What exactly is this?? (sorry, long!)

Hi there all!

I've been a lurker here for some time. I know I have addiction that runs in my blood.  My father is a drug addict & alcoholic, brother & uncle alcoholics..... anyway, I do believe it can be hereditary, so I'm always 'watching' myself from the outside sorta looking in and always doing self reflection type stuff, so if I see a problem, I can make changes.

Ok, so why am I here?  I guess part of that process I continuously do on myself.  Maybe putting it out there in writing will help, not sure.

As a child my parents divorced when I was 7 or so.  My mother didn't have the money to fight for us, so we stayed with dad.  Wasn't the best childhoods and I was, what I know know as sexually abused, by my stepbrother.  I say knowing this now as it was stuff like touching me, although I never had sex or had to do anything to him, but I now know it was abuse, considering I was 10 or 11 at the time.  About 10 yrs later he wa**** in the head with a cement bucket, rendering him with a maturity of a 12 yr old.  I've only told 1 other person about this and she was in a similiar situation and said that this very well could be part of my problems.....  I had convinced myself I was stronger than it and could handle/ignore/forget on my own.

I bring this up as I have always, and still do, find any attention from people very alluring.  I love going out with friends to a bar or something, but even a little attention from someone (men) puts me in a position where I don't make the best decisions, especially since I'm down 104 lbs, in size 5 jeans and getting more attention when I do go out.  BTW, I'm very happily married to a wonderful man.  Granted these decisions aren't necessarily doing something BAD, but more like hard to explain, when I'm asked why did you do this or that, I can't really explain that either.  I think the abuse comes into play here, as I think it screwed up my head to play these silly little games and give in to those temptations.

So there is that part.  Next part (ok, so I'm moderately complex) we've always been drinkers.  Not to the point of drinking daily, needing it, etc; but more than I'm comfortable with.  Few beers with friends, bottle of wine with friends. We've always been the 'fun' friends, have the pool table, air hockey, dart board... we do the 2 big parties a year (my bday and halloween).  Drink beer during football games, etc.  Well, the same friend told me a few days ago they have stopped drinking (or dramatically cut down) that got me thinking.... I'm ready for this too.

I don't want every 'event' to have a footnote about "do we have enough beer", "is everyone safe to drive home", etc..... I'm 32 and have a 6 yr old son.  I want to be that soccer mom (I think anyway), I want to have a healthy life with him, I don't want him to grow up that mom & dad getting drunk several times a month is a life he wants to leave.

Ok, so after I get all this out, I know I have issues.  Thought about getting back in counseling, but I'm working full time, mom, wife and starting back to school on my MBA this week..... I don't have time for this crap. (Ok, so I know it's not crap, but I really don't have time to do this)..... I know I need to deal with these issues, but is cutting back on drinking (which will ultimately take me out of hte situation where I made bad decisions) the first step?  Will it do me any good?

Ok, blast away... :)  and thanks!!

I relate to a lot of your sharing.  In therapy I have learned that I seek, crave, and have gone to any and all lengths for attention from men, as a direct result of my sexual abuse.  I also never saw it as abuse, even though we did have intercourse, and do just about every other thing.  I was 15, and he was 34.   I would urge you to get some therapy to help you sort out the abuse and your attention seeking now.  Therapy has helped me tremendously lately. God bless. Hugs, Trish

Does your drinking directly affect your life in a negative way? Seriously think about this question!  Don't pretend everything is rosey, and you are just social people.I have had a similar life to you, and I was a people pleaser myself, but deep down, I was suffering. What will happen one day when you are not that busy anymore?  You say you don't have time for this crap, but this crap is your life, you and your mental health.Sometimes people become so obsessed with "life", they forget about the things that truly matter.Nothing is more important than your family and yourself.Without you being healthy, everything else is set up to fall like dominoes.