Ramblings

1. My Beach Trip - Oh my GOSH y'all it was so awesome!  I had the most wonderful relaxing time.  It was everything I'd hoped for and more. 2.  I read the book, "A MIllion Little Pieces".  I don't really care which parts of the book that the author embellished; it was a pretty true portrayal of recovery.  I got a lot out of it. 3.  My boyfriend.  sigh.  Things get swirly and confused.  I'm struggling as I sit here this morning with seperating ME and my sobriety from HIM and his.  I'm not just talking about the act of drinking, but emotional sobriety as well.  He has a lot of drama going on with his ex right now.  She is using his kids as ammunition and all the nice uglies that go with a volitile ex situation.  She spent the entire day yesterday harassing him, having other family members harass him, and generally making him absolutely miserable.  The part that really gets to me is that he actively engaged and participated in that misery for the entire day.  He forwarded me the texts back and forth all day long, gave me the blow by blow and around 7 or so declared to me, "fuck it I'm going to go get a bottle of whiskey".  Well - two things stick out.  One, like I said, he actively engaged in this.  Two, he made a conscious decision when it go to be too much to drink over it.   My feelings for him have not changed, but my perspective is changing a little bit.  He is not ready for a relationship with me.  He is not available for a relationship with me.  I am not ready to go through this kind of worry and angst over somebody else's actions and turmoil.  Those are the facts.  The more ambiguous facts however are that we already *are* in a relationship, and this all came on the heels of a wonderful trip together where I was feeling stronger than ever about our situation. It is not my place to diagnose another or to proclaim them addict/alcoholic or to orchestrate somebody's recovery and state of sobriety.  I am aware that this man is not my ex husband logically, although there is a very real fear of going down that crazy road again.  Ok - I guess the long and short of it is that I'm *not* ok with the coping skills (or lack thereof) he used yesterday and I need to sort out logic from emotion and figure out what actions I want to take and if actions are necessary at all to protect myself. He made two choices yesterday I really don't agree with.  1 - to participate in the drama for a solid 8 hours.  2 - to drink over it when it got to be too much.  It's almost as though he needed to have the drama so he could drink.  Again - I know it's not my place to make those assumptions, but I've been around the program long enough to be painfully aware of how we alcoholics/addicts do this. He talked to me a while before bed and expressed his sadness at disappointing me and his desire to not ever "lose me".  All I could really say is that we could talk about it in a few days when my mind regained some control over my emotions.  I needed to detatch a bit first before having a conversation about the day's events. So is this affecting MY sobriety?  no.  However, I'm not really ready to sign on for a long train ride into insanity with him.  I'm trying to move away from those patterns in my own life.  I'm trying to love ME first and the rest of the world second.   I guess I just needed to type out these thoughts to un-tangle them a bit. Nothing has changed - but everything has changed - how dramatic huh? Love you guys, Michelle

I can relate to your feelings very much.. 

it's hard when two people are in a relationship.. and trying to allow each to work thru their own path of recovery..  also when two people are alcoholics with many of the same character defects.. like controlling.. and self centered.   Altho I love Dan.. and know that he must follow his own path.. and I mine.. I'm not sure if I can ever allow myself to live with him if he should relapse again.  I will love him.. unconditionally.. but I don't think I will allow myself to live with him.  I don't ever want to live in that drama.. or suffer the consequences of his drinking again.  I know I'm not perfect.. I may relapse myself someday *GOD I pray not*.. but if I should.. it will be up to him to decide if HE would want to live with me then.. he would have every reason not too.. and in my sobriety now, I can see why a person would not want to and should not. what Dan and I have now is wonderful..  so I'm just trying to live in the moment.. TODAY.  I try not to worry about later.. as I have no control over it.. actually I find when I do worry too much.. I find out I had nothing to worry about.. it was wasted anxiety/stress.  I'm still learning.. and it is difficult.  We both are fairly new at this.. and from what I understand.. it's going to be a veryyyy longgg road.   I hope.. Whatever you decide with your boyfriend, it must be the right decision for YOU.. and if he loves you he will want the best for you.. even if in his drinking he doesn't see that now.  You seem to be thinking very smart on this.. and not going just by emotions.. you are weighing the pros/cons.  While we don't want to judge another.. we also cannot allow ourselves to be caught up in the drama to where our life becomes unbearable again.   best wishes.. and I'm so glad you were able to enjoy your vacation

 

Hi Michelle, I am so glad you had a good trip, and so sorry that you are involved in a relationship with a drama king.  That's a shame.  I am not sure I could stay with someone like that.  Having been single and not involved for years, I love the lack of drama in my life right now.   Stay safe and keep working on the sanity part of your recovery. Hugs, Trish