Lions, and Tigers and Bears - OH MY!

Good morning family. I come to you today with a much appreciated sense of humor.  I'm not sure it's whether it's appropriate or borderline maniacal, but either way, I'll take it over the cursing and pouting and fussing I've been doing. Forget squirrels - my mental-squirrel-trap is on to bigger and better game!  Lions, tigers and bears - oh my!  We won't be starving for meat this winter! Ok - so I'm working through this stuff.  I'm talking to my sponsor.  I'm going to meetings.  I'm using my phone list.  I'm trying to stay in the NOW, do the next right thing, put first things first and an infinite other recovery cliches. I guess it's working - I'm sober again today - thank GOD. Mollier was a French palywright who specialized in the Farce.  I love his works - I love a good farce.  Mollier ain't got **** on Michelle!  I'm finding my daily life to be quite the comedy of errors.   While posting in response to the addiction transfer message this morning, I realized that I haven't truly shared that whole throwing up thing with you guys - or anybody really.  I mean my sponsor knows somewhat - I chose her specifically because in addition to 20 years sobriety, she also has battled eating disorders (bulemia etc) and she DOES understand.  The universe sent me a true angel in this sponsor - like she was sent here just for me. So here's where I'm at.  I still want to drink.  BAD.  I haven't wanted a drink this bad since my first 3 months of sobriety.  I've sat and had these crazy looping thoughts where my brain says, "you know you're going to drink again sooner or later"  "no I'm not"   "sure you are - just a matter of time"  "no I'm not"  "sure you are"  "fuck you brain I'm not"  "haha you're funny"   (yes crazy) So - I think I narrowed down the WHY I want a drink so bad.   I was fooling myself into thinking I can live like "normal" people.  I was fooling myself into thinking I could handle a relationship with somebody in the same ocean as me (maybe the same boat but that's not my call).  I was fooling myself into thinking I was better at coping with feelings I often cannot even identify.  My ego does not like knowing it's been fooled.  It's not nice to fool mother ego. I talked to my boyfriend Wed night for a long time about my feelings.  I don't do that y'all.  Michelle does not mention vulnerable feelings.  Nope - too easy for somebody to GET me.  So - that was astronomically difficult for me.  But - in the talking, I began to realize that for my entire adult life, the way I avoided taking those feelings out and looking at them was to suppress, forget and medicate them - voila!  feelings gone/hidden - no problem.  I'm feeling a bunch of really wiggy feelings and just like you get conditioned to wan****er when thirsty, sleep when tired etc, I've gotten conditioned to get ****faced when vulnerable, unsure of myself or when my poor little ego has had a wake up call. My boyrfirend is a sweet man.  a good man.  He's ****** up just like me God bless him.  I still am not sure how this is going to go - I'm not sure if I'm ready to be involved at this level because of how *I* get - I won't even pin it on any of his actions or non-actions.  I'm realizing that it's me that is the problem here.  He really was helpful the other night though - in helping me identify feelings, and fears, and explain a little bit about why I feel so insane lately.  Then I had the epiphany last night of realizing that he reminds me of my father - only a kinder gentler version of my father - who is much more in tune and expressive about his emotions.  OY Vey - hello Freud! Ok - so that's where I'm at.  I'm nuttier than a pay day bar.  BUT  I'm sober today.  and this too shall pass. In the end it will end. It will be over when it's over. Look out for that yellow snow. *maniacal giggle* I love you guys, Michelle

Funny Interesting Profound Extremely helpful to my own insight Will help me stay sober today (day 5) - Thanks

Hey Michelle, You make total sense to me.  I get anxious being vulnerable with my therapist, and he and I have been working together for 18 years.  I can't imagine if I ever have the opportunity to have a relationship with a man as you describe.  That is probably why I prefer relationshipless sex with Frank.  No vulnerability with emotions. I am so glad you shared because it helps me know that I am not alone in hating vulnerability, regardless of with whom.   After 6 years sober, and 18 years of therapy and recovery, I still have spells where I want to drink, really, really want to drink.  Dealing with the emotions can suck sometimes.  Problem is, they are just feelings, and they will pass.   One thing I am learning is to change my thinking about situations, and I can change how I feel about that situation.  I sometimes use Ellis's REBT for that.  It goes something like this: A= The activating event.  Example:  My boss reprimands me for an innocent mistake. B= My belief about that event.  Example:  I am a lousy employee.  I am worthless. C= Consequence of that belief.  Ex:  I feel bad about myself and I want to drink. D= Dispute of that belief.  Ex: I am human and I make mistakes.  Nobody died because of that mistake.  Boss was probably having a bad day, and took it out on me. E: Effect.  Ex:  I don't feel as bad about myself when I put it into persective. This takes practice.  One summer, I journaled it, and it helped me train myself in thinking about it. You can Google Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy to learn more about it.  One caveat:  Ellis is an atheist, and does not believe in spiritual solutions to addictions. Hope this makes sense. Hugs, Trish

 

I TOTALLY understand.. I'm glad to know that I too am not alone.. actually Karen (GOD love her) helped me wrestle a bear yesterday..  and now I love her too.. take care Michelle and thanks so much for sharing