Do you ever wonder why...

I'm on a self analysis and self get-right kick here this past week.  I have a lot of stuff I need to work out. So I'm thinking... trying to piece something together here. I have made a choice in my life NOT to speak to my father on the phone after 7 pm at night.  To do so subjects me to typical drunk talk - repetition, slurring, erratic conversations that are hard to follow, arguments I don't quite understand or follow - you know the drill. As we all know from my postings about the (ex)boyfriend...  he's not a well man.  LOL  I've not told him to go jump off a cliff, but I'm finding myself taking similar protective actions.  I can no longer speak to him in the evenings either.  It's like entering the twilight zone. But here's the thing - and this was true of my ex hubby too.  To engage in dialogue with these men when they're in that state makes me want to drink in the worst way. I'm not blaming my recent obsession with the drink on this, but I'm seeing a lightbulb go on regarding it and my own sobriety.   So here are the questions I ask myself. Am I jealous?  Do I want to be a jackass to everybody to whom I speak ?  nah I don't think so. Am I jealous because I want to just give up and give in like they do/have done/are doing?  Hmm maybe. Am I simply irritated?  No - because I get irritated with lots of things in my very hectic life that do not make me want to drink. Am I seeking that mental state of denail - ahh I think we are getting close. See problem.  Big problem.  Problem that I cannot deal with.  Problem over which I have absolutely no control.  Somebody unable to "LOVE" me.  See me angry and not wanting to admit that I can't have what I want where these people are concerned.  See me want to drink.  .......... But..  honestly I have some big problems in my life and have throughout my sobriety.  They have not made me OBSESS about drinking.  This one does - bad. So - call up Carl Jung (I prefer him to Freud) from the grave and get an answer doggone it :-) Right at this MOMENT, I am cool.  I still have the fleeting drinking thought this eve, but it's fleeting.  However, comma...  daily - more than daily I try to talk myself into going to the liquor store.  I find myself craving very strongly.  And I've found myself doing this for many days/weeks now.  I'm journaling, phoning, thinking the drink through (I know it wouldn't be one drink and one day - it would be drink to get drunk, rinse and repeat the next day etc), one-minute/day at a timing, going to meetings (need to add a few in I think) and doing the next right things (mostly - I'm really struggling with procrastination and depressive thinking right now), and I'm putting up a good fight. But - ok, maybe I'm whining, but **** man - this is driving me bonkers.  Soo  haha I think of that groucho marx bit where the guy goes in and bends his arm and says, "look doc, it hurts really bad when I bend my arm like this", and groucho replies, "well don't bend your arm like that"  duh! I *KNOW* this simple stuff.  Why do I struggle? Ok - now one more tattle on myself tidbit and I'll let you guys to ponder your turkeys and giblets ;) I've been connecting via IM with the ex ex bf lately  (not the recent relapser bf) - just chatting but for the sole purpose of getting that reaffirmation - sexual reaffirmation - that I am desired, beautiful, wanted, special etc.  I don't really have any hope or intention of having a relationship with the ex ex bf - ours was more of a good friendship that became some EXTREMELY good sex but that was the gist of it.  So it wasn't really a healthy place for me.  But this interaction with him validates my crazy ass in some way.  See - I'm not a total loser!  Somebody wants me and isn't afraid/ashamed/embarassed to say/show me.  I need a straight jacket. At the end of the day however, it comes down to this I think.  Everybody I've ever loved (excluding my kids) was not able to love me back.  Now I suppose we can say hello Freud.  They've either been addicted or emotionally unavailable.  With the exception of my parents, I've PICKED them voluntarily.  Why in God's name would I do something like that?  And why in Goddess' name do I keep going back to that particular well in search of water?  That is just effing stupid.  Stupid.  I have a 140 iq - I'm no dummy.  Why am I being stupid? Ah - if nothing changes - nothing changes. God grant me the serentiy to accept the things I cannot change (people/places/things) The courage to change the ONE thing I can (me)  And the wisdom to know the difference (and the willingness to acknowledge it) Love you guys - self work is hard.  *&$^#%@ muah! Michelle

Michelle,  I relate so much to everything you share.  You are like a soul-sister to me.  I relate to the need to have a man in my life, even via texts or phone, just for the sake of not feeling alone.  I am so there with that need, and the guys I have been hooked on have been unavailable for a variety of reasons.   I want to be able to say, "I am enough, me, myself and I, alone, am enough.  I do not need a man to validate my existance.  I am whole, and complete just as I am."  But, I do not believe that when I get to the core of my being. I do find that when I am working on my spiritual development, which for me includes Bible reading and prayer, I do better.  Kind of like meeting attendance helps the emotional sobriety part of me.  So, why don't I take care of both these days?   Sending you super-cyber hugs, Trish