I keep screwing up and acting out.

 

I got drunk last night. Really drunk. Apparently after weight loss surgery, alcohol has a quick and powerful effect. It was horrible. I got drunk at home in front of my children. No, worse than that. I got drunk WITH some of my kids. My son had friends over and they were drinking. I just joined the party. I was supposed to NOT let them drink. That's what a healthy, righteous parent would have done. I went from an angry drunk to a perverted drunk to a depressed drunk. Then I'm pretty sure I passed out. You know what this is about, right? I finally figured it out. It's about Mark. It's a pattern with me. I'm leveling the playing field. I'm proving I'm just as horrible as he is. I'm proving I deserve him. I'm proving I cannot live without him.

I really hate myself

Hi Jill, It sounds like you are really beating yourself up with this situation.  You know better than this, as you are a child of the Most High God.  You do not deserve him, you deserve so much better.   As I read your post I see so much of myself in what you write.  I relate big time.  So, as I write what I am writing, I am talking to myself as well. Please call me.  Maybe we can go to an AA meeting together, or Celebrate Recovery.   Hugs, Trish

Don't hate yourself. You're human, as we all are and made a mistake. Start fresh, :) .  Mark left you with a mountain of debt, and a house you have to sell. He's not worthy of you.  You are a wonder...:) believe it!! Marie

Today is a new day. Sending some angels and peace vibes your way.   hugs, m

I'm not sure all of your situation.. but off the bat.. I'm thinking that you are placing alot of control on Mark.. he has no more power over your drinking as he does you not drinking..  you may want to think he does.. but it's all about YOU and YOUR Higher Power!!  just MO..