Time to make a choice

The time has come to make a choice.  My relationship or my sobriety.  This is a no-brainer right? * My mother was a drunk.  She left me at age 9.  For keeps. * My father - a functioning emotional unavailable alcoholic.  He convinced me something is wrong with me. *  My ex - a severe alcoholic who was/is bipolar amongst other things - he validated me but  like my other main attachments could never love me due to his addictions/isms.  I was with him for 10 years and have cursed myself in the 10 years that followed for doing that for son long. Before my ex and since the divorce, I've mainly chosen and favored addled or emotionally unavailable men.  I've done this intentionally, although I didn't always understand why.  I've always kept a part of myself closed off so rejection/abandonment would not hurt as bad.  I always fooled myself into believing that I preferred things this way. Fast forward to the Current relationship.  In many ways it's been healthier than the others.  On MY part, I've seen tremendous growth and ability for intimacy I did not have before.  I did things the "right way" moving slowly, being friends first etc.  On the part of my boyfriend however, he is making it impossible to stay involved with him.  If I stay in this relationship, I'm going to drink or use.  I know this as sure as I know my own reflection now.  I was 98% of the way to a relapse Friday night.  My choices are my responsibility, but the level of frustration and anxiety I feel when trying to interact with the bf when he's drinking is not a good thing for me.  I'm not going to sign up for this crazy wild ride again.  I cannot.  I will drink. I purposely do not interact with my father after 7 pm for this very reason.  It's pointless for one thing because he is not rational and he will not remember the interaction in either case.  I'm not going to live a life where I cannot interact with my boyfriend after 7 pm either.  Granted, he does not drink when he is with me, which is half the nights of the week, but more and more when he is NOT with me, he is drinking/drunk/obnoxious and I don't care to experience that. I told him on Friday that I was in a shaky place and wanting to drink.  His response was to tell me that HE was drinking and fighting fire with fire.  Then he sent me a dozen Irish Drinking songs as what I believe he thougth was a joke (we send eachother music over skype all the time).  I did not find it funny.  Tonight, I told him I was going to a meeting - (on skype again).  I set my status message to away and went.  I came back to find a dozen or so messages - some asking where I went, some accusing me of changing the status to talk to somebody else and some boasting about him having his weed connection back.  Then there are like a dozen texts asking where I am and stuff like that when he knew I was going to a meeting.  sigh.  Assclownery.  Was *I* like that when I was drinking?  damn. Drinking and drugs are not a part of my life anymore.  I want the man I choose to love to be a part of my life.  Unfortunately, the two are mutually exclusive. When you love somebody, you want what is the best thing for that person.  He does not want what is best for me.  He's yet another individual I've chosen who cannot love me.  That is a bitter pill to swallow.  I'm damn pissed off at myself. If I continue the way I'm going, I'll end up drunk.  Y'all I'm not kidding, I had my shoes on, the keys in my ahnd and was on the way to the liquor store.  I also had a hell on wheels "screw it all" attitude and was ready to prove something to God knows who/what.  Out of frustration over yet another damned drunk in my life. I hate alcohol.  ******g devil, life stealer, love stealer, soul stealer.  I hate what it's done to my loved ones and to me.  I hate that I feel I'll be as insane as a tick in a fire my entire life because of this. I can't do this.  I surrender. I'm an alcoholic named Michelle.  I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanagable.  I believe that only a power greater than myself can relieve me of my insanity.   Now - that power needs to give me the balls to operate on logic and sense instead of fear, neurosis and emotion. Did I mention I'm pissed off? wah, Michelle

You deserve happiness and sanity in your life.. You do not have to suffer the consequences of HIS actions.   I'm so PROUD of you for not drinking..  you know that it will not make this go away.. or better.  Just keep it simple and do what is right for YOU.  Your Higher Power will help you.. I think she's already given you the knowledge to know the difference.  And now you are reaching deep to muster the courage.. you can do it When my BF relapsed and that weekend was drinking 24/2.. I know I could not live with that.. he was going to have to go back to Wisconsin as I was NOT going to tolerate living with the consequences.  I lived with one man for 7 years who had an addiction to porn *my ex-husband*.  And I was not going to go thru life with another living in his addiction.  Thank GOD Dan wanted rehab again.. and while there he FINALLY gave up and realized that he had no control over it all.  He's been advancing in the AA program now everyday and I'm so happy and proud of him.  But if he had not gone back into Rehab.. with the intent of getting his own place to get his life in order, I would have sent him on his way.  It doesn't mean I don't love him.. it means I love myself more. You can do this:love YOU

Sorry, Michelle, but you are right.  It is a no-brainer.  Of course, that doesn't mean it's an easy choice or a fun one.  Sorry you're going through it.

 

Michelle, (((((HUGS)))))  I wish there was an easier way to deal with this problem.  You know that he is unhealthy for you, and you have to do what is in your best interest.  Please take care of yourself. Hugs, Trish

BIG hugs babe...I know how much this kind of choice costs. I had to tell my husband 21 yrs ago either we stop drinking together or he leaves because I CAN'T be around that. To this day I can't.  You do whatever YOU HAVE TO TO STAY SOBER. I am so proud of you choice NOT to drink!! YOU ROCK!!! Be proud of how far you've come!! You are so strong! Posts like this inspire all of us too! Love Marie