and I can't honestly say I might not experiment a bit in the future.  But - I'm behaving at the moment, and for that I'm grateful.  I guess that today, I don't feel I belong there and I don't feel I belong with the drunks either.  I'm in limbo.  I'm not in that "go to any lengths" mindset but I'm not in that "oh screw it I'm gonna drink all the time now" mindset either.  I feel kind of lost and without a home.  That's why I'm so grateful for you guys! I've spent 38 years fighting reality and I think I may have finally won!  giggle! Love you guys, Michelle

Hi Michelle, i lurk here once in a while but don't post often. Anyway, i started drinking too much even before surgery (in order not to eat and because i was so depressed about my weight). stopped for a couple of months after, then started drinking again and my weightloss stalled months 4-7. had a bad bount of depression, stopped drinking altogether for about 4 months while my brain chemistry was being restore with meds (i was also seing a therapist). lost the rest of my excess weight. i'm 5'4 and now fluctuale btw. 122-125lbs, BMI in the 20-21 range then went on vacation to Greece in late November with my ex boyfriend and just had to try all the local wines, etc. Now back living with my (still ex, long story) bf in Houston, i still drink socially (champagne at new years, etc. i guess that's what you call experimenting). I was never at AA but was heading down the slippery slope there for a while as drinking became a daily habit and abstaining completely for 4 months was good 4 me. now, like you, i'm kind of in "limbo" i feel like i don't belong with the drunks, nor in aa but somewhere in between. i wonder, do places like AA tell you that it's possible to go back to drinking responsibly or that you must abstainfor life no matter what. is there a safe ground in-between, is that where you are now? sorry about the rambling Natalie

Yes - that is where I am now. AA's core principle is abstinance - period.  It's based on the assumption that alcoholism is a disease of both physical addiction and mental obsession, which intertwine and feed off one another. I personally think every individual is different.  The wonderful things that AA offers are the support system, the spiritual program for dealing with life on life's terms, and a core set of principles that are wonderful to build a life and belief system around.   Most people who end up in AA do so due to severe consequences brought about by drinking.  If drinking is causing problems, then it's probably a problem, right?  I had a rough time of it after my dui and accident - that experience shocked the hell out of me and horrified me.  I had gotten to the point at that time where I was drinking every day and clearly I had some severe consequences.  AA really helped me get my head out of my behind and I'm grateful. Flash forward to today ...  I have a lot more self knowledge due to working a program for a while.  With that, I am learning my danger zones, my triggers, my motivations etc.  See, I can use ANYTHING at all (food, shopping, sex, alcohol, marijuana) to avoid dealing with difficult emotions.  I'm MUCH more aware now than I used to be however.  For instance, when anxious, I'm prone to pick up a bag of chips or something and start munching.  The old Michelle wouldn't even think about it until the bag was empty.  The new and somewhat improved Michelle will eat 5 or 6 chips and then a bell goes off saying "OH crap!  I'm not eating this cuz I'm hungry!  Abort!  Abort!"  Awareness.  It's a blessing. I'm still a screwed up individual but I'm trying to have a normal life.  I don't feel that having a glass of wine with a nice dinner out is going to send me over the edge, but it truly *DOES* for some people.  I totally respect that.  I just don't want to have the kind of life where alcohol is the focus of my every thought - be it because I'm drinking, or be it because I'm so obsessed with NOT drinking.  I just want a normal life.  Normal people don't give it much thought.  I unfortunately have to think and be aware and be on guard for all self medicating substances and behaviours. So yes, I'm trying to find my "niche" so to speak.  Grow up or die they say Love and light, Michelle

hey, Michelle, I relate so much to what you are saying, you have no idea. My issues started with bulimia (gross, i know) my softmore year of college and by fluctuating between 118 and 225 (my highest/surgery weight)  i screwed myself up entirely. it all became cycles: thin (size 2-6) equals happy; fat (150lbs and over_ equals depressed as hell. i'm only 5'4 but for some season 150 was always my "switch" weight. fast forward to 32 (my age now) i finally am getting therapy and some meds (yup, i'm a ****** up individual after all...a law degree and a fancy job just covered up damaged goods:). a year ago i said "fuck it" to my constant weight fluctuations and now am wearing sizes 0-2. i'm tentatively back together with my ex (friends/friends with benefits...whatever). oh, and i slep with 2 new guys this month (after 5 years og being hyperfocused on 1 person.), bringing my lifetime total to 9(not too bad) i mismanaged my practice and my finances, now as funny as it seems, i just want to be normal. i'm getting help for the mental issues--there is some chemical imbalance at work there as well while getting used to being 'hot' and being the center of attention. as far as alcohol goes, could it be that people like you and me just learned our lessons and became somewhat normal (as it good food and wine, hot  men, best of everything lie has to offer.) i really don't want a label although i love the idea of support. but then, if i don't want to "stop" drinking, i just need a reality check for a while to make sure it's all in moderation, i'm not AA material, right? i guess i just want support so i don't have to self-medicate (with food, alcohol, sex, pills, $200 shoes, etc.) but i still want to do all of the above when it's not a self-medicating tool but a healthy way of enjoying life. Does any of it make sence? are there support groups for something like this? Love, Nat

I have not been to a mtg. since before Christmas, I have had reservations about attending my home group lately because I as not happy with how I have been talked to by the secretary.I don't know all the rules and regulations, and he snapped at me a few times.I know I should just go, and forget about it, but I will continue looking for support other ways.  I feel great and continue on my recovery path, spend much time online in support forums, which helps more than meetings.I have enjoyed my newfound life very much , and will continue to grow and do the best I can for myself and others.