warning-kinda long, but need input

Good Morning to you all, My name is Jamie and I am codependent. I thought long and hard all the way to work this morning, andfelt that this was really my best place to post this to maybe get the best feedback. I live with my boyfriend, who is an alcholic, has almost 4 mos sober this time around, and he has been having so many issues, with his addiction "talking" to him constantly, many many unrational fears, etc. While he recognizes that is what is going on, and is trying very hard to battle it (1 meeting a week, no sponser, no step work) it has and continues to cause many bad days in my household. I notice that when his addiction rears its head, my codependent behaviors rear up right aloong side of it. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone but me, but alot of the time, it feels like there are 3 parties in this relationship and party #3(the addiction) definalty doesn't want us to be together, because if he were single, maybe his addiction could "get him back"--does that make any sense, or do i just sound crazy??? anyway, there have been many days lately that i am just tired of the whole dance and really questioning if i even want this relationship, is any of this addiction crap ever gonna get better, etc. On top of that, being the codependent that I truly am, I am also working on some issues with my mom, and the difficulties that both of these relationships cuase with the other...I just always feel cuaght in the middle-you know the routine, i'm sure. I bring this up becuase of a problem I had last night.  My parents were coming in from vacation, and i was to pick them up at the airport, flight arriving 10:15 pm, so I ask Frank if he would ride in with me to pick them up. He says "no" (basically because of all of the on going issues on both parts) and says just go and come back home. Anyway, it's about a 50 minute drive, so I leave to go get them. Flight ends up being about 10 minutes late, and another 20 miuntes waiting for their luggage. so now, an hour and 15 minutes after i left the house, he calls me "where are you?",  me "just getiing my parents into the car" him "what the f***? you know what, now we have a problem" me, trying to be just calm in front of my parents "ok, well then, i'll see you when i get home"  so i take my parents home, them feeling bad to have causes trouble, me saying oh, no no trouble, just his issue, not mine ha ha... so i get home, he has locked the bedroom door, so  i sleep on the couch, this morning, he won't talk to me, till he is almost ready to leave the house, says i'm acting shady, if i'm messing around with someone else, just tell him, don't play games, on and on...i tell him i'm not, wasn't my fault about the time, thhisng i had no control over, etc, says whatever, he doesn't believe me, etc. now mind you, my head understands that it is his addiction, insecurity, fear, whatever talking to him, but what about how crappy it makes me feel, knowing i didn't do anything wrong, and still getting crapped on...ok, great, now i'm crying about in all over again-damn it... thank god i have a therapy appointment today, but i am just feeling so bad and tired and angry at his stupid addiciton-which is all about my own codependent demon. i did my daily bible reading, my "language of letting go" reading and my alanon reading, so i'm trying to understand today that it is his pile of crap, i just need to step over it, keep my side cleaned up, it is just hard when i know i didn't do anything wrong and still feel like crap. i guess enough rambling from me...any thoughts, anyone?? jamie 

Jamie, I am sorry that you are in this relationship.  The only advice I can give you is to attend Al-Anon and get out of the relationship.  He is not really trying to work his program.  You said he only attends one meeting a week, and does not have a sponsor, nor is he doing any step-work.  That is not really trying to battle his addiction.  He is in, what I like to call, a dry drunk.   You are not married to him, and you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally mature and healthy.  Cut your losses and get out.  Hugs, Trish

Go to an Alanon..  work your steps.. pray.. see if the Serenity Prayer will help you find the answer you need.. maybe not want.. but need.   You deserve a life of happiness without drama.. and as Trish said.. if he's not willing to work his program..  you will not find a life without drama.. (IMO). wishing you the best and happiness.. feel free to post here again

Thank you for sharing all this, Jamie. I have a few disconnected thoughts in response to your post.  I'm sharing them with love and compassion, so please excuse them if they sound cold or clinical. 1.  Statistically speaking, a man who expects you to account for every single second of your time or risk "punishment" will escelate this behavior into physical abuse at some point in the future.  He set you up.  He refused to go with you and then punished you because the trip took how long it took.  That is mental brutality at the very least. 2.  The codependant label is a cop-out.  It's an excuse to say, "I'd like to leave, but I'm codependent and I need fixing".  I've BEEN THERE and DONE THAT, so I feel qualified to say so :-)  I was married to an alcoholic/addict for almost 10 years - finally been divorced longer than I was married.  Now that those doggone trees are out of the way, the forest can be seen clearly. 3.  If the price of admission so to speak of you staying in the relationship was his sobriety, then you need to consider that  you may have been paid with counterfit cash.  Sobriety is so much more than simply not drinking.  The drinking is but a symptom of our spiritual sickness. 4.  Your codependent demon as you call it might make you feel any number of feelings, but it is your logical MIND who must make the decisions.  You need to take some self-loving actions IN SPITE OF how you feel. 5.  If a man locked me out of my bedroom in my own home, I'd assume he'd locked me out of his heart, and I'd pack up and leave. 6.  You can only get crapped on if you buy the ticket and take the ride. 7.  I'm sending you lots of love - tons of love and strength.  I know how it is to get so wrapped up in the tangled emotions these things produce.  Look into your heart.  Do the right thing in spite of the fear.  Take care of Jamie, because you are WORTH IT! love and light, Michelle

thank you so very much, michelle. a truly appreciate your love and your candor. i am praying for the strength to do what is right! your compasson and concern mean a great deal to me, you know, it's just hard hearing fromothers what you don't want to hear, but know deep in your heart to be true. thanks again for taking the time to care, and to enumerate all of your valid points. with gratitude, jamie