My Safe Place - and Petulant Brat Syndrome

I love you guys.  I feel safe here.  I can be me.  I can be honest.  Due to the medium, I don't worry that the lot of you are out gossiping about me from day to day. So - I'm going to dish a little and kind of tell where I'm at. I mentioed in my last post about doing a bit of experimentation.  I won't call it a slip or a relapse or anything like that (even if the program would) - it was experimentation.  Here's what I learned.  I learned that yeah I felt a release of stress for a bit, but it wasn't THAT poignant.  I learned that the "experiment" didnt' cause me to jump on a slippery slope back to daily insanity (thank the Gods).  I learned that I don't really want to do much more experimenting but if the urge hits me some time in the future, I know how to look at it with fresh eyes.  I learned that the "if you can't beat them join them" mentality is stupid.  I can't even fully "join them" even after a couple glasses of wine - no desire to get off the hinges. The people closest to me know of my experimentation.  I've been fully honest and open.  Since nobody can remember me having alcohol issues until after wls, I haven't gotten worry/concern/anger/disappointment - if anything I've gotten reassurance that I'm trusted to have a brain and good sense and not do something stupid.  Wow.   Now - as for my program friends.  My sponsor sorta knows.  Now I didn't come out and say to her, "I drank a couple of times", but I did tell her in a veiled way where I was at and she remains loving and supportive and reminds me that she is there for me. As for the rest of my group.  I don't feel safe expressing any of this to them.  That might change but I have a bit of an attitude problem here and I realize part of it is childish, but I'll try to explain.  Gossip.  I've mentioned before how I hate the way the group gossips.  I haven't been to a meeting in several weeks now.  Not one person has phoned me to see how I am, but they all ask an aa acquaintance of mine on a nearly daily basis, "so did Michelle go 'back out' or what"  "what's up with Michelle"  He just tells them, "here's her number, why don't you give her a call.  she'd love to hear from you".  In my never to be humble opinion, these are not inquiries about my welfare but fishing expeditions for gossip.  I say this because the people asking my friend are the most notorious gossips in the group. So - I sit here thinking to myself, no matter what happens, where is a safe place for me to be me?  I'm fortunate that I can be me with my closest loved ones.  I don't however like the stigma and label that becomes attached after being involved with the program for some time.   Especially when my home group is overwhelmingly emotionally sick. We are all different.  We all have different journeys.  I don't feel like a failure.  I don't feel unbearable shame and remorse.  I feel like, ok, I tested the waters - there are still sharks in them - cool.  Move on.  I feel like a grown up. So - anyhow I know I sound like a rebellious and or petulant kid, but that's my ramble. And I love you all so much for being here to read it. Love and light, Michelle

Hey Michelle, I kind of am feeling similarly about my AA group right now, at least about the lack of phone calls.  I dropped off the radar a few months ago when I started going into work really early, and nobody called me.  I finally called my AA sponsor the day I had hernia surgery to let her know where I was at, and I have not heard from her since.  I don't know if they are gossipping or just don't give a damn about me.  I am not sure, and I will eventually return to that meeting, if and when I get driving privileges back.  I am wheelless since my surgery, and can drive on Tuesday. As for the experimentation, I suggest you find another AA meeting where there is not so much gossip and be honest there.  Then, let it go.  Learn from it and move on.   Be safe. Huggles, Trish