Scary Weekend

This past weekend was a pretty scary one for me.  I fell into a terribly deep depression over my financial nightmare, and sank into some risky behaviors.  I drove around on Saturday night, calling friends, in the hopes of reaching someone to talk to, but got voicemails and other family members, and no human contact.  I was really upset and drove to one liquor store, and drove through the parking lot, but drove away without parking.  I then ran an errand, and drove to another store, and parked the car, and then drove away.  I then headed home, and drove to one more liquor store, and parked the car, but again, did not have the courage to go in.  One of my thoughts was, how could I post on the OH Addiction board that I drank?   I felt this bad, even after I saw my therapist on Saturday afternoon.  I had a really good session, but some things happened on Saturday evening that triggered a lot of negative self-talk and self-hate about the mess I am in financially.  Mostly shame that my kids know how bad my finances are.  I did this to myself, with my impulsive, addictive spending.  I told my therapist that I am just a big F*** up.   I did start cutting on Saturday night, but stopped after a few cuts.  Usually, I cut about 20 times.   On Sunday, I overslept and did not go to church, in spite of several obligations.  I called my therapist and told him I wanted to die, and had cut myself on Saturday night.  He said he was going to be in his office in the afternoon, and asked if I wanted to come in.  I drove to his office at 3:00 and had a really rough session.  One of the things he asked about was my medications.  Again, I have been cutting back on one of the meds.  He asked me why I don't trust my psychiatrist about my meds and why I am being so rebellious with that med.  I told him I have trouble waking up in the morning on that med, and that I hate the diagnosis that goes with that med.  He was not easy on me about the meds, because I have a pattern of doing well when I take my med at the right level, and I do horribly when I cut back on that med. We had a really good session, and I left feeling a little better.  He encouraged me that my kids love me in spite of the financial mess I made.  He said that if he asked my daughter if her mom was off her rocker, she would probably say I was, but if he asked her if she loved me, she would say yes.  He reminded me that I may be a little goofy, but I have a heart of gold and that my kids have gotten past the way I raised them.   So, last night, my son stopped by on his way home from the Eagles game he went to yesterday afternoon.  We talked and I told him about the bankruptcy lawyer.  I told him I have been working so hard at my recovery, and that this is one more area of recovery for me.  He did not say anything negative to me.  He was rather understanding. Last night, I took my med at the right level, and I overslept this morning and was late to work.  The first time in my career that happened.  I also called my psychiatrist and left him a voicemail about what has been going on, again.  He called me back today and asked me why I keep messing around with my med level.  I only told him about having trouble getting up, and told him I was late to work today because of it.  He offered to change my medication altogether, and suggested the new med might be better because it does not have such a strong sedative effect.  He called in a prescription for me.  I start it tonight. So, that is where I am at tonight.  Battered, but I did not relapse, at least not with alcohol. Hugs, trish

tons of hugs!!!!!! I'm so glad you shared all this.  And I'm so glad you stayed sober! You really encourage me girl! Love you, M

Thanks for sharing all of that, Trish.  I'm sorry you are going through all this.  I can assure you that your children love you despite you financial woes.  I love my mom and dad.  Dad's filing his second bankruptcy; and mom just had her car repossessed.  And I wonder why I can't handle money!  LOL.  I'm sure it was very scary being so tempted to drink.  I'm so proud of you for not giving into temptation. 

 

Trish you are so strong! I'm so proud of you for not breaking your sobriety!! YOU GO GIRL!!  I bet the new med gives you the success you're looking for!!

Stay strong!

Hugs,

Marie

{{{{{{{{{{Trish}}}}}}}}

you made all the RIGHT decisions.. can you imagine that..  "We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. " you were tempted to drink.. and didn't..  you tried reaching out to others.. but couldn't reach someone (((sorry))) you called your psychiatrist..  you visited your psychiatrist.. you talked to your son..  you took your meds as prescribed..  you have a call into your dr, again.. you DID NOT drink!!! you did act out and cut, but you realized it and stopped before the *norm* cutting routine. I like your pschy.. him saying ..  you are a little off your rocker but your daughter loves you anyways.. LOL.. we all have our problems.. and families have their issues.. personalities.. but we all love each other unconditionally.  I was talking to my mom yesterday.. *uhoh* and she is mad at my sister and her family.  The reason.. cuz my sister gives off this attitude of holier than thou with many people.. actually her husband and daughter (my only niece) does too.  I was thinking about that last nite..  that I'm thankful for my disease of alcoholism.. and the road it's taken me... just because I can appreciate more people of all walks of life.. I rather feel *awkward* in my own skin.. and appreciate others.. than to feel like my *skin* don't stink   like the rest of us Trish.. hang in there and keep fighting the battle.  You will have good days and bad.. I hope that your good days soon overwhelm the bad!!

 

 

 

 

LOTS of hugs to you Trish!!   Good thoughts and prayers to you for your meds and finances are straightened out..