An incredible revelation

I went to a Power Encounter this weekend, which is a Christian workshop on inner healing.  I was floored by what God revealed to me over the 2 days.  I believe I am worthless.  I never heard that in words when I was growing up.  My mother and grandmother were encouraging, verbally, most of the time.  I started to feel worthless the minute my father walked out of my life, leaving only a note saying that he wasn't coming back.  At that moment I felt that I wasn't enough.  I felt it was my fault.  I thought if only I had done something differently, or been someone different, he wouldn't have left.

And my mother became depressed and was dealing with her stuff from dad leaving, and so was unavailable emotionally and often physically.  So even though she never said it, I got the message that I was a bother, a burden.  There was no time for me.  I was not valuable.

On top of that, I loved my father, and missed him.  But everyone in the house was so angry at him that I didn't dare express my feelings about loving him or wanting him to come home.  So I got the message that my feelings were bad.  I was bad and wrong.  In my mind, something was wrong with me for loving my father and for wanting him to come home.  And something was wrong with me because he left in the first place and wasn't coming back. 

And somehow I transferred that in my adolescence to becoming bad - to acting badly.  I drank, used multiple drugs, and had multiple sex partners (like too many to count).  I became bad.  I acted out the badness.  Now my life fit who I believed I was deep down. 

And then I met my husband, who treated me like the dirty ***** that I was.  But he "loved" me anyway and wanted to marry me and wanted to stay with me.  He wouldn't leave me.  And now I feel so guilty that I have forced him to leave because I don't want to live like that anymore.  I'm not a dirty ***** anymore and don't want to be treated like one, because I have been washed clean and I have been forgiven for ALL my sins and unrighteousness.  And now God wants to heal that small child who was broken and received wrong messages and who has for years accepted lies as truth.

Oh boy, I've got some work to do.  Prayers appreciated.  I've been overeating since the weekend.

Big hugs.  Sounds like you have really been doing some thinking. Sometimes knowing the reason why doesn't help.  For *this* alcoholic anyway.  I know why I'm screwed up.  I've been to therapy.  I've done the soul searching  It's kind of as the Indigo Girls sang, I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains Theres more than one answer to these questions Pointing me in a crooked line And the less I seek my source for some definitive The closer I am to fine Some things just are.  For me it's kind of like, "ok, I get it, but now what the heck do I do about it?"  For TODAY, it's simply that I don't drink.  That's the best shot I can give myself.  BUT I *am* acting out with food - but not in the binging sense.  I'm not eating.  On purpose.  It's all about control.  I'm not weak - see?  I won't eat.  Yep - I'm sick.  I need a program.  LOL oh wait, I'm *IN* a program. See I sound drunk don't I?  ;-) I'm not being a smart ass - honest! - just letting you know that I too struggle. Love you! Michelle