I DUNNO..

is it wrong of me to not have called my sponsor.. I saw her last on Wednesday at a meeting and we left with her saying.. "call me.. " and I said OK.  And I didn't..  I have thought of her.. Friday I went to a AA meeting with Dan.. and thought of her being at her son's football game.. and then on Saturday as it was their Home Coming.  I went out with Dan Saturday and we were out all day.. and had a good time.. and didn't get in until late.   Sunday we stayed in.. all day which is rare for us lately.  But I didn't think once to call her.. and then I didn't think to read my AA boo****il it was late.  I should have.. I'm procrastinating.. sitting on my hands.. and not doing what I wanted a sponsor for.. helping me with the Steps. So now I'm feeling a little anxiety.. cuz I know I need to call her now.. altho I will be seeing her at the AA meeting tonight.  But I will call.. but I feel kinda ****ty for just not following thru.. I've not been drinking or even WANT to drink.  But feel I'm not living up to what I should be doing either.. *sigh* I need to be motivated or held accountable again.. this is not hard work.. but it is hard work.. it would so much easier to just not drink and do what I want..  kinda self-centered huh.. hugsss with LOVE

I have said before that I didn't do meetings. I'm stone cold sober for 21 years now and still don't go. I don't recommned this for everyone. While I didn't go to meetings, it would've been SO MUCH EASIER if I had. I had no sponsor, no network, just a copy of the Big Book and the desire and knowledge that I was face first in this disease and had to climb my way OUT of the bottle if I wanted to live. I made my choice. You made yours! Sometimes it's hard for me to relate to some of the postings on here. Do you feel guilty for not calling? Or not wanting to? You had a busy weekend and that's the way life works soemtimes. I'm sure if you see your sponsor and explain she'll understand.   Marie

Alright miss rebel. The whole reason sponsorship is so encouraged in the program is that it FORCES us to be vulnerable and ask for help.  It teaches us to reach out.  We're not wired up to reach out.  We have these huge fricking egos that wish to be completely self-sufficient. Being self-sufficient is what earned my my chair on the alcoholic's bench.  Count to 100, pick up the phone and just say "hello I'm calling because I know I should so hello"  LOL  I do that to my sponsor sometimes and she thinks it's funny, but encourages me because she knows I will eventually call.  I've got a bunch of mess to dump on her tomorrow night and my idiot mind keeps trying to come up with every excuse in the book to cancel our meeting.  I.... WILL....  LET...... SOMEBODY.... HELP..... ME..... grrrrrr  love you girl, Michelle

UMM.. you gave me more to think on.. being self sufficient.. same as controlling.. same as independent.. *to me*.. except at different levels.  When growing up.. I always felt coddled.. like I was not capable of doing *stuff*.. I think my mom coddled me.. perhaps of her own fear.  When I was 12 I had a major surgery.  I'm sure that scared her..  So I always felt.. like I was *slow* and didn't catch on as quickly like my sister.  Example.. driving.  Mom always made me feel like I would not beable to learn to drive as well as my sister who did without any problem.  I did learn.. but she made me feel inadequate.. not on purpose tho.. just from coddling.  So as I gained my independence.. I gained control... and vowed to be self sufficient.  And altho a good thing.. too much of a good thing is a bad thing too.. *I'm thinking..*

thanks for giving me this to think on today.. I need to learn to let go sometimes.. and THAT is hard for me to do.  That is one of my character flaws.. if you haven't noticed already..