horrible relapse

hi I'm "Jacob" and I'm an alcoholic, I am so embarrased and full of fear today. I've never been on this forum and i don't know the rules so forgive me if I'm not doing this right. I need help and support today, I hope you'll be kind. Like many of us...probably all of us, I first had a food addiction, after surgery, I began to drink.  I began attending AA a while back when I first suspected that I had become cross-addicted. I worked all 12 steps and life was ok, though never great. I also suffer from other psychological problems like depression and possibly ADD. I've not had the courage to tell many people in AA because people tend to be very ugly to people *****lapse. I've only told 3 people (who themselves also relapsed over the holidays). I'm writing today because I had a very bad relapse over the holidays. I began drinking at a restaurant and must have blacked out and continued because there are at least 3 other restaurants' charges on my check-card.   I knew I was taken to my parents' home (old address on my driver's license) by a taxi cab. The horror and the embarrasment of knowing that they saw me drunk is almost unbearable to me.  I am so ashamed.  They drove me to pick up my car to the restaurant (the first one that I had gone to)  after driving around for several minutes and not finding it, I decided to go inside and ask the manager if maybe they had it towed.  Thats when she told me that I had left on foot and had walked to the restaurant next door. I spoke to the security guard at the shopping center where both of these restaurants are and they took down my information because they thought maybe my car had been stolen. Imagine my surprise when I checked my online bill and saw charges for a restaurant 5 miles away!  I went there and found my car in the parking lot. I was so greatful to see my car again but then I panicked again when I saw that it had a bended fender....I have no recolection of driving, much les****ting something.  It appears to have been some kind of concrete thing based on the scratches and the height (I don't think it was another car). Now everytime my phone rings I'm in a panic that it will be someone who saw me hit something or worse, the police....I am so afraid I feel like crying.  I regret having given my info to the security guards because now, if someone reports a hit and run, they might tag it on me....I'm so stupid! people had told me that I would hit a blank spot and I certainly feel that way. I had no intention of drinking on that particualr morning... I've been praying like crazy but I feel so scared.  I hate it that I have this damned disease that sneaks up on us when we least expect it... Does anyone here understand?

Hi Jacob,   My name is Dawn and I to am new to this forum. I've been on some of the other wls forums. I am a addict of all sorts not just alcohol but drugs were the main staple in my addict life. What I can tell you is stop beating yourself up. Pull yourself up out of the hole dust yourself off and be greatful to be alive. Man its not that bad. Some days suck true.....but I personally have allot more better days then bad ones. As for your relapse if you cant share that at your home group for fear of people not being nice. Well I didnt always get it nice but I did get it the way I needed it. Maybe its time to seek out a new home group. I dont have experience with AA to much I have been involved with Narcotics Annonymous same 12 steps  we just include all drugs including alcohol. AA is pretty much only about alcohol. Alcohol is a druggggggg. As far as working your steps you should do it consistantly. That would be my advice.  Today for me life is gold truly. I'm not sorry that you had to experince what you did. Remember that day forever.....remember how horrible it feels. My sponsor once told me neverrrrr forget the last time you used or relapsed if you do you will eventually repeat the same old behavior. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired that I was willing to go to any length to stay clean. And I did. I have had hardships also we all do. Just keep moving forward dont stand still for to long. Dont become stagnet in your own recovery. Keep yourself busy and talking to people in recovery. Drinking and druging is to easy and hell we might not die for along time from it. I dont want to be tortured by my disease. But I do respect it. My disease tells me things like. I dont need to talk to people about whats going on in my life or I dont need to tell people about my relapse. MY disease wants my life it wants me to use just one more time. It wants me dead. But today I share life with you and how cool it is. If we want it, its really there. My disease is the monkey in the cage rattling the cup back and forth begging to be let out. Today recovery and other recovering addicts keep my disease of addiction in check. Keeps it locked up. But I by no means forget that its there. The disease reminds me quit frequently. Check out the Narcotics Annonymous Book. Start with who is a addict. No matter how bad your relapse was you can still begin a new. Do you want it? If so seek it out. I was told anyone *****ally wants it will get it. What a concept huh? It took me awhile. And sometimes I have to remind myself over and over and over that it can be a hell of allot worse. And do I still think about using? occasionally weeks, months go by but I still think about it. My disease wont ever let me forget. I dont know if anything I've told you has helped but know there is someone praying for you. And if you need to get a hold of someone leave me a message I check them daily.    Hope to see you on here again, Dawn

Hi Jacob, I'm Pokey and i am an alcoholic also. I feel your pain. You are not alone. A.A. has a wonderful network of friends and you should contact someone in your erea so they can sit down with you and discuss your issues. If your life only got ok maybe you didn't actually work all 12 steps completely. People relapse all the time so you are not by yourself. My next step would be to go back to A.A. and admit my mistake,get a desire chip and renew my relationship with my sponsor or get a new one(if needed).We cannot face these demons alone and we don't have to.The steps are a lifelong endeaver and we are never through working them. GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS

Hi Jacob, Welcome to the Addictions Forum.  You are not breaking any rules, and you are to be commended for your honesty.  Alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful.  It will take you places you never intend to go.  Do not beat yourself up from your relapse, LEARN from it.   First off, you mention you have some psychological problems.  Are you in therapy, and/or on medication?  Talk to your doctor and/or therapist about your relapse.  I have been in therapy for 18 years, and would not be where I am today without both my psychologist and psychiatrist.  I am currently working on adjusting my medications.   Secondly, get to your AA meeting and share about your relapse.  Get a sponsor if you do not have one, and get back to working step one.  Write a drunkalogue about your alcoholism, including this relapse.  Share it with your sponsor.  Write about being powerless over the alcohol and how that has looked in your life.  I really struggled with the concept of powerlessness.  It is what kept me out there after my relapse.   Third, try doing a 90 in 90.  I have never actually done one, but just trying to made such a difference in my recovery when I did it.  It will get you to meeting new people in the program, and will give you the opportunity to really connect with recovering people. Hang in there.  Go to a  meeting tonight if you can. Hugs, Trish

Hi Jacob,

Thanks for reaching out and being honest. I understand exactly how you feel. I know it's hard to conceive now, but if you are willing to get sober again because of the way you feel now, then one day you will see this all as a blessing that set you up for a better way of life.

My bottom was really ugly and I thought it was utterly IMPOSSIBLE for me not to regret the things I did. But now I know it takes what it takes to get us willing to do the work it takes to stay sober.

Praying like crazy is a great idea. Always works for me.

Now get your ass to a meeting!

Karen

Jacob maybe this is a stop sign . A sign that this could have been worse, maybe you could have hit a person instead of concreet.dude this should scare you in to not drinking. prison aint no joke

 

 

Hi Karen.. good to see ya.. I've missed you AND YES JACOB... I understand as well.  You have been given some wonderful advice here.  Please get yourself to a meeting.. be open and honest.  Don't let the evils of your pride prevent you from getting better and having the kind of life you want and deserve.. KEEP COMING BACK!! HUGSSS,

Rhonda

Thank you all for your kind responses....I was beggining to wonder if anyone would reply (I think only 1 person did the first day). Jacob