So just what is "NORMAL" anyway?

As usual my 4 am thoughts are kind of muddled and I'm using my posting to sort through them. I guess I'm about to rant and describe what might eventually drive me OUT of the AA program. Before I joined AA, I had a pretty wide network of acquaintances - some of them problem drinkers, some of them completely normal and addiction free.  Upon joining AA, my entire social world seemed to revolve around people in the program, which was really good considering I needed that guidance from those who had managed to get sober using the steps.  Now I question whether or not this is so good for me.  If you hang around crazy people long enough, your whole perception of normalcy changes significantly.  I already have a disease of perception, and this is making it really hard to be objective. I've made some very dear friends in the program.  Some of these people have "gone back out" again as they say and made a personal decision to drink or use again over the last year.  What sickens me is the GOSSIP and judgement exhibited by those people still "IN" the program.  I mean, sometimes the entire meeting topic is centered on somebody "going back out" - names and all.  This is really off putting to me.  For one thing, it's made me question the emotional safety of my home group.  If I got into a bad spot and relapsed, one thing is 100% certain.  I would isolate; I would hide and I would NEVER show my face around any of those people again.  I trust none of them. I got into a heated discussion with someone in the program recently about not being the "AA Police".  I'm a firm beliver in "doing ME" and letting others make their own choices and discover their own path.  I do believe that there are numerous paths to recovery.  Well this particular acquaintance seems to be oh so worried about who is doing what - to the point of speculating about whether somebody is not being "HONEST" and is really drinking ****il somebody tells me so or I see it, I don't consider it my business).  He said he wanted to phone them up and "call them out".  I told him that was dead wrong.  AA is the kind of program in which you have to humble yourself and ASK FOR HELP.  While it is ok to call and check on somebody as a friend and ask if they need anything, getting confrontational with people is not what it's about.   I see people for whom I care deeply being judged, gossipped about and basically shunned by the group.  Shunned.  For instance, I mentiond to somebody the other day, "Joe (named changed) could really use some support right now. Why don't you call him up and take him fishing like y'all used to do".  The response I got was, "Joe is "back out there".  I can't play with Joe".   Well for ONE thing, that is projection - there is no factual basis for that statement.  TWO - isn't this a sick and suferring alcoholic like myself?  Wouldn't it be easier to get back to the program if he felt love and welcoming in the hearts of its members? I look at the program kind of like I look at my spirituality.  I do NOT go around preaching my particular version of spirituality.  Instead, I try to incorporate my spiritual principles into my life and actions.  If somebody "wants what I have" and asks me, I'm happy to share my thoughts.  Otherwise, I believe that being kind, tolerant and loving is paramount.  Period. Another dear friend of mine has quit the program.  Her explanation to me is a logical one, although it's HER perception and not necessarily mine.  She cites the same people issues as I mention.  She cites the need to be a "NORMAL PERSON"  (I'm always lamenting that I'll never be normal again).  She cites the need for a "normal life" in which she works, goes to church, her kids' school functions etc.  She told me it was depressing that her entire social network consisted of very emotionally sick people.  I totally understand what she's saying there.  She told me she needed to admit to me that she had a glass of wine with her dinner two weeks ago.  I told her, "I'm not the AA police and I'm pretty sure "NORMAL" people don't feel the need to get honest about that sort of thing - it never occurs to them to mention it".  We had a good laugh about that.  I just told her I understood where she's coming from and trusted that she knew what to do if her life became unmanagable.  I told her I love her and I'm here if she needs me.  This will NOT affect whether or not I talk to her again. I understand that some people at various stages of sobriety are on such a precarious slippery slope that they really need to use the judgement and shunning behaviors as a means of self-preservation.  That doesn't make it right however. So I sit here thinking to myself, "maybe I need to change my home group".  My sponsor has 23 years of sobriety.  She is NOT like these people.  I chose her because I truly wanted what she has.  She WORKS The program as it was intended to be worked.  She loves, she accepts, she encourages and I've never ONCE heard her share gossip about any of its members.  This is the example I choose to follow. After all - I just want to be a normal person. Love you guys! Michelle

Interesting viewpoint.  I know lots of people who practically live in AA and it works for them.  As for me, I belong to a group called Celebrate Recovery.  It is a Christ-centered 12-step program.  And our program tells us that it is NOT a lifetime commitment.  It is a short-term commitment to meetings, BUT the work of the 12 steps is never done, as you know.  I am always doing my steps 10, 11 and 12, but 12 does not always mean staying at CR and helping in that way.  There are other ways to carry the message to others and to help and support people in trying to overcome their hurts, habits and hangups.  I've had to take breaks from my group because of similar feelings.  It's a really wonderful group of people and they never gossip at the meetings, BUT I often find myself getting depressed because some people struggle with the same things week after week, for years.  I oftentimes need to be in an upbeat atmosphere where people are SUCCEEDING! 

So, all that to say that I get what you mean.  I hear what you're saying.  I understand what you're talking about.  My only advice is not to do anything that will jeopardize your own sobriety and abstinence.  If you need meetings, go to them.  If you need daily contact with a sponsor, then make those calls.  You have to figure out what works for you.

And now, I'm just curious... how long have you been attending AA, and do you attend one meeting or a few (or several) different ones?

 

I've been attending for about a year and a half.  I attend approximately 4 different groups/meetings but I do live in a small town area and there is a lot of cross over - so everybody kind of knows everybody else etc.

I have no intention of ever abandoning my sponsor.  I have no intention of giving up on the steps and principles of the program  Those things have saved my behind.  I do think it's time however to branch out socially in other areas that aren't necessarily recovery based.  Maybe I need some new hobbies etc.  We have a CR group at my own church and I've been a couple of times.  I do enjoy that group, but to be 100% honest, my version of God is a bit different from what the CR group puts forth.  My church is non demonitational, so spiritually, it is the best fit for me, but when I break it down to my personal relationship with my higher power, it is not a traditional Judeo-Christian God to whom I relate.  Color me a bit more old world - meets new age in my spirituality.

I guess I'm on a journey.  Nothing is going to be suitable for me for all of eternity.  Journey's are defined by change.  I just suppose I'm worried about these thoughts as they are contradictory to the dogma preached by AA - that i'm going to need meetings for the rest of my life or I'll drink again, etc.  I'm getting the principles mixed up with the personalities, and I need to rethink.  :)

 

thanks for the food for thought,

Michelle

Wow...:(  Sounds like your group has an ego complex. Do you feel strong enough to look for a new group now?  I have no frame of reference since I didn't do the group thing...just the step thing :)  I totally understand how you feel Michelle. I get pretty testy when a few members insist Im' a dry drunk because I don't go to meetings. THEY didn't walk in my shoes, I did. I did each step and fought for my sobriety. I understand how people talk about others. When  read your post all I could think was that hteyr'e feeling holier than thou. People can be real ugly sometimes. We;re all guilty of that. I'm sorry you had to be witness to the ugly side of life today. Model yourself after your sponsor. :) She's got the right idea. :) Marie

"Normal" is the setting on the clothes dryer.

I don't want to have anything to done with 'normal'. I embrace my insanity...after all...it is in God's hands. I prefer to be a little ecentric, off-kilter and different. I don't like labels of any kind....good or bad....as people tend to live up or down to their labels. I know I spent most of my life doing just that. Some of the labels put on me, some self-imposed.

When I turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand Him, and turn out a little not-normal, how do I argue with that? I am exactly as I should be at all times....and that includes striving for spiritual progress.

As for the groups and it's members, we all lead by example....good or bad....I know I've been on both sides. Finally after truly trying to embrace LOVE and TOLERANCE as our code, I spend more time on acceptance and less on judging/gossiping/critizing/joking at other's expense.

Some of us are sicker than others. As your post clearly illustrates, it's the QUALITY of our sobriety....not the length of our sobriety that is important. You've already 'gotten' what some may never understand.

It's been my experience some groups are healthier than others and thankfully, I am free to attend others until I'm where I need to be.

One last thought, this sounds like a great meeting topic or a subject for a group conscience meeting. Someone who needs to hear it will hear it. Guaranteed!

You're awesome, Michelle. In the end, everything is between you and God.

Love you, girl!

Karen

 

 

Hi Michelle, I have always been a fringe person in the meetings.  I do not get enmeshed with the people in the rooms at all.  I saw what it did to my sister, and I got scared.  I attend my meetings.  I talk to people after the meeting.  I have a few phone numbers and call for support or to support them.  We have no gossip at my meetings.  To gossip is to do someone's inventory for them.  That is between them and their Higher Power.   Before you chuck the whole AA program, try detaching from that meeting and finding a healthier meeting.  Notice I did not say healthy meeting.  I do not believe that there is a perfectly healthy meeting.  I just believe that some are healthier than others, just as there are some that are sicker than others. Hang in there. Hugs, Trish