holiday stupidity

jastypes
on 12/26/07 10:42 am - Croydon, PA

My soon-to-be-ex-husband was home for the holidays. And I had sex with him. What an incredibly stupid thing to do. He thought it was awesome. I thought of someone else. He was home for 4 nights, and we had sex on the first night. Then, of course, he begged me for it every other night, even going out and refilling his Viagra prescription. I told him I wasn't having sex with him again. I told him it was Christmas and I was feeling lonely. That's all. When his girlfriend called him, he refused to answer her calls. He wanted us to be a couple again.

I can't do it. I can't think about him without thinking about all the pain he's caused. I can't look at him without thinking of all the years he used drugs and all the things I had to go through alone. I will never trust that he could be a real husband to me or father to my children.

I've been punishing myself with food since Friday. God, I didn't even realize it until I wrote it just now. I knew I was feeding something, but I didn't know what. Since my weight loss surgery, it is very obvious when I am eating out of emotions, because I am NEVER eating anymore out of hunger.

It is so good to be getting this out here. I didn't even tell my sponsor what happened because I'm so embarrassed, I feel stupid, and I hate myself even more than I did before.

Thanks for listening.

 

 

jastypes 26-Dec-07

Why did I sleep with him in the first place? What was up with that? What was I thinking? I wanted to be close to someone. I wanted to be loved. But I know better than to think he would love me the way I need to be loved. Was I punishing myself then for something? The last time I saw him, he called me a ***** twice and told me that Jesus Christ himself couldn't bring out anything good in me. And then the next time I see him I have sex with him? I am a ***** I am horrible. I am a terrible human being.

 


Blessings, Jill

WLS 5/31/07.  Maintaining a weight loss of 141 pounds and feeling amazing!

Curious G.
on 12/26/07 6:28 pm - Peachtree City, GA

Don't be so hard on yourself.  It happened.  It's done.  You can't take it back.   Instead, just try to look at it as reassurance of your STRENGTH - yes I said strength.  You are still strongly convicted that you do not want to go on with the relationship.  When I was married during the last few years and contemplating divorce, any sign of warmth or affection would be enough to still my sails for a few more weeks - the hoping, the wanting the closeness etc. all weakness. I wouldn't assign too much value to the experience other than that of learning.  It's a natural expression between man and woman - especially married and even newly divorced ones.  It's familiar, it's normal, and yeah you might regret it, but I'm sure it's much more healthy than going out and picking up a guy with whom to sleep. You're ok - you're growing.  Giving you a big hug. love and light, Michelle

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  "God does not care about our mathmatecial difficulties - he integrates emperically!" - Albert Einstein
                  

Patricia R.
on 12/27/07 3:31 am - Perry, MI
Jill, How would you minister to a woman who is lonely and has been celibate and struggling with self-esteem issues for years?  How would you treat her if she is struggling with weight loss surgery issues and the jumbled emotions of a divorce from a drug abusing man?  Would you have compassion on her if she slipped up and slept with the man she is divorcing?  Probably.  I know you would be merciful and show her compassion and love.  So, do that to yourself.  You committed the sin of humanness and made a mistake.  You went against your better judgment.  We all do, or we would not be WLS patients, that's for sure.  We also would not be on the Addictions board for that matter. I have been tempted to meet Frank again, prior to my hernia surgery.  Thank God our schedules did not jive, or I probably would have. Forgiveness is there, but forgiving ourselves is always hardest. Call me over the weekend, and maybe we can get together.  I can't drive till Tuesday though, since the hernia surgery.  I see Dr. Marymor next Friday. Hugs, Trish
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
96179

Michelle W.
on 12/28/07 5:53 am - Olmsted Falls, OH
I did this with someone I thought I wanted to love me all my life.Truth is, I just was sick, needy and settled for his sick treatment while I was obese.After my surgery, I had men treat me with more respect, and realized I could never truly love someone who caused me so much pain, and verbally abused me on a daily basis.  We slept together one time after my surgery, afterwards I got up immediately and got dressed.He asked what the rush was, and I told him I wanted him to feel the way he made me feel for the last ten years.Of course, I was a ***** ***** you name it.It didn't matter, because I got laid and I got the feeling of empowerment knowing I could now walk away.Felt damn good.
natalie1975
on 1/5/08 5:53 am - Yardley, PA
good for you. my ex hates it that the power and control are no longer his. long story but he went ballistic whe i hooked up with someone alse at New Years' party. I actually got called a ***** and a filthy prostitute (wtf?)--i'm an attorney with a doctorate degree as is he...waht's up with white trash talk and the jelaous rage? my ex and i still can't fully let go of each other but now i control the playing field and i'm thin (even thinner then when i met him 5 years ago  and more importantly i don't think he's the only one for me.

 

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