Nucking Futs

I feel like I am just losing my mind.  Something happened at work today which brought back a memory of my old school, and stirred up anxiety about being written up for not being able to handle the kids.  That happened at my old school two years ago.  I do not believe that I am in danger of being written up, but I am new at this school and have no clue at this point.   So, of course, I came home with my brain just spinning, anxiety level through the roof, and feeling like acting out with everything I have.  I have not acted out, but I really, really want to in the worst way.  I haven't eaten over it, even though want to.  I thought about drinking, but that is out.  Tempted to call Frank, but my schedule is just too busy to fit him in at this point.  Cutting is always on my mind, but my therapist would kick my butt up one side and down the other if I do that again.  I am already in for it for last Thursday, as I have not seen him yet since. So, tonight I was taking trash and recycling out to the dumpster, and the smell in the air brought back the painful memories of my brother's death a year ago this Monday.  Then, my sister stopped by tonight and asked me if I wanted to help her pick out a headstone for his grave sometime soon.  No, I do not want to pick out a headstone, I want my brother back.  I did not say that, but I thought it.   Did I mention that I attended my first AA meeting in October 1989? I have to get going.  The squirrels are really loose. Speaking of squirrels.  I was driving through a neighborhood this evening, and this rascally squirrel had grabbed an ear of corn off a corn stalk that was on someone's yard for a seasonal display.  Stupid thing ran right in front of my car, and I hit my brakes and prayed I didn't hit him.  Thank God I saw the silly rodent scamper off into the woods. Hugs, Trish

 I'm glad your squirrel made it.. last week I was looking out my window at work.. and watched one run right into a vehicle and didn't make it poor stupid squirrel.. I had a tear in my eye. keep busy Trish.. practice what you post hun.. and you will make it thru this rough patch.. how about that nice relaxing .. then off to bed for some good night sleep.

I am better tonight.  I just have a migraine now, but did not act out.   Hugs, Trish

I am glad to hear you didn't act out -- and didn't hit the squirrel.  LOL.  It's funny how the brain works -- a smell or event or something else can trigger a memory, and the memory triggers emotions, and then the emotions trigger cravings.  I find it so hard to get my brain under control!  I'm using the writing exercise you gave me.  I had a better day yesterday thanks to your idea!  I like what someone else said:  Practice what you post.  You've really helped me in this journey.  I'll be praying for your peace of mind today!

Thanks Jill, I am much better tonight, minus the migraine.  My booty call friend called tonight, and I was able to honestly say, I had a headache and could not meet with him.  LOL  God works in mysterious ways. Hugs, Trish

Hang in there. Talk to someone in your network or call your sponsor.  Go to an AA meeting....even if you have to cut something else out to do it. Gather your nuttz and honker down. Your just going through a rough patch.  This too shall pass....really it will. DarDar

Thanks Dar, I thought I got up in time for my meeting this morning, and realized I was not in time, but an hour behind.  I was disoriented for an hour this morning.  I hope to get to tomorrow's meeting.  I am much better tonight.  I just have a migraine, instead of the emotional chaos. Hugs, Trish

Hang in there Girl and take it one step at a time. If you cant take it step by step take it slow but hang in there.............. Hug..... Sharon

Thanks, Sharon, I am doing better tonight.  Not great, but better.  I didn't act out, and I am glad I didn't. Hugs, Trish