Hard Time Lately.

I just feel like I'm in a bad place right now and it's not how I wanted to start the new year. I had to take the semester off of school because I was so sick and got a feeding tube placed in early October. I'm doing fine health wise which I'm grateful for but emotionally I'm all over the place. My mother has terminal cancer and can't work at the moment and my father retired after he got a liver transplant 4 years ago so we don't have a lot of money. I had to take out a little more then 10,000 in student loans for school because of this. Well since I took the semester off school I had to start paying back my loans but I can't afford to so I just pretending like it wasn't happening because I was so overwhelmed with money problems. I've drained my savings which I have been saving for a car to be able to pay my bills because I haven't been working. I got a letter in the mail about how I've defaulted on my student loans and they informed my co-signer so now I'm ashamed because my parents know I'm a failure. I thought I had it all under control but things happened that were beyond my control and now I'm suffering because of it. I've started drinking heavily once I figured out that I don't dump and it's a lot easier to just go out and forget about all of the stress because I'm making myself anxious thinking about it because I don't know how to get on top of things. I feel like I'm drowning. I was home alone for New Years even though I had many friends asking to hang out. I just don't even want to be around people. I was very social especially with my drinking but now I just want to be alone. This is hard for me to admit but since I moved back home I have been taking some of my mother's morphine pills in the morning when I wake up because I just feel like I can't face the day and they help me sleep. Most says I sleep until 4pm and then I just lay around and so nothing with my life. I feel like such a loser and thinking about all of these things and realizing now bad things are just makes me want to drink or take pills or cut myself or just something anything to stop the these thoughts and just help me forget.

Hi Meg, I first want to welcome you to the Addictions Board.  It sounds like you are really going through the wringer with your family's health issues, school, and finances.  You are really a trooper to come here and seek help for yourself. My first suggestion would be to contact the student loan lender and ask for a forebearance on your loan.  That way you could get yourself stablized a little. Second, you may want to visit AA and see if you might want to participate in a recovery program.  AA is a program of learning to live life on life's terms, sober, without alcohol.   Keep coming back and let us know how you are making out. Hugs, Trish

Sending big hugs. You sound depressed to me.  There is certainly a lot you have to deal with right now, and I know how it is to feel like you're in a whirlpool being sucked round and round and down and down.  You get tired of trying to swim out. Your honesty is what convinces me you are going to be ok.  I strongly recommend seeing your doctor and discussing your feelings with him/her.  I've been off and on anti depressants my whole life, and frankly, when legitimately depressed, they really do wonders to help me see enough light at the end of the tunnel to muddle through a little longer. I agree with Trish regarding the student loans.  I've had to do hardship deferrments twice and they were wonderful in the way they worked with me.  Just focus on one problem at a time, preferably the low hanging fruit first - you'll build momentum that way. Please keep letting us know how you're doing. Sending light and love, Michelle

Hi Meg!  I'm a patient of Dr. Hess too! I think we're both on the Quincy Medial WLS listserve too!  I know how you feel. I remember it well. You're feeling suffocated by the walls closing in and you aren't sure what to do, where to start or how it spiralled so fast!   I agree with Trish and Michelle.  Call your banker and tell them you need a deferment. Call your PCP, get an urgent visit appt and spill your heart out.  Find an AA meeting. Tuesday nights in Randolph has a GREAT womens only meeting at the First Baptist Church on Main Street across from Liberty Street.  Or, go to  www.aaboston.org  and you can find one in your town,.   You'll be ok. There IS help out there for you. Keep posting, because you're NOT alone, and if you need to email me, I'm at [email protected] . Take care! Hugs, Marie

the ladies before me had some wonderful and caring advice.. I just wanted to follow up with a Hello.. and a hug (((((MEG))))) and to tell you to keep coming back here.. you are not alone!! Hugsss, Rhonda