A new request and thank you.

I want to thank you guys for replying to my message, I really appreciate the encouragement to go back to my meetings and I have, I just haven't picked up a desire chip for fear and embarrasement...I really don't want to belabor on that anymore here. Instead, I'd like to know that THIS forum is perhaps a place where I can come and be just as honest,no, more honest, than I can be in person.  I think that is obviously much easier to be anonymos here and that makes me feel like I can really share openly. But please don't send me somewhere else, just hold me (at least in your minds) and please tell me that you understand the fear and shame that come with this god-awful disease. I hate being an alcoholic...I hate it so much, I was so happy that I'd found a solution to my eating problem and I never even considered that it would morph into something so much more cunning. I want to keep this on a good note but the truth is that I'm still very affraid and confused. I feel like I'll never be able to relax, that this gadang thing might jump at me anytime when I least expect it. Please tell me that its ok, that I can be honest here without having to worry about people jumping down my throat. Thank you for your responses, I'm sorry I sound so needy right now...but I am. J

I was asked to read the below at my AA meeting tonite... "I am responsible.  When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there.  And for that, I am responsible." I'm here with open mind.. ears.. and arms!!

Hey Jacob,   I hope you keep coming back no matter what and sharing where you are today it helps all of us. And be as honest as you want. I hope my response to you yesterday wasnt to har**** is a very serious disease we share. Its cunning and baffling and wants are lives.....You can put it in remission. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Through meetings, sponsor other people in recovery. One day you will relax and make it without fear.   And keep coming back it works if you work it. Dawn

Hi!  I'ts easier to stay anonymous online (more or less) so feel free to share here!  I've been an alcoholic many years...and sober for the last 21 of them. It wasn't until AFTER the drinking and smoking addictions were conquered that I turned to food. And only when I was faced with WLS that I realized and admitted Im' addicted to food too. (and shopping and shoes, but that's another story)!

I LOVE this board. It's like a meeting a day for me. You'll find acceptance here, and laughter and understanding. And I've been blessed with finding friends too. :)  I'ts OK to be needy., We all are. You're in the finest of company!

Marie

J~ We do understand. I believe I can speak for most if not all alcoholics on this board when I say....we know how you feel. You are safe here. There is no judgement in AA. We've all got history but make the decision to stay in today as much as possible. Today you are sober, going to meetings and reaching out.  Excellent day. Keep coming back. Karen

Jacob, I just wanted to jump in and say that I think its very courageous of you to reach out like you for help.  I too hate being an alcoholic and hate the fact that I crave it almost every day.  I have been in and out of AA and rehab for the past 3 years and just have not been able to GET it yet - I am hoping that I will soon.  This disease is ruining my health and my marriage.  I am 4 days clean today and have gone to 2 meetings so far this week.  Tonight I will go to my outpt once a week group.  Will I tell them about my relapse? Probably not - right now the fear is just too huge.  I like you and every other alcoholic out there am just taking it one day at a time.  Sometimes it just has to be one minute or even one second at a time but we are fighting and in my mind right now that is all that matters.  They say all you have to have is the desire to stop drinking. Keep that desire with you and keep battling cause in this disease I believe the war will never be won as we will never be cured however as long as we continue to fight we just might make it.  Good luck and you are in my prayers. Joy

I am not alone even though it feels that way sometimes. what you discribed is exactly how I feel. I am in day treatment and I go to AA meeting, but sometimes it is so overpowering I don't know if I can beat it. Is there anything that helps you get through the day?

Jacob I didnt mean to sound mean on your fist post. I have bean where you are now when I was  young  and in the army I would drink to blackout and live in fear for a day or 2 after fear of what I had done. After a few days I would find out I had done nothing and would feel better. I finally realized I was a good person and was the same when I was drunk and blacked out. .I stopped drinking that much after I left the army 20 years ago but i never forgot the fear of not knowing what  I did when blacked out and even though I still drank I lived in fear of the blackout to this day  20 plus years later good luck