day 51

I haven't been to a meeting in 2 weeks. 5-7 meetings a week to nothing. I pray every day, i read my serenity prayer every morning. I miss my home groups. But, I have no desire to go.

This morning was a rather trying morning, due to a near panic/anxiety attack, when I was at the majistrate court level, and the woman at the counter says..."You're signed in right?" me- Yes...her "You need to go in the court room now, she's starting"..me-I'm waiting for my attorney...her"You better call him then!"

Sheer panic set in, meanwhile he's sitting out in his car, as I'm calling his office outside he come strollin up to the door. me-Dude you scared the **** outta me..him"Liz, it's 8.57, we still have 3 minutes"

To say the least, the DA wasn't there, and my cop wasn't there anyway. My cop does show up, still no DA. I go do my stuff with the judge, nice lady, she says "ok, your done, go out to the main counter and fill out some paper work, thanks for coming and have a good day" My reply...."Thanks Honey"

My lawyer's face turned white as a ghost and as we are walking out he is laughing and says "Liz, Never, ever, call a judge honey...hahahahah....Never! This is something I have to tell everyone I work with because that was classic!"

Sheer panic strikes again....he's like "Liz are you alright", as I thought I was going to vomit, and my hands start shaking to the point it was noticeable. He then proceeds to tell me..."I was kidding, let me find you a pill to calm your nerves"....as he's digging through his pockets, still laughing....then says..."No, but seriously, don't ever call a judge honey again"....I said.."mental note taken."

*blank stares*

Now, I'm semi-enjoying my starbucks, and will take heed to the rest of my day at work.

51 days, with signatures to prove it to take to the county level. Which my court date is Oct, 15th, my attorney's gonna get it postponed till December at some point, so I can start my house arrest after the the new year, and won't miss any holidays with my family.



Thanks for listening, and with that I'll pass.
Liz

  good thing you didn't call her .. sweet tits then, huh.. your alcoholic mind is telling you to not go to a meeting..  do the opposite of what your alcoholic minds tells you to do.. that's what my sweetie Dan tells himself.  His first bout of rehab.. he stopped going to meetings.. it led to a relapse..  do you want to relapse??  if not, go to a meeting today.. but of course.. as in all things, it's your call.. at least until state starts making the decisions.  Remember the first step.... I love YOU Lizzie I went to a meeting last nite.. saw a lady that I have my eye on to be a sponsor.  After the meeting I'm a coward and don't even speak to her.. what the hell.. It's so much easier to type conversations than to actually hold a live conversation.  I need to work on this...  I know they must think I'm a snob.. but I'm just backwards..  I must assert myself to these wonderful people.

Hey Sweetie, Do yourself a favor.  Go back in these blogs and read your posts from when you were attending meetings regularly.  Notice your demeanor and how you were feeling and handling "life on life's terms."  Then reread this post to see how you were feeling.  When you were making meetings, you were doing better emotionally.  It is no coincidence. I say that because when I have major meltdowns, it is usually at the same time that I am not making my meetings regularly.  Just something about meetings helps me clear my head and get myself focused on what is important.   I love you and want you safe.  I have had major panic attacks and been shaking with anxiety, and I have never had to face a judge like you have.  Taking care of myself helps me cope with the stuff life throws at me. Hugs,   Trish

hahaha "thanks honey"..  that sounds like something I'd say - in the south, everybody is honey, sweetie or sugar. :-) I look at my meetings kind of like innoculations.  When I attend regularly, I get a sort of insurance to ward off the evil nasties that creep into my head.  It helps me to refocus on what I'm doing, to remind me that I am an alcoholic and my life is unmanagable (i forget sometimes), and gives me a sense of belonging and being understood.  I need these things as sure as I need food and water. Be good to yourself - go get your medicine girlfriend! Love you, Michelle

I  surely don't have much experience at this, but as with most things that are the right things for us emotionally, our alcoholic minds just balk at.  I might spend the better part of an afternoon talking myself out of going to a meeting, and then somehow I drag my butt there and some old cogger is talking about something I really need to hear and I feel better.  The best thing I find about AA meetings is realizing that everyone else in that room has gone through almost exactly what I have and i am not alone.  I am brand new to this forum, but clearly there are a lot of caring real people who know what we are talking about here.  you are not alone.  Go to your meetings. Carol