Boundaries without resentments

I had a run-in with my sister a few nights ago.  It had me so upset, I couldn't see straight for a few days, hence my lack of posting about it till now. Short story long: My son got engaged over a year ago, and I knew I could not shop for my dress for the wedding till the end of July, beginning of August, because o my surgery being at the end of last August.  I had no clue what size I would be. So, I ordered a dress at the end of July, using my Visa Checkcard (REMEMBER:  I do  not have credit cards because of all the shopping therapy I did after my divorce.)  Well, the dress I ordered did not fit, so I had to send it back, and order a larger dress.  Well, dress #2 didn't fit either.  My daughter was here when I had to send it back.  She started flipping because it was now just a couple weeks till the wedding and the mother of the groom did not have a dress.  I was panicking because I had the cost of 2 dresses paid for and was waiting for the refunds, and I was cash poor to buy another dress at that moment.   So, my sister offers me $200 to go dress shopping with my daughter while she was in town.  We went and I got the gorgeous gown you see me wearing in my Avatar.  My sister said she could wait till I got my refunds for repayment.  As soon as I got the first refund, I gave her $100.  Unfortunately, the second refund did not hit my checking account until Sept 12. Last week, my sister asked me to take care of her puppy one evening, and if I could leave the remaining money I owe her on the table while I am there.  I asked her if she preferred cash or a check and she said it did not matter.   Well, goofball that I am, I forgot to leave the money when I was at her house.  So, the next morning, right after my 6 a.m. AA meeting, I called her and offered to bring the cash over right then.  She said that was okay, she was fine, I could do it later.  Well, she went away for a few days, and I worked all weekend.  So, on Sunday evening, I looked at my calendar and saw that I had commitments, either physical therapy or my GED teaching job, every night this week, so I was paying some bills anyway, I wrote a check and put it in the mail to her.  (She only lives about 20 minutes away, but I am just crazy busy with my new GED teaching job this week.) Fast forward to Tuesday this week: At 5:20 p.m., my doorbell rings.  I am just getting ready to go out the door to my GED job (my first night and I am nervous about remembering everything and doing it right and all that) and it is my sister demanding the money I owe her.  I told her I mailed the check out earlier this week.  She was pissed and annoyed that I would do that.  She wanted the cash right then and there.  I told her I didn't have the cash with me.  So, she told me to go to the convenience store nearby and get some cash from the ATM.  Well, I lost my ATM card, so I couldn't do that.  I offered to write another check that she could take right to her bank right then.  She said she didn't feel like going to her bank just then and wanted to get groceries right then and there.  She then started cursing.   I told her that her attitude sucked and she then said that she did not believe that I did not receive the refund till last week.  I got really upset at that, because it meant to me that she was saying I lied.  I offered to show her my checking account on the computer, but she refused that.  I then said, "How dare you come into my living room and accuse me of lying."  She made some comment about me turning into me being the victim.  She also asked what would I have worn to the wedding if I had to wait till last week to get my refund.  I did not answer her and she left. I then called her voicemail at home and told her I was deeply hurt that she accused me of lying, and that she put a schizm in our relationship.  Her reply to my voicemail was to the effect that she did nothing wrong and again, what would I have done for a dress to wear if I had to wait for my refund.   Understand that my sister has 20 years of sobriety, but never attends meetings anymore.  When I came into the program, she was an AA Nazi to me.  She was always telling me that if I did not do the program her sponsor's way, I would drink.   I was so upset that night, I called my therapist for help in calming down.  I was terrified I was going to say, or do something that I would regret, like tell her what I really think of her.  I kept thinking of something in AA literature where it talks about "restraint of tongue or pen."   Well, today she called me and apologized on my voice mail.  I did not reply, and I was hoping to avoid contact with her until I spoke with my therapist tomorrow night.  She called again this evening  and I accidentally answered the phone.  She again apologized,, and I told her that I was in shock at her behavior on Tuesday.  She made an excuse about being under pressure at work.  I told her that I was also under pressure with the new school year, twice as many students's names and personalities to learn, and my new GED job.   My problem is, I really do not know what to do.  It is so hard not to have a resentment about this.  I guess she is in a dry-drunk and is right now one of those "some are sicker than others" we talk about in How It Works.  I just know that my benevolence meter is running out and I am burned out. Sorry this is so long.  I just had to share because I have also been under the weather with my allergies/sinuses, and have not been to my meetings as a result.  I was at a take-out restaurant this evening picking up supper, and this place sells six packs.  I have to confess I was briefly tempted.  Then I remembered my anniversary is Tuesday, so I don't want to blow it. Hugs, Trish

FWIW... Sounds to me like ego got you both on this one. Yours was bruised a little because you needed the help and were frustrated at yourself for that being the case.  That put you in an already sensitive state. Hers because her motivations were not pure - she wanted to be the rescue team and as rescuers often do, became resentful that you did not fall all over the place in recognition/deferrence/gratitude towards her.  I doubt she REALLY thought you lied, but she for whatever reason did not feel like she got the party, trophy, award for offerring her aid. Combine that with the stress you're both under and *kaboom* It will blow over.  Resentments are bad juju for us.  She attempted to make amends.  Perhaps you just need to take some time to circle round and get to where you can forgive the accusation.  I don't have to tell you that sharing about it at a meeting or with your sponsor helps too.  We AA's react differently than others sometimes.  I imagine the dynamic with you both being in recovery can be volitile at times. And a "just for the future" thing.  One of my best friends is about to finish her degree in December.  Over hte past few years, I've made her a few loans and I generally follow a couple of guidelines.   1. I don't offer money I cannot afford to turn into a "gift" 2. I generally just get a check from her at the time of the loan without a date on it, and when she can pay me, she let's me know, and I fill the date in and deposit it. 3. I intentionally put those checks up somewhere out of sight and mind, and consider that money I've just "spent".  Out of sight and out of mind.  She always pays me back, and I don't even fret about it. My friend is in a similar situation to yours with her credit (recent bankruptcy, divorce, etc) and is cash poor.  She *hates* asking for help, and when I offer it, I try to spare her ego as much as possible. Sending you love - get thou behind to a meeting my sister.  *hug* Michelle

Thanks Michelle, I had not looked at it from the viewpoint of her need to be the needed rescuer in my situation. In the past, I have borrowed money by asking for cash and giving her a check dated my next payday. This was different because she volunteered it, and it was based on the idea that I would repay when I got the refunds, which I did, just not fast enough to suit her. I did get my butt to my meeting this morning and I am so glad I did. It was on Step 7, and the topic was humility. Good meeting. I am doing better. I will, however, steer clear of ever borrowing from her in the future. I don't put my hand in the same dog's mouth twice knowing I can get bitten. Hugs, Trish

Good Morning Trish I'm sorry you were so upset with all of this and your sister..  hopefully over time some of those feelings of being mad and hurt will dwindle away.   I'll quote a passage from the book "Courage to Change.." a book for Alanon, but I find it's just as meaningful and helpful to all people and you mention that your sister may be in a dry-drunk. "The most loving form of detachment I have found has been forgiveness.  Instead of thinking of itas an eraser to wipe another's slate clean or a gavel that I pound to pronounce someone "not guilty", I think of forgiveness as a scissors.  I use it to cut the strings of resentment that bind me to a problem or past hurt.  By releasing resentment, I set myself free. When I am consumed with negativity over another person's behavior. I have lost my focus.  I needn't tolerate what I consider unacceptable , but wallowing in negativity will not alter the situation, I will turn it over to my Higher Power.  By truly detaching, I detach and forgive. When my thoughts are full of bitterness, fear, self pity and dreams of revenge, there is little room for love or for the quiet voice of guidance within me.  I am willing to love myself enough to admit that resentments hold me back, and then I can let them go. Today's Reminder, Every time I try to tighten the noose of resentment around someone's neck, I am really choking myself.  Today I will practive forgiveness instead." "A part of me wants to cling to old resentments, but I know that the more I forgive, the better my life works."    ... In All Our Affairs

Thanks Rhonda, My therapist helped me get some perspective on the matter the other night.  He pointed out that we just came through an intense summer with me becoming a grandmother, and then my son's wedding, and I have lost all this weight in the past year.  Sis is extremely obese, and had lost a lot of weight after going to a treatment center for eating disorders, but since my brother's death, she has just basically given up.  So, therapist thinks sis may be resentful of all the positive attention I have received in the recent past, and that my life is falling into place, with a few bumps and bruises.  Sis lives alone, never married, no kids, yada yada. It helped to put it into context. Hugs, Trish

your therapist sounds very smart.. while she loves you and wants the best.. she is also seeing a little green maybe and probably doesn't like that feeling either..  Glad you are feeling better..