Feeling the F***ing Feelings

One year ago today, my precious baby brother died suddenly of massive blood clots in his lungs at the age of 40.  I just returned from a restaurant where his buddies, all from the bar down the street, organized a dinner in his memory.  The dinner was at a restaurant my brother was manager at in his career.  I got there during ****tail hour, where the drinks were flowing liberally.  Neil, baby bro, worked part time at the bar down the street, as his best friend was the manager.  I didn't stay for dinner, as I had already eaten before I learned of the event.  I was a little pissed that my sister failed to tell me about it till an hour before they were going. I miss my brother terribly and it hurts so much right now, I want to act out.  Frank called tonight before my sister came over.  He just does not give up.  I also want to cut and drink right now, anything not to feel this deep sadness I am experiencing at the moment.  My heart is racing, and I am having an anxiety attack in the worst way.   I called my mom when I got home.  Then, I called my older son.  I want to call my other kids.   I have not been to a meeting in over a week.  I just cannot get out of bed in the morning.  I have absolutely no time in the evenings with my jobs.  I am suffering from extreme physical exhaustion, and feel like I am going to collapse soon.  I have not had a day off since Columbus Day.  I also have not called my sponsor.  Probably would be a good idea to do that someday soon.  I keep thinking I will get up in the morning and get to the meeting, and then I wake up late and don't get to my meeting.   I have to get going.  I guess I should cry, but I am afraid if I start, I won't be able to stop.  That is my big fear about crying. 

Crying is about life girl and not necessarily a bad thing to do. Pat, it is a feeling and whether good or bad YOU are feeling. Its ok to feel which we have a tendency not to want to do. Call someone, get out of the house and not isolate (boy do i know how to do that girl) and feel whether good or bad. Feel the air, the breeze, the sun and live .Hang tight and Take it one moment, hour and yes day at a time................I dont live too very far from you so pm me if you like..............Sharon

Sometimes the things you share make me totally wonder if we are the same person.  I'm so grateful for you.  I hate that you are in pain but I'm so encouraged to see you working through it.  You are an example to me, a real person and I love you for that. {{{{{hugs}}}}}} No real words of wisdom to offer other than "this too shall pass", but that always ****** me off when people say that - it sounds flippant. I think the sick part of our heads desire to marinate in our angst.  Let the smart part who knows what she should do kick the sick part's ass.  (I'm taking my own advice here or trying to). Love you my sister, Michelle

Trish, crying is a lot less painful than keeping it in.  I so admire your strength and courage!  Have you taken your anti-anxiety meds? Thoser are supposed to help with the anxious feelings right? Please call me if you need to talk! Email me if you need my cell again! Much love, Marie

Thinking of you.. and all you are struggling with.. it's a BIG PLATE.. try to keep it simple if you can.  I know sometimes we have no choice in the matter.. someone keeps piling stuff on our plates.   Just remember tho.. if you don't get to a meeting to get your *medicine*.. you may eventually not have those jobs to worry about...  SOBRIETY first hun. Take care of yourself too.. sometimes.. with all the running around.. and meetings.. and overtime.  I think .."what about ME.. when do I get to rest.. I'm tired."  And somehow... it works out.. the meetings that I dread going to I'm so thankful I went to cuz they rejuvenated me.  Altho overtimes still sucks tho..  until I see the paycheck and that rejuvenates me too..  so maybe it's just the skunk thinking that's trying to get me to stop what's working so far.   Hang in there Trish.. and just keep reaching out!!  Love YOU

Hang in there Trish.  Make time for meetings...they are the only things that really confort me...if only to remind me that someone else has it worse off than me. Sometimes I'm more grateful for things the DON'T have, then for the things that I do have. I'll light a candle of you.

DarDar