Feeding my anger

I am a food addict who has had weight loss surgery. So now I know that anytime I act out with food, I am feeding something other than hunger. This morning I borrowed money from my son, went to Dunkin Donuts, bought a breakfast sandwich, and seriously thought about eating it in the car where no one could see me. I knew I was in trouble. So I thought to myself, what am I feeding?

I am feeding anger. My husband was home this weekend. We are separated, but until the house is sold, he insists on coming here to stay every other weekend. He's supposed to be coming to spend time with the children. But he won't leave me alone. He touches me. He kisses me. He tells me he wants to have sex. I run from him. I spend as much time out of the house as possible. I stay up until I know he's asleep. He left this morning, but before he did, he was kissing me and grabbing at my breasts, and laughing and telling me he loves me. I was gagging and telling him I hate him. But it's like he doesn't believe me.

Obviously, I'm not making myself clear enough. I'm reading a book on boundaries right now. I have NO boundaries. I don't really know how to say "no." I don't think I have that right. We're still married. I feel sorry for him. Forget all the crap he did to me -- the crack, the coke, the heroin. Forget the anger and abuse. I feel guilty because I want a divorce, and because I don't want to be with him when he so obviously wants to be with me.

He's gone now, and I have to recover from his being here. I have to find a way to express my anger rather than swallowing it. I took about 2 bites of the sandwich and had to wrap it back up because, fortunately, my new stomach won't allow me to eat it without getting sick, and I'm not going there.

I'm going to go do my devotional, bible reading, fold a load of laundry, take a shower, and then hopefully feel a little better. After that maybe I'll journal and call my sponsor.

Thanks for letting me vent.