My birthday, peanut butter pretzels and other musings

I AM POWERLESS OVER PEOPLE, PLACES AND THINGS.

If I keep reminding myself of that, maybe it will sink in - like positive brainwashing or something.

Today is my 38th birthday.  I am grateful to be healthy and attractive and reasonably happy at this age that is now closer to 40 than to 30.  It's funny though that I seem to have missed out on the wisdon and maturity that should come with my age.  I so feel like an insecure kid sometimes.

Yesterday was a mixed bag of emotional stew.    The day began well enough.  My son had been sweet and almost humanoid in demanor in the morning - we had a fun conversation.  I got to work at a reasonable time in spite of Atlanta traffic.  After being at work about an hour, I fell down the stairs at the office - ok, well i didn't fall ALL the way down.  I'd fallen down those stairs before (an OSHA nightmare - polished wooden stairs with no grips on them) and learned to always use the handrail.  Sooo this time, I only went down about 6... on my SHINS.  It's a total miracle I didn't break both my legs.  They are now bruised and hurt like hell, and my poor right arm feels as though it was yanked from the socket cuz i didn't let go of the handrail. So I decide come lunchtime that I would take my big book and go have some egg drop soup and an egg roll and treat myself to lunch.  There I was taking care of my mind/soul and the cell rings.  It's my son's principal from the school.  The local police had just dropped him off at school after catching him and a buddy reckless driving and stoned.  Unable to finish my lunch, I went back to work, packed up and told my boss I had to go handle this situation at home.  Thank GOD he is aware of my ordeal with Bri and very supportive.  I didn't want my house unattended when my daughter got home, because he'd been using drugs in my home and SHE is the one who told me.  She's only 10. I arrive home to find a homemade water bong and other evidence and a house that smelled like a big ole blunt.  Now keep in mind that my drug of choice before alcohol ever entered the picture was marijuana.  My first "ism-riddled" thought was "damn i could use some of THAT right now".  My second thougth was, "how DARE he knowing how hard I've struggled to stay sober", my third was, "well he's totally given up now and is begging to be locked away".   I was distraught.  Squirrely.  Tense.  And did I mention my shins hurt like hell?  So - I decided I would take a nap.  I sat on my bed and talked to my angels, informing them that I was going to just take a little nap and trust them to infuse some wisdom and calm into me upon waking.  BUT before I slept, I mindlessly reached into a big bin of peanut butter filled pretzels (one of my favorite snacks) and gorged myself.  After about the 20th one, a voice said to me, "uh uh michelle - no good.  you realize you are NOT hungry and just ate 20 pretzels compulsively with only the desire to use them to kill the tension".  Thank GOD for that voice (for I think it was god actually or at least an angel).  I put the pretzels away and cried.  Why can't I cope with the tools I've learned in aa?  Why do I act like an addict all the time.  wah.  woe is me.  blah.  :)  Sooo....  I slept. A couple of hours later there was a knock on my bedroom door.  It was my new sweetie bearing a dozen red roses.  He'd taken a break in his work day to bring them to me even though my birthday was a day away because as he said, "I just felt you really needed them now instead of waiting".  I cried again - with gratitude.  I've never had a man so intuitive about me.  It's touching.  And the roses are beautiful.  And I got a few extra big hugs before he had to get back to work - after telling me I looked like a beautiful goddess sleeping there.  (y'all I just eat this stuff up giggle). So I was a bit better after the nap.  I went to the 5:30 meeting.  The discussion was about (another just for ME thing) our tendency to take on OTHER PEOPLE'S crap and try to fix everything.  I got a lot out of that meeting and felt very comforted when I left. My sweetie called me to tell me he was finishing my birthday gift and while he wanted to see me last night, it was very important to have that gift ready for me today.  He's somewhat of an artist - builds very beautiful and eclectic furniture out of various antiques.  I'm very excited and intrigued to see this!  He was so cute on the phone - all worried about whether or not I was going to like it.  Cute like a little kid making something for mom.  giggle.  It was sweet.  So I said goodnight. My oldest son never came home last night.  He has a 6 pm curfew, but I figured after his trouble yesterday I wouldn't see him by 6.  I did however expect him home.  Nope - he's not here.  I don't have a clue where he is.  He has a Probation appt this afternoon wherein his PO was going to drug test him and cite him for VOP for all his latest offenses.  I'm pretty sure he's going to be missing when that time comes for the appointment.  I guess this is his final F-You.  I'm hoping they just issue a warrant for him and lock him up.  I'm really quite done with the spy versus spy crap. So - my angels listened.  Here I sit at 5:30 am, coffee in hand, and I'm grateful.  The universe has sent me a good man.  I've lived to see another birthday.  I'm sober.  I'm learning to cope with life (slips and slides but learning), and I intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle me :)  The way to handle them is to take them one minute/event at a time and just endure - talking to angels, praying, talking to my sponsor, going to meetings, and remembering that if I don't take care of *ME* all the rest of it goes to ****  It's OK to take care of me, not only OK< but it's an imperative. I'm off today - not for my birthday so much but to handle stuff with my son.  What a b-day present!  I'm grateful that I can take this day off without work getting up my butt. I'm grateful for friends.  I'm grateful for another opportunity to learn something today. But most of all - I'm grateful that I DON"T HAVE TO drink or use to endure the pain and stress of life. The future is almost always friendly. Love and light, Michelle

                    Happy Birthday Michelle                   I feel old these dasy.  I will be 50 in November.  You sound really, really good today.  Your son is out of your control.  Hand him over to God and the legal authorities, and trust God that HE will take care of your son.  He has some hard lessons to learn, and it is obvious that God did not intend for you to teach your son these lessons.  I empathize.   When my son called me from his last rehab, I told him I love him and reminded him that there was nothing he could do to stop my love for him, but more importantly, I would stay in prayer for his recovery and safety.  I always remind him that he keeps me on my knees.  I was encouraged when I visited him in rehab that he was reading the Bible and asked me for my copy of the Recovery Devotional Bible.   Just to put it into context, when he was in prison, I did not bail him out and when someone bailed him out, I gave him 24 hours to move out of my house.  That was a tough, tough day.  I had just under a year of sobriety when that happened.   You are blessed that your sweetie is in your life at this time, to give you the TLC you need when your nerves are raw.  More importantly, you are making your meetings and work your program, in spite of the 20 peanut butter pretzels.  Don't  beat yourself up over them, at least they had protein.  The bagel I had for breakfast didn't.   Love you tons,   Trish

Thanks Trish. I realize that it has now become a situation where he is dangerous and destructive not only to himself but to me and this family.  I have no choice but to let it all run its course. I've forgiven myself for the pretzels - mostly because of the "STOP" voice.  I realized what I was doing in the moment I was doing it.  THAT my dear friend is a huge step for me.  I *am* learning and I *am* recovering and just being aware is something so new and for which I'm so grateful. Today should be filled with activity - mostly to keep my mind occupied, but also cuz there is stuff to be done: nails done tag office turn off son's phone (no use in paying for the phone i got for him to keep in touch if he doesn't answer it or use it to call me) file new unruly/unmanagable charges at PD against him PO appt Shopping for myself an outfit for my hot birthday date tomorrow night  Meeting That should keep me busy. :) love you back! Michelle

Good for you, Michelle, It sounds like you are taking care of yourself.  One of the best things I did for my son was take his car away from him when he was living with his dad.  He had not been working or going to school, nor paying me insurance.  He had been treating me like dirt and I suspected drugs again, but had no proof.  The day after I took the car away, he checked into a rehab.  Here he had been dealing heroin and I cut off his transportation to his supplier and his customers, effectively cutting off his supply of drugs for himself.  I did not know this till he called me days later from the rehab and told me.  So, pressing the charges can work out for your son's good, as hard as that may be for you at this tme.   It is also great that you were able to catch yourself mid food binge.  That's a great area of progress.  I have actually stuck food in my mouth, started chewing it and spit it out into the trash because I realize I do not want it, and that it will make me sick if I eat one more bite.  I thank God I have not been tempted to sugar, but even proteins can be troublesome for me. Have fun shopping for the outfit.  I love shopping these days, just wish I had more money to enjoy it. Love and hugs, Trish

Happy Birthday Michelle.. Thank you for sharing.. like Trish said...you sound wonderful in your post.. like you are happy within.  Even tho.. all this is happening.. you have inner peace.. and that's wonderful.  I know it still must be so difficult, but I'm happy to know that YOU are okay.. and that you will be okay at least for now. I hope your son will learn his path to recovery.. and I commend you for allowing him to suffer the consequences of his actions so that he may find the way..  it takes a strong person to do that! and I can't wait to hear what your sweetie (I guess your new name for boyfriend) lol..  made for you.. whatever it is.. I hope you are able to share in pictures on your profile maybe.  And how wonderful that he was there flowers in hand.. to lift your spirit.  He sounds like he cares very much for you.. and you him.. that's a wonderful gift in itself. .. and as I turned 46 this year.. I realized that I'm fast approaching 50.. and even today I feel like the lost kid who is still trying to figure out what she wants to be when she grows up.. I wonder sometimes if everyone really feels that way.. and I don't know it.. or is it people who suffer from being heavy most their childhood years.. or people who suffer from "isms"   but I know now that I'm not alone..  there are many of us. Have a wonderful Birthday and day off work.. I know you have some "chores" to do.. but enjoy that date tonight with your boyfriend hugsss and love, Rhonda

Happy Birthday, Michelle. You look marvelous and you sound "GREAT"ful.

  

May this be your best year ever.

Karen

happy birthday michelle!



ps-I love peanut butter filled pretzels.