Telling on my Disease

Preface:  I am so very grateful that I have some TOOLS that I can use to get through feelings like this.   I'm in an icky place.  I'm restless, irritable and discontent.  I've been having numerous acting out thoughts, but most of them involve drinking.  I *have* been acting out with food, and thank GOD I do dump with too much sugar, because the ice cream binge last night really kicked my ass and made me realize what I was doing. Yanno - I'm tired of being all f&&ked up.  My stinking thinking is petulant about having this life-sentence of addictive behavior and thought.  My disease is in the corner doing pushups and whispering sweet nothings into my ear.  I'm overwhelmed and want to just say "screw it all". I'm kind of pissed off at myself.  I'm letting people places and things have control over my EMOTIONAL sobriety - mostly people.  I'm losing my focus.  I'm floundering and longing for escape.   I don't know how to have a mature and healthy adult romantic relationship.  Granted, I've gotten lots better but I'm very clear that I don't know what in the hell I'm doing in that department.  I'm taking on too much of my sweetheart's angst.  My neurosis has kicked into high gear and and I'm on an insanity roller coaster that is stuck in FAST and the operator has gone to lunch.   My oldest son makes me abo****ely and completely insane.  Thank God we have a counseling session tonight. I want to drink, get high, go out  to a nightclub and gather male attention, eat a cheesecake, break something, scream, cry, screw something up real good.  (not all at once or necessarily in that order ;-)  ) My gut reaction is to withdraw from the world for a while.  Just hide in the house - no phone, no human interaction, sleep a few days..  Stinking thinking.    Bad Michelle There's a noon meeting near my office.  I'm going to go and share where I'm at - listen - absorb.  I did call my sponsor.  We're meeting tomorrow night.  I *am not* going to do anything stupid today.  That's the best I can do.  today.  no stupidity.  today.  take care of michelle.  today.  turn the fricking blackberry off and give myself some space.  today.  hang on tight and put my head between my knees for the rocky landing.  today.  keep working it. Bah - I'm pissed off.  I'm always going to struggle with this bull****  Bah again! Ok, climbing down off my pity pot.  I'm blessed and I know it.  This bad spell while sober is better than most good spells while drunk.  There is nothing so troublesome that acting out would make better.  I know this.  Stupid disease. I'm surrendering - ok God, I get it - powerless, gotcha - loud and clear!  Roger Wilco and **** me thank you. ;-) I love you guys and I'm glad I have you here to spew out my bile. Locking myself in my meditative reflecting tunnel of white light, Michelle

*talk to the hand...sees-ter *  lol..  oh Michelle.. I so much feel for what you are going thru.  With the relationship... as if relationships aren't hard enough.. throw drinking in on it.. and trying to control our own drinking and then someone elses.. or if not controlling and still drinking.. it's pure hell. 

When Dan went thru first rehab and I went sober too.. I was oh so supportive.. we were doing this together.. how special is THAT.  lol.. and then he relapsed and hid it.. but not so well that I was going nuts suspecting.. and having flashbacks from ex-husbands addiction to porn and hiding it.. and swearing that I would never deal with THAT type of lifestyle again.  The playing private detective..  paranoia.. just feeling like plain **** with anxiety of coming home and wondering what new DRAMA will there be.   Well finally the story unfolded with Dan's relapse.. it all came out and I wanted him gone.. I was NOT going to live with it.  I was not going to coddle and be oh so supportive this time.  I cared.. but damn it, if you don't do it for you.. I can't be there *was my attitude*   Well.. after a 2nd bout of inpt-rehab and a spiritual awakening.. and me going to ALANON.. and getting over my ANGER and learning some about relapses and allowing another to work their own path of recovery.. he's still here.  It is not easy..  but getting easier.  It is MUCH easier to allow someone to follow their own path to recovery when they are not in a loving relationship with us.  For some reason it's much easier to tell a person on here, who said they slipped, that it's okay.. to get back on track and try again...  yet *I'm* much harder on the one I love and live with..  I want no slips or relapses.. only cuz I don't want that stress in MY life.  So we *I* try to control... and that's not good either..  Dan and I read "one day at a time" out loud to each other every morning.. he goes to his meetings.. me to mine and sometimes we go together.  Mind you I'm sure it's getting easier for me now.. just because I believe he's not drinking.. and hiding it.  But I can't tell you how I will handle it if he should slip/relapse.. and thankfully for right now.. I don't have to worry about THAT.  Guess that's part of what they mean about .. One day at a time!! Love ya hun.. hang in there and get outta that hole and back into the white light!!  

OH GEORGE  YOU MIRROR MY LIFE AND MY TIMES...HUSBAND KEEPS TELLING ME THEY ARE JUST CHOICES.  CRAZY AFTER ALL THIS TIME...KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

Boy, can I relate to the insanity of this disease big time.  I have not had a healthy relationship with a guy in my life.  I doubt I am capable of it, but still hold out hope of being able to do so someday. I hope your session witih Sonny Boy was productive last night.  I had some family sessions with my kids when I was in treatment for my eating disorder two years ago.  It helped tons. Hang in there.  Whatever you do, DON"T DRINK!!!!! Hugs, Trish