I need some perspective.

Ok y'all. I'm in a good emotional place today.  But I'm confused, and I don't like that. haha  As usual, I'm going to ramble to get my thoughts organized. I haven't shared much about my ex husband but this background is kind of important.  He's bi-polar.  He's had numerous arrests for dui (5 or 6 of them), drug trafficking, shoplifting (3 of them), prowling, driving on suspended license, and many others I can't remember oft the top of my head.  I knew about 3 years into our marriage that he had some serious mental issues.  He has absolutely no impulse control, has struggled with gambling issues, shoplifting, alcohol, cocaine, etc.  A good part of this has been during the manic stages of his bipolar disorder.  Since we've divorced, he's been treated for that to varying levels of success, but he still struggles and will never have a normal productive life.  I feel kind of bad for him, but I also resent him for what I sometimes (maybe incorrectly) perceive to be a lack of character and for not helping out with the kids - especially the boys. OK - flash back to me and the kids.  I've been divorced 10 years.  We all know how my oldest son has put me through a living hell the past 4-5 years.  Well, here comes son number 2.  Jake is 13 and was diagnosed ADD/HD at around age 8.  He was born with an EXTREME level of anxiety and screamed his head off for the first 8 months of his life.  It was sheer hell.  We thought colic at first, then numerous other tests and it finally kind of calmed down.  His input overload however never really did.  He is a brilliant child and very sweet and kind.  He's REALLY been struggling in school the past few years.  He cannot complete tasks, loses everything, forgets things, doesn't stay on task, doesn't turn in assignments and drives his teachers insane.  We have him under an IEP at the school that has helped a little bit, but we are getting to a situation here now that he's 13 and has all these hormones too. Jake is of the personality where when somebody rides his ass enough, he totally breaks down and becomes defiant.  He responds much better to positive reinforcement and love and affection, but unfortunately in a school environment, he cannot be coddled all day by his 8th grade teachers.  He's most likely going to fail the 8th grade.  He would have failed the 7th if not for a near perfect score on the CRCT  (standardized test).   Yesterday he was suspended for 3 days.  He was in math class taking a test and wanted to go to the clinic (he also somatizes his anxiety - practically lives in the clinic) and the teacher would not allow it, so he wrote in "code"  (not really code - it was apparent he wanted his teacher to decipher it), "I hate Ms McKibbon", "Go to hell Ms McKibbon", "Die Ms. McKibbon Die".  Now - with today's zero tolerance deal, that is considered a terroristic threat and could land him arrested AND expelled.  His teacher told the authorities that she did not in any way feel threatened by his actions however, so he received only 3 days suspension. I am so worried about this child.  He is his father made over - and I know that I should not project that but I see every single worrysome trait I saw in his father in him.  I know something has to happen.  My boyrfriend sat me down the other night and had a long talk with me about this situation too and how much he is worried (of course I did NOT respond well to that at first - i was a real asshole to him until I got over myself). So I'm working at home for 3 days to babysit a 13 year old child because I cannot leave him unsupervised.  I'm so worried and anxious about my job.  I've had to take so much time off already dealing with the oldest and his issues, then normal kids stuff, dentist, checkups, broken toes (my daughter on halloween).  I could lose my job and then what?  (I do have another opportunity actually that is 100% telecommuting so that might be what the Universe has in store for me, but I keep fighting this - I love my job.) I'm so freaking overwhelmed I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to think. I need to get a psychiatric assessment for my son.  He's had a psychological, but I want a MD to do one now.  Of course my insurance won't pay for that.  I just spent 300 bucks for my daughter's foot breaking experience, so I don't really have that cash right now.  Christmas is coming.  I'm afraid for my son, afraid for BOTH sons, afraid of the future, and I want to just give up and run away from home like my own mother did.  How ****ty is THAT?  I won't do it but lord almighty I want to. I kicked into full OCD mode yesterday cleaning to take care of the anxiety.  I was afraid I was going to drink.  I still am.  I totally KNOW me drinking will nto help anything, will make things worse and will probably screw up the kids even worse than they are now, but there is that damn little Michelle on the left shoulder saying, "just one rum and diet..  you won't feel this anxious" I am not about to give up my sobriety because my life is unmanagable, but dammit my life is unmanagable. My sponsor is out of town.  My closest other program friend has been slipping himself over the past month (still trying though "slippery sobriety date" and all), and I could not make a meeting yesterday.  I definitely need one today. haha so, yeah i AM ok.  Honestly I'm not about to do anything stupid, I'm not an emotional wreck, but the cleaning jag, the desire to do MORE cleaning even though the house is pretty spotless, the desire to drink, the desire to eat the desire to act compulsively - all of these INSTEAD of getting creative to help my son.  Bad Michelle Bad Michelle I'm sufferring from rectal cranial inversion syndrome.  My head is totally up my ass. Deep breath. Love you guys! m

"I'm sufferring from rectal cranial inversion syndrome.  My head is totally up my ass. " Michelle hun..  my heart most certainly poors out for ya.  It's times I read these stories and thank GOD that I'm childless... but then there are other stories I read and wish I had that love of a child.  I guess we both (you and I) have a purpose in this world and as you've told me.. thank GOD we don't know what that plan is.. just try to have faith that it will work out in the end hun.  Dig deep and keep moving forward.. or if it gets TOO overwhelming.. stop.. breath.. ask for support and help.  There are so many people who are looking to pay it forward.. don't be ashamed to ask for help.  You will be doing them a favor by doing so love ya, Rhonda  

Michelle, Is your son in full time special ed, or resource room?  He may need more  services added to his IEP, and/or placement in a different learning environment, given his emotional needs.  In PA, we have learning support classes, and emotional support classes.  The learning support classes are for the kids with learning disabilities, while the emotional support classes are for kids who emotionally cannot function in a regular classroom.  As for failing, in Philadelphia, if a child has an IEP, he cannot fail a grade.  Given what you have shared, I would call the school's counselor and insist on an IEP review with a team meeting to determine what is best for your son.  Bring the psychological eval, or psychiatric eval when it is done, and discuss your son's options. My nephew, who has severe learning disabilities, developed OCD and schizoaffective disorder in high school.  My sister-in-law fought to have him placed in a special school, which the school district had to pay for, and provide daily transportation to and from.  He did very well there.  You and your son have rights, and you have the right to advocate for your son to have the most appropriate learning environment for his academic and behavioral needs. Call me if you need to talk.  215-750-1619 Hugs, Trish

You've got so much on your plate that it makes ME want to run away!!!  And I totally hear you because I've lived it.  All 4 of my kids had special needs, and all 4 had IEPs.  It took some doing, and years of trial and error, but they finally each found their niche.  Son #1 ended up graduating high school from a very small academy (5 students).  Son #2 ended up graduating from a behavioral health alternative high school.  My 2 daughters are currently doing cyber school (connectionsacademy.com).   The school may have to pick up the tab for your child's psychiatric evaluation.   I'm thinking your son may need an out of district placement in a more positive and nurturing environment.  You'll have to meet with an IEP team to figure out what thsoe options might be in your area. 

Sorry I'm not more help.  I feel your pain.