My answer to Melissa's questions and some self revelations (Long)

Melissa - I started this as a response to the questions you had in your post.  It ended up forcing a self examination that I should have done long ago, for that I truly thank you.  That's one of the weirdest and best things about talking with other recovering addicts, often you can learn more about yourself or just remind yourself to practice what you preach. Well here is my attempt at answering your questions.... Melissa, Welcome!  I really see much of myself in your words.  At one time I had 11 years sober, now it is measured in days, so I'm basically at where you are.  Therefore take what you want out of my comments and know that I understand the hypocrisy of any advice I may give.  That said, personally  I sometimes find it easier to take someone else's advice than my own; maybe some of the things I experienced will connect with you.   Question #2) Feeling good without alcohol.           Why did/do I drink?  For me its because I LIKE the way it makes me feel RIGHT THEN.  In my mind I am funnier, more charming and animated.  And you know what? For the first hour or two I am, (normally I am rather shy in groups) but I am not able to notice when I get past this stage to where I work my way from irritating to obnoxious to worse.         I hate not remembering Everything I did last night, seeing certain looks in people's eyes and not knowing if or how badly I offended them.  Have I compromised my reputation with the community and those I care about?  Have I done something to put my job in jeopardy?  (For example a DUI would probably be viewed as such a lack of judgment and evidence of my untrustworthiness to handle confidential information that the result would, if lucky, just result in a demotion down the ladder but would more likely end up in my being fired, either right then or for some trumped up reason soon thereafter.)  Even knowing all of this I still have difficulty making the right choices and too often lately have failed to do so.       I believe that all addicts, and to a lesser extent bingers, are in fact bi-polar.  We experience the extreme joy of the mania side while using or abusing and then end up rollercoastering down into the depths of depression when we have to deal with results of our manic actions.  These heights and depths continue to increase the longer we use, with the time at the peaks lasting a shorter and shorter amount of time and the valleys becoming deeper and longer in duration.           So for me the first year or so that I was sober I truthfully did not feel as 'good' if you judge that by the "top of the world - life of the party" positive glow feeling the manic times had brought.  But that was more than offset by the lessening of the depressed and bad times that I had previously experienced.  I think of it as if my "Mountains and Crevices" had been tamed to "Hills and Valleys" with a lot more hills than valleys.  After year 2 or so I realized that if you walk up enough hills pretty soon you'll find yourself at the top of a mountain.  So yes you can get peace and calm, and more importantly Joy, back into your life.  Question #1 - Part A)  What can I put in my life to make up for the missing addictive substance?  What will give me that same level of peace and calm?            My 'stinking thinking' agrees with you that a bath can in no way compete head to head with a stiff drink, BUT there are other ways to get peace and calm which work better for me than drinking. (For me drinking was more about trying to enhance happiness not nessarily peace and calm.)  Addicts often have obsessive personalities to one degree or another.  The trick for me was to substitute something in place of booze and it's behaviors.  This is really more a short term fix that worked for the first year or so and I am sure not approved by any legitimate counselor but it worked for me.  The key is finding what works as a substitute for you and is not detrimental to you long term.  For me it had to be something also that I did not associate with alcohol.  My drink of choice at the time was a 7&7, or a Mountain Dew and Vodka, so I switched to Diet Coke and like many others in the program rarely did not have one in my hands.  I realized that one of the effects I liked about booze was the escapist feeling it gave me, that I could forget for a period of time about my cares and worries.  I found that books and the computer gave me this feeling as well and were not activities my mind associated with alcohol.  (I'd be much more careful using computers for this today.  This was back in the days before the internet made it big.  Currently I'm focusing on my mp3 collection and the history channel, LOL!)  I know some people switched to exercise and ending up enjoying the endorphin rush as a substitute.  Others have used a variety of activities including sports, knitting, music, study, languages, or even work.  The most important thing in my book is that it HAS to be an activity that you can do alone, otherwise you won't be prepared to handle stress when your team isn't available.  This may seem like I'm avoiding underlying issues, and maybe I am, but I found that many, many, of those issues were a direct result of my drinking and that upon stopping they ceased to be of concern.  Down the road you can more closely examine the remaining issues from a clearer perspective. Part B)  Is AA the only answer?.  Easy Answer - No. Hard Answer - It can sure make it easier.  Even if you don't attend the meetings get a Big Book and some of the other material.  Somebody once told me "It takes a Drunk to clean a Drunk."  I firmly believe in this concept, it's hard to give much validity to someone who hasn't travelled the same roads.  Meetings let you get this help in person and are generally acknowledged to be the most effective.  Books, tapes, and other materials (including the Internet) can also be used although from my perspective they are less effective so it takes a more concerted effort when using these resources.  I am a professional in a small community with 1 meeting choice (weekly) and no anonyminity (sp) so I am currently trying the second approach with limited success.        I don't really like going to meetings but one thing that did keep me going were those bloomin chips!  At the beginning I picked my meetings by who handed out chips at the most frequent intervals; if you gave out a 2 month chip I was there.  This helped me break my efforts into more managable chunks for me.  While I definitely believe in 'One Day At A Time' I needed another intermediate goal to focus on as well.  Currently its just make it to Christmas.  Then it will be New Years. Then whatever chip is next.    I often felt uncomfortable at meetings, everyone sitting around with their jumbo 7/11 refillable cups filled to the brim with either coffee or coke, many times smoking or smelling of smoke.  They all knew each other and were very polite to me but no connections.  To quote Rhonda's words:               "I didn't suffer what all they had.. no prison.. not homeless.. not jobless.. but then I realized.. from listening to their story that what I had in common with each is... ONCE I START DRINKING.. I CANNOT STOP.  I would try to limit my drinking.. I would try to change my drinking habit..  but none worked.  I would always revert back to the same pattern.   I was powerless over alcohol.  And because of that.. I am an alcoholic and must follow the program that works for me and that is AA"            It's amazing how much of an equal opportunity destroyer this disease can be.  That means that if you look for a bit you'll be able to find someone who probably shares most of your common experiences and with whom you can connect.  I have a person like that who, although separated by a number of years, knows exactly the route I took and helps me get back on the right path when I need it.  [That reminds me that I need to give him a call.]  He lives a couple of hours from me but I know that he's there when I need him. Well, that's enough from me...It's time for me to start practicing what I preach.  Thanks for reminding me what I need to be successful in my fight.